Speech by Simon Watts

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Watts
Speech Date: Jul 1999
Ladies & Gents

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Simon What are you drinking, so if you see me later don't hesitate to call me by my name.

Firstly on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Steven for his kind words, I'm sure you will all agree with me that they both look wonderful.

I have heard that being "Best Man" is a great honour, much like making love to the Queen. But just the same nobody really wants to do it.

Steve apparently exhausted all possibilities before asking me, but I didn't take it personally, it would appear I am virtually his only friend who can string together 2 sentences.

I was quite surprised to find that there is actually a "Best Man's Checklist";
1. Bring chequebook for payments the groom may have forgotten. Fortunately I haven't needed it as my chequebook is issued by DUNLOP
2. Assist the Groom in dressing. Sorry but there's no way I was doing up his flies!
3. Ensure the groom;
Uses Toilet (again, no, I refuse)
Ties Shoelaces
Face and Hair are in order. (Apparently the Nuffield refused the order so you'll have to excuse the failure)
Nothing between his teeth (or in Steve's case "ears")
Trouser flies are done up; again please refer to earlier
Arrives on time and Sober

The great man himself hails from 1969, a year of many other splendid things; The first ever walk by man on the moon, the first flight of Concorde and the Boeing 747 and the withdrawal of US troops from Vietnam. I asked his mum for some embarrassing photo's from his younger years to which I was exuberantly offered a "marvellous naked shot on a changing mat". It was my plan to contact a very reputable firm to blow it up to a suitable size but apparently they didn't have the equipment to enlarge it sufficiently to show anything of consequence. Mind you what Steve was doing on a changing mat, aged 21, I've no idea!

I've done my best to "dig up the dirt" on Steve but it would appear that he has never done anything to cause embarrassment. Even Tracy was of little use in dishing the dirt…..must be in love with her man! It is a rare condition but apparently curable by marriage. The only notable laughs are realised from a strange problem Steve has with doors. Not content with rolling in drunk one night and falling down a cellar hatch left open behind the front door and breaking his arm…………..he rolled in drunk one night and fell through the front door…..breaking his arm!

Although I've only known Steve for about 5 years, during that time he has been a great friend. Ive seen him go through Highs and some lows although his ex's aren't here and so sadly have denied us some quality entertainment as a result. He has rarely been without somebody to buy him a new hifi in all that time but he appears to have finally met his match in Tracy. I never saw him show signs of wanting to settle down until Tracy moved in but I am glad to say he is approaching his future life without hesitation. He has already mastered the popular married male phrase "Yes You're right Dear".
I did once know him to be single for some time. Desperately he put an ad in the local paper saying "Wife Wanted" Unfortunately he only got replies from men saying "You can have mine!"

There was a time when Steve used to play football regularly, mind you according to the lads he was useless in all the positions he tried so lets hope Tracy has better luck!

Fortunately Steve, being the amenable person he is, gets on well with his new Parent's- in- law. Mind you although he has known them for nearly 2 years he has yet to speak to Bill……..as he reckons he's too polite to interrupt.

Tracy has also become a good friend since I have known her. She is kind and generous. Apparently Bill had a word with her last night to explain some of the most important features of the ceremony;
1. Aisle. As it is the longest walk you'll ever take
2. Altar. The place where 2 become 1
3. Hymn. A song of joy after the marriage is proclaimed
This may explain why a number of you heard her chanting "Aisle, Alter, Hymn" beneath her breath on her way down.

The vows were quite interesting too. As Steve said "I DO" Tracy said "YOU'D BETTER!"

I'm going to take you forward in time a little now. Steve and Tracy are honeymooning in Egypt, for which I'm sure they are immensely grateful Barrie & Rae.
Imagine if you will, sat on the plane. The stewardess approaches Steve and says "I'm very sorry but we appear to have left your wife at the airport"
"Oh thank god for that, I thought I was going deaf" he replies!

I have heard that in ancient china a man didn't know his wife until he marries her……..I swear it's still true today all over the world

Steve you are indeed a lucky man; You have married Tracy today and she is warm, loving, caring and beautiful. She deserves a good husband.
It's just a shame you married her before she found one!

Marriage is a splendid thing, it takes work and patience, never take it for granted. I
n fact my message to you Steve is that…you need to be committed ………… and I have 2 doctors outside ready to sign the forms

Always remember marriage is not simply a word but a sentence, as you get less for murder.

Seriously; Today you exchanged rings as a sign of your love. But there are more than 2 rings to signify your love;
SuffeRING
EnduRING
And TortuRING Oh the old ones are the best!

On a sincere not I would like to thank Steve for asking me to be his best man..… and thank him for his friendship over the years that I have known him

I would also like to thank Tracy ……..for letting Steve ask me.

We have actually received some messages from people who unfortunately couldn't be with us which I would like to read to you now;

To Steve;
We could have been so good together
Love Kate Bush

To Tracy
We were so good together, shame you settled for him!
Love George Clooney

To Mr and Mrs Scrafton
Congratulations on your marriage.
Sorry I could not attend. Please forward a photograph of the Bride and Groom…..mounted
Best Wishes
Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth 11

Finally, before I make the toasts, I have a few words of wisdom to pass on;

To Tracy

If you love something ……set it free
If it comes back, it was, and always will be, yours
If it never returns it was never yours to begin with
If it returns and just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses the telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place…….then
You either married it or gave birth to it!

Please join me for the toast;
The vows have been read
The cake will be cut
Let's hope that Tracy
Don't grow a big butt ………………………………..Sorry wrong one!

Here's to Love, Laughter
And happily ever after.
As Steve and Tracy start their new life
Lets toast the new husband and wife;

Steve & Tracy

We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.