Speech by Simon Stephens

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Stephens
Speech Date: Aug 2009
Best Man Speech

Thank you Phil. There really is a puddle under his chair! It's perfectly normal for the groom to be nervous on his wedding day though. But Phil, you might want to spare a thought for Angharad, she's just realised she's now married to you!

That was a brilliant speech though Phil, wasn't it everybody? You see, there was no need to go to the toilet in your trousers. However, having known Phil for many years I know what he's like under pressure so I came prepared for such an accident.…
*Pull a huge pair of white pants out*
Got to keep your wedding vegetables clean and dry. You'll certainly need those by the time I'm through with you!

Before I go on I would like to say what a lovely speech Tecwyn gave, very nice indeed.

Now it's my turn! Hello everybody. For those of you who don't know me already, my name is Simon and for those of you who do… well I can only apologise!

Before I start the customary ridiculing of the groom I would like to thank both Phil and Angharad on behalf of the bridesmaids for the lovely gifts and also for Phil's kind words. Ceri, Hailey and Elin you all look fantastic and you've done a brilliant job today, thank you. Lets hear it for the bridesmaids everybody!
And can we get a big cheer for little Josh the page boy, he's been great and bonkers!
On behalf of everyone here today I would like to thank parents of the bride and groom, Llinos and Tecwyn, Clive and Ann for making this day possible, thank you!
I would also like to thank the ushers, Lewis and Richard for at least turning up sober this morning! Cheers guys!

I'm sure everyone will agree when I say doesn't Angharad look absolutely beautiful today? Stunning!

You'll be pleased to know that Angharad actually came up to me earlier with some strict instructions about my speech. I've been advised to stay away from anything in Phil's past that is considered obscene or shameless so just bare with me a second.…
*Throw all the cards on the floor*
Right that's that then, skip to the end. A toast to the bride and groom! Thank you.
*Walk back to chair*

No you don't get away that easy!

When I sat down to write this speech a couple of months ago I thought it would be relatively easy. However it was in fact quite difficult. The main problem being, how do you humiliate someone who has no dignity?

Well let's start when I first met Phil back in secondary school eleven years ago……
Phil, pretty much the same as he is today, a simple country bumpkin and me, and these are Phil's words, a mummy's boy from the city. Well who's the mummy's boy today Phil? When I say he slept like a baby last night I mean he wet the bed twice and woke up crying for his mummy! I had to feed and dress him this morning but I'm sure Angharad will agree when I say what a messy eater he is and how he has never been very good at dressing himself!
I remember him coming to school one day, scruffy as usual with no shirt or tie. Little did he known it class photo day. He had to borrow a shirt from the smelly lost property bin which is bad enough but the one he choose must have been for a dwarf and because he took so long putting it on he had to sit on the front row in full view of the camera, grubby shirt, seams ripping, buttons popping it was hilarious! If you ever stop by Ysgol Brynhyfryd make sure you have a look for that photo in the foyer, it's worth it for a cheap laugh!

So we were an unlikely duo and early days were spent messing around in science class. Phil copying my work, me giving him the wrong answers, him attacking me with laboratory equipment and so on. All good fun. It's fair to say Phil wasn't the academic type. A classic example I can give you was our French lessons. We were given tests every now and again, the teacher would mark them and give our results back at the end of the lesson. I remember a certain test, I score around 80%, Phil opens his paper revealing a whooping 17%. It was obvious that he hadn't revised for it so I said with GCSE's coming up he might want to do some work for the next one. So the next French test came and the results were handed out. [Smugly] I scored a 90% this time. I know, thank you. Phil said and I quote “I revised for this one Simon and it went really well”. He confidently opened his paper… 13%!
He's the only person I know whose work is impeded by actually putting some effort in!
Never mind Phil it was only French.

Anyway somehow he managed to do pretty well in his GCSE's which saw him into college to study to become a mechanic, and now he works for the prestigious Pentre Motors. Let's just hope he fixes cars better than he can speak French! He has done very well for himself there obtaining one of the highest qualifications you can get in the business, Master Ford Technician. This is thanks to is boss Bari who obviously sees a lot of potential in Phil and sends on these special training courses all the way down in Daventry. However, Bari told me it was actually so they could get rid of him from the garage for a few days to let the real mechanics like Ieuan repair all the cars Phil breaks!
He also asked if you got those 3 MOT's finished before the ceremony this morning? No. You'll have to finish them tomorrow then.

As best man and someone who knows far too much about Phil's chequered past it's traditional for me to regale you in stories of his drunken exploits and misconduct. However my speech must soon come to an end because of my throat. No it's not sore but if I carry on I fear Angharad will throttle it!
I can however say that Phil is a fantastic drunk, which I'm sure you're all about to find out soon after he's had a couple of shandy's! Yes what Phil said earlier is probably true. Most of the crazy things we've gotten up to whilst under the influence have been my ideas, like stealing signs from construction sites and shops, big deal, or hiding from the police in my grandma's shed we didn't do anything wrong we just ran away from some police which in turn gave them a reason to chase us, or the time Phil fed a certain someone's underpants to a goat, I won't go there, or maybe even the time Phil lost his shoes whilst taking an incredibly long short cut through an old peoples home, again we won't go there, not while I'm sober or sitting so close to Phil! But can I say this, it's always been Phil who has put such insane behaviour into action, I merely followed him! I still do today, I don't think we'll ever grow up. Sorry Angharad!

I want to finish off by saying how much of a fantastic couple Phil and Angharad make. Phil, you have married a beautiful, charming and exceptional woman.
Angharad, you've married.… Phil!
On a serious note, Phil is a truly great man. He'll go out of his way to help you and if ever you've got a problem or a clutch in need of replacing he's always there for you. He's my best mate and it has been a great honour to be your best man today.

Phil, I've just got a couple of tips to help you live a long and happy marriage.

Firstly, always remember to always tell Angharad those 3 very important little words. ‘You're right dear’.

Secondly, the best way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it just once.

And finally to you both. In marriage, each partner is to be an encourager rather than a critic, a forgiver rather than a collector of hurts, an enabler rather than a reformer.

Thank you very much ladies and gentleman. Would everyone like to join me and be upstanding as I toast the newly wedded couple, Mr and Mrs Philip and Angharad Edwards!!!!