Speech by Simon Walker

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Walker
Speech Date: Sep 2001
Ladies and Gentlemen, first of all, I would like to thank Jeff on behalf of the bridesmaids for his speech, which I'm sure everyone will agree with and secondly, I'd like to thank my mum Janet, and Joyce for helping me carry out my duties as best man today.
Thanks also to Shirley, Stephanie, Pete, Paul, Barb & Roy and every one else that has travelled down from all over the country to be here today – the day wouldn't have been the same without them.

Marie has asked me to thank the staff here at the Kingscliff on her behalf, so it gives me great pleasure to do that.

Well, congratulations to Jeff & Marie and no doubt you will expect me to have a bit of fun at Jeff's expense, the only trouble is, Jeff's expenses have been so high today, that I'll have to pass the hat round later.

I'm sure most of you in here today are aware of Jeff's struggle to find his wallet whenever there's a round to be bought at the bar – so I don't need to mention that again.

Seriously though, one of the best mans duties is to sing the bride grooms praises and tell everyone about his good points. The only problem is, one I can't sing, and two, Jeff hasn't got any good points – I'll bet not many of you know that when he was born he was very nearly called Thursday. Joyce took one look at him and said, “right, let's call it a day”.

Well I've asked people left right and centre for an amusing story about Jeff, something stupid that he's done at some stage in his life, but unfortunately nobody could come up with anything – not even his work mates that I met last Saturday in the Moon and Starfish. However, they did inform me of his nickname at work, which apparently is “God” – mainly because he's rarely seen; has a holier than thou attitude and if he does actually do some work it's a minor miracle. There wasn't even anything funny about the woman that he got chatting to last Saturday night either – with a face like hers she should have been sniffing luggage at Heathrow, not on display in a pub.
So it looks like Jeff has got away with any dark secrets being brought back to the surface – after all, I'm not going to go on about his rubber fetish am I – because this isn't the time or the place.

However, this is an ideal opportunity to warn Jeff of scientists’ latest discovery, which reduces a woman's sex drive by 90%.
Its called wedding cake.

No, but joking aside, I would like to wish Jeff & Marie every happiness for the future and thanks to their marriage today, we have been privileged to come here and enjoy the celebrations with them.

I would now like to offer warm and sincere thanks once more to all who have helped to make this such a successful and happy occasion.

It just remains for me to point out that married women are always heavier than single women.
This is because single women come home, look at what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

Thank you all very much – to Jeff and Marie!

Right, before you all disappear and go to the bar, I would just like to read out a few cards and telegrams that have been received.