Speech by Simon Turnbull

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Turnbull
Speech Date: 11/03/2014 12:30:00

Good afternoon everyone, I'm Simon the best man for today.

There comes a moment in every man's life when he meets that special someone.

Someone who really understands him, will take him for who he really is, and will laugh at all his terrible jokes. Now that moment came for Paul many years ago..… When he met me!

But before I start with the customary duty of giving Paul an uncomfortable few minutes, its part of the official duty of the best man to thank Paul on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words, and for having them play a part in this really special day. I have to say they all look wonderful and have done an excellent job.

Indeed the bridesmaids are only eclipsed by Lindsey herself, who, I'm sure you'll all agree looks absolutely stunning.

I'd also like to say how good Paul looks, but I'm not one to lie so I won't.

I know Paul's obviously told a few people he isn't worried about what I might say today, but then again, Pinocchio also claimed he was a real boy.

Now, in all honesty I'm actually a little nervous and apprehensive about doing this. 

If there's anybody else here who is feeling worried, nervous or apprehensive [PAUSE] it's probably because you've just married Paul!

When Paul asked me to be his best man, down on bended knee, it was like being asked to make love to the Queen… a great honour… but you dread the moment you have to rise to perform!

However, I was pleased Paul finally admitted that I'm the best man after so many years, but it didn't take long for that feeling of well being to dissolve into utter fear, as I remembered the last time I had to stand up in front of a room full of people.

I was found guilty and fined £200!!

Now, working in IT I looked on the internet for some ideas…….with unlimited resources at my fingertips I began GOOGLING away……..after a couple of hours I found some good stuff, and a few hours later I found some REALLY good stuff…………..but then I remembered that I was supposed to be looking for BEST MAN TIPS….and had to delete the history off the computer before Natascha came home!!!

The internet recommended I ask friends and family about Paul, and many described him as a first class banker… but with him being a policeman, I think I've obviously misunderstood??

Some other words you could use to describe Paul though are charming, intelligent, generous, entertaining… But nobody said those, so I'm not going to either!

Now Lindsey did give me a list of Do's and Don'ts that she'd like me to stick to……

 1 – DON'T mention any ex-girlfriends – Not a problem, Trisha here is way beyond a puncture repair kit!

 2 – DON'T swear [THROW AWAY ONE CARD]

 3 – DON'T tell any rude jokes [THROW AWAY ONE CARD]

 4 – DON'T tell any lies [THROW AWAY ONE CARD]

 5 – DON'T let Paul sing

6 – DON'T mention Paul's “little problem”

7 – DON'T let Paul drink large glasses of Vodka Red Bull

8 – DON'T let Paul drink Baileys

9 – DON'T let Paul drink

Finally, number 10 – DO tell positive stories about Paul [THROW AWAY THREE CARDS]

 Now I've heard a few people today liken Paul and Lindsey's relationship to a Disney romance. Personally, I haven't seen Beauty and the Beast, but I hear it's pretty good.

As many of you know, Paul is a man of vision.… Sometimes blurred; sometimes double.

Most of the stories involving Paul are the result of him drinking too much. I'm sure Paul, sitting over there, will never forget the night in Leeds where he was awoken by the sound of running water. Realising he was safely tucked up in bed, he peered over the duvet to see Paul here, watering the TV and table in the Jury's Inn as he couldn't be bothered to walk 5 feet to the toilet!!

Then, of course there was the second incident, or should I say number 2, but as we've just eaten I best not mention any more!

Paul loves his football, as do I. It's one of the things that got us talking when we worked together and led to us being such good mates.

He does, however, have a tendency to become somewhat obsessed by his idols. In the early 90s, fortunately for Lindsey, he grew out of his Justin Fashanu phase, and in the mid-90s he could often be seen him with his collar up, a la Eric Cantona.

After that, it was, and still is, David Beckham… or at least that's his excuse for always wearing a sarong on holiday!

Now Paul has led many of you to believe over the years that he is a big Leeds United fan. However, I have found out this week that is not true. On this big, special day where days, weeks, and even months of thought goes into the fine details of the day Paul has chosen to wear his favourite Paul Smith cufflinks. Now these aren't just any cufflinks, there are red, white and black.. Indeed a Manchester United special edition cufflink!

Now, I want all the guests to stand up and play a quick game…

If all the ladies can put your arms above your head, about 6 inches apart and keep them there.

Now if all the men can also put your arms above your heads but with your hands together…

Perfect, now everyone keep them like that…

*take photos*

Now that I've got photographic evidence of a standing ovation you can sit back down now…

Apparently, I need to offer some advice to Paul and Lindsey, so I've compiled a marriage survival kit for you both:

A rubber band – to help you remember to be flexible in all things

Chilli power – to keep things spicy

Crayons – to colour your days bright and sunny

A match ( MATCH Football Annual)– because you're a perfect match

Eraser (DVD) – to remind you that everyone makes mistakes

Dove (Bar of Soap)– for your promise to love, cherish and honour each other

Lube (MUC OFF Bike Lube)– in case you're ever in a jam

Duct tape – to tape Paul's mouth shut before he gets in trouble

Air freshener – once the honeymoons over, Paul will be farting in bed

And finally, some headache tablets for Lindsey and a packet of tissues for Paul…

Unlike most Best Man speeches, this was always going to be short, awkward and ultimately disappointing, which let's face it – is something Lindsey is going to have to get used to being married to Paul.

Now I just want to end my speech like the Jerry Springer show, but hopefully without the fights, with a final thought.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and spade!

In all seriousness though, marriage isn't about finding someone you can live with, but finding someone you can't live without. 

So it gives me great pleasure, to invite you all to raise your glasses; in a toast to the bride and groom.

We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

To Paul and Lindsey!