Speech by Simon Turnbull

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Turnbull
Speech Date: 02/04/2013 12:41:56

Good afternoon everyone, I'm Simon, the best man… although I'm not totally sure I like the sound of that, as it kind of implies that Alan's got lots of men… and I'm just his favourite.

Before I start with the traditional, and by ‘traditional’, what I really mean is I've got absolutely no choice… the traditional besmirching of Alan's good character, undoing all of the hard work he's put in over the years, not only with Kate, but with her family as well, I want to take a moment to thank you all for coming.

I know some of you have travelled a long way to be here with Alan and Kate on their special day, and it means the world to them to have so many people they care about present as possible. It's been an amazing day so far, the settings and the ceremony have all been incredible… and of course a special mention must go to the beautiful bridesmaids.

I'm sure you'll all agree that they look absolutely stunning and have done Kate proud.

The most popular piece of advice I was given more than any other for this speech was “don't forget to say how beautiful the bride looks”. While helpful, it was never going to be needed. Kate looks truly fantastic today and I think we should all raise a glass to the beautiful bride *glass up*

I have to say Alan has scrubbed up well…I remember when the only thing he used to clean regularly was his internet history.

Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, a great, great man… (Long pause)…but that's enough about me though, I'm here to give a speech about Alan, this pathetic excuse for a man!

Now, I'm not very good at writing speeches, so working in I.T. I thought I'd have a look on the internet. Eventually, after many hours, I managed to find loads of old speeches that other people had written – unbelievably though, not ONE of them was about a couple named Alan and Kate, so in the end it's  down to me!

The next most common piece of advice I got was to keep this short and simple, which is quite apt as they're mine and Alan's nicknames at work.

However, Alan has actually given me a list of things NOT to mention today… Don't worry though, I've got right here.

Let's see… Lloret de Mar 2003 – enough is enough

Magaluf 2004 – lastminute.com – Can't get no satisfaction…

Tenerife 2005 – foam party and feet

Kos – 2008 – random blokes, black eyes, bloodied hands and knees…

2003 – 2009 Baja Beach Club and the Lounge… In fact, there's too much to mention *reel of paper*

I remember the first time I met Alan over 10 years ago and thought he was an obnoxious, arrogant and typically tight Yorkshire man. But, over the years he's shown that in all honesty.… I'm an excellent judge of character!

Alan had his stag do 2 weeks ago, and despite promising not to shave his eyebrows we still took a razor just in case. Luckily for him though, he slept in Paul's bed on the last night and we mistakenly shaved his off instead!!  Apologies to Julie!

Tenerife in March was a bit quiet, so on the last night we ended up in a nice little Irish bar and played some darts. Alan was so bad, he lost by 180!!

He also shared his dreams of going to Asia one day. When asked where in particular he'd like to go, he replied….PERU!!!

So Kate, I hope you booked the honeymoon or god knows where you'll actually end up!

Alan will always be remembered at work for his keen sense of direction – No one can forget the time he got so drunk at the managers conference at the Gateshead Hilton, he decided to walk home. Not realising he needed to cross the Tyne to get there, he ended up at the Marriott Hotel next to the Metro Centre, where his inner Yorkshire man asked the receptionist how much a room would be, compared to the price of a taxi home!!

He's always fancied himself as an ideas man, but it's a good job Kate's not marrying him on the basis of him making any money. His finest invention is the well renowned brand of ‘Trainer Shoes’. These are for your casual Saturday afternoon drinking sessions watching the football, but on occasion, when these sessions continue into the night, and shoes are required to gain entry into a gentlemen's establishment, you simply take them off, turn them inside out, and you're now wearing a nice pair of Italian leather shoes!! Absolute Genius!!

He also had another idea, a freezable wrist band to wear in the summer to keep you cool, and he almost parted with 500 quid to get a patent on this one!!

Now, as is tradition with these things, I need to offer Alan some words of advice:

There are only two things you need to know about women.… But unfortunately for you I don't know either of them!

However, they do say that a successful marriage can be compared to football. Ensure you're fully committed every week. Try your best to score every Saturday. Make sure that you change ends at half time. Don't put your tackle in too hard as you might get injured. And no tackling from behind!!

I'd like to ask the bride and groom to participate now. Don't worry it's not the old upper hand joke, I used that one at Paul and Julie's wedding!

Can you please stand up and face each other, hold hands, and gaze into each other's eyes.

Now, I just want to make you aware that statistically speaking, you're looking into the eyes of the person most likely to murder you!

But hopefully that'll never happen.

If I can be serious for a moment, and I promise it'll only be a moment, I can honestly say that Alan has been one of my best friends for many years now. At least much better than the other lads anyway!

Hopefully he'll continue to be after this, and it's been an honour to be his Best Man today.

Now, I've never been a presumptuous person, but before my standing ovation, I'd like to say that it's clear to me, and I'm sure to everyone that sees Alan and Kate together, that they're so happy and will be even happier as husband and wife.

They have my best wishes for the future and their life together.

And it's on that note, that I'd like you all to stand, and raise a toast to the bride & groom, Alan and Kate, the new Mr and Mrs Hutchinson!!