Speech by Simon Venn

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Venn
Speech Date: Sep2006
1.HANDOVER

Thank you **** for that Heartfelt and truly touching speech………Beautiful………I actually knew ****’s speech would be a difficult one to follow…….And I was right………I couldn't actually follow any of it.…

But to be fair at this moment I'm actually reminded of that sacred and important wedding vow – ‘For Better or for Worse’ – in that I know my speech won't be much better, but I hope it's not worse……………….so here goes..…

2.INTRO

LOUD FORNICATION….Sorry …FOR ….AN ….OCCASION…such as this, I would like to thank you all for coming to celebrate the marriage of **** and **** here today………..especially those who have travelled long distances and in particular the delightful rabble from ****’s hometown in Camberley……
For those of you who don't know me, my name is **** and just so you know, **** has assured me that if I do a good job today I can be Best Man at all his future weddings…….cheers ****!

3.NERVOUS JOKE
Infact I'm actually quite nervous right now, although not as nervous as **** was this morning…………here you are mate

Produce brick and hand to ****

You left this in the toilet…………

To audience
JUST REMEMBER THE MORE YOU LAUGH THE SOONER ITS OVER.

4.EMOTIONAL DAY

Stupidly, **** gave me, along with ****, the great honour of being best man on this very special day, and what a beautiful day it has been, its enough to make you weep with joy….so emotional infact, that look, even the cakes in tiers………….C'mon?!?!

At this point I would also like to say a big &quotThank you&quot to the bridesmaids because they have done a marvellous job in helping **** today and they all look fantastic!!!!

5.ROLE OF BEST MAN

Indeed they are only eclipsed by **** herself……… Steady.… who, I'm sure you'll agree looks absolutely gorgeous today.

Now as I mentioned, it is a great honour to be Best Man, but with the role comes the job of writing this speech………quite hard work as I'm sure you'll agree……

.. And on top of that I have promised **** that unlike other best man speeches which are full of … sexual innuendos..… If there is anything slightly Risqu&#233.… I'll whip it out immediately….…
Boom, boom

6.FINDING THE RIGHT SPEECH

Now like **** I really wanted to write a good speech………..that really was a great speech ****…??? Look puzzled…..and then realised, quite quickly, that like **** I don't have the mental ability to write a good speech so I looked to the World Wide Web for inspiration……..…

I did actually find LOADS of ready-prepared speeches on the internet.… but sadly, NONE of them were about a couple called **** and **** who lived in Falmouth….and more importantly it would appear that **** has cut and pasted all the best lines into his speech, so I'll just have to wing it.…

7.HOW I MET ****
I first met **** 12 years ago when we were behind bars together…….sorry when we…worked…behind…THE…bar together at the Carpenters Arms Pub in Camberley……
Now back then **** was actually better known as REX and for those of who may wonder why, its actually not because he smells like an old dog, its actually because he used to be so skinny that his nickname was either Annie or Rex and so he picked Rex……………
I know what your all thinking but honestly back then he was so skinny that he had to stand in the same place twice just to cast a shadow….and just look at him now, its amazing what 12 years of good living can do to a man.…

8.****S WEIGHT PROBLEM
To be fair though he has tried to watch his weight….mind you, he can't really miss, its right there in front of him……….and lets not forget ****’s idea of a balanced diet is a Whopper in each hand……….no, no, I'm being unfair…these days **** is a light eater……basically as soon as its light, **** starts eating……..…
Okay, okay…sorry mate!
Now I'm not about to give you **** life story because I said I'd keep the speech short…….However……I did hear from some of ***’s family that he wasn't a very pretty baby..awwww….infact he was such an ugly baby that his mum didn't get morning sickness until after he was born…….true story..

9.SPORTING ACHEIVEMENTS / EX GIRLFRIENDS
There's really not much to say about ****’s sporting achievements, although if Eating and Drinking were sporting events, **** would be a gold medallist………..He's also quite a talented impressionist……He eats like a pig and drinks like a fish…..…
I've also promised not to bang on about his ex girlfriends ….but it is true that he very nearly had a telepathic Girlfriend once….its just unfortunate that she finished with him before they actually met…….I know, I know..

10.THE FIRST TIME I MET ****
Anyway no more bad jokes………..and on to the Lovely ****, a truly wonderful lady and the most patient and understanding women I've ever met.
The first time I met **** was about 7 years ago here in Falmouth and I brought her a drink…a Guinness and Tia Maria….which is an interesting drink and quite ironic given that.… like the Guinness **** is STOUT, HEAVY BODIED with A BIG HEAD….… and ****, like the Tia Maria is SHORT, SWEET and delicious – but will give you a blinding headache if you have too much of her………….…

11.WORDS OF ADVICE
Okay…so finally onto the last part of my speech and this is the most important part **** – my advice to you…..…

1.Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss – then do everything she says

2.Secondly, remember the 5 rings The engagement ring….… The wedding ring…………The suffering…………The torturing……..and finally…..… The enduring.

12.LAST WORDS OF ADVICE

3.and finally.., Married Life Can Be Compared To Football …

So….… Be Fully Committed Every Week And Make Sure You Score Every Saturday………Make sure you change ends at half time……… and don't put your tackle in too hard or you might injure yourself.

……..However, **** assures me That Playing Away From Home, Could Result in a Serious Groin Injury…… And Is Definitely The Quickest Way Onto The Transfer List.

I thought it best not to mention anything about diving in the box…

13.FINISH AND ONTO TELEGRAMS

So there you go that's my speech over – nearly time for the food – brace yourself ****…….just a couple of Telegrams to read out…..…

Go through Telegrams

14. TOAST

Right well that's all the Best man duties completed well done ****…shake hands…….…

Now please all be upstanding and raise your glasses to Mr and Mrs ****….…

The BRIDE AND GROOM!