Speech by Simon Winkler

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Winkler
Speech Date: Oct 2001
When R came to me and asked me say a few nice things about him at the reception, frankly I told him that it was a great honour to be asked, but I felt he'd be better of with someone else/more experiences & better equipped
Then he offered me twenty quid.
I said “I'm not a man who can be bought.”
Then he offered me forty quid.…
Anyway, Good Afternoon. Ladies & Gentlemen its my pleasure to say a few nice things about R today

… Well what can I say..… apart from this is about the 5th time today that I've risen from a warm seat with some paper in my hand – but I won't be going into that right now!!
I understand there is a bet going round on the length of my speech, well you didn't ask me for my bet. What are the odds on 20 minutes? I'd like to put a fiver down.
But seriously You needn't worry I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat. See …If I go on too long, J has threatened to cut it.
For those of you who don't know me, my name is Simon whatareyouavin ?’ Please feel free to meet me at the bar later
Firstly, if I can just pass on a health and safety message from Nuthurst Grange Country House Hotel, if you can refrain, please, from getting on the chairs and tables during my standing ovation, that would be great
I'm sure you'll agree that it's been a wonderful day so far, a cracking blessing, but every silver lining has a cloud, and I'm it.
I would like to thank everyone involved in organising this wonderful day and as for the bride, I'd like to say how stunning you look in that fantastic dress. The groom scrubbed up pretty good too, it's amazing what you can do with a flannel and a bar of soap can these days

Speech
Anyway Lets talk about R for a moment:

You know, when I look back upon our early years of our friendship I can only think, with a little tear in my eye of how Rell used to look after me what a great friend he's been over the years When I had my motor bike crash and broke both my legs – when I woke up R was there…..when I split up from my first girl friend the night that she told me that devastating news R was there, when I lost my Jb R was right there by my side, infact come to think of it…….… R you're a bloody jinx.

I first met R on December the 25th 1991 in D and G's smart Sydney Appartment just above Pizza Pizzaz in the bondi rd – R along with a couple of other lads was cooking Christmas dinner for 12 of us – may I say that was one of the finest Christmas dinners that I have ever tasted – and J don't ever let R do the “I don't know how to cook routine”

It was some time later during that rather long & drunken night that a conversation was struck up between myself R and Tam. We told R that we would be travelling round Auz for 3 months and that we were looking for someone to tag along – it turned out that R was also planning to travel round Auz for 3 months but was looking for someone to tag along with well the rest as they say is history….…

There wasn't a dull moment in the entire 90 days – there are so many stories that I could tell you all – but unfortunately I promised R that I would not tell any embarrassing stories and you really wouldn't want me to do that now would you… you would ? .

There really are 100’s of things that happened but here are just a few that occurred during our 3 months when we 3 became the best of friends.

It didn't start well to be honest – we picked up a white ford falcon station wagon from the Kings Cross car market from 2 dodgy looking Swedes for 900 dollars who assured that the car had only one owner from new and the 12,00 miles on the clock was genuine mileage – it was of course – genuine in the sense that it had been completely round the clock 3 times – we discovered maps for all states for Auz under the passenger seat – anyway the car gear box promptly jammed up as we made our 2nd right out of the car market. R quietly got out of our new but dead car and remarked : “oh what rotten luck heh looks like those chaps have sold us a bit of a rum car” or words similar to that. Luckily R and I being very mechanically minded we were soon able to sort out the problem with the linkages and we were on our way again (believe that if you will !)

WE broke down on our first day – about 100 miles out of Sydney and on our first night about 600 miles into our 10,000 trip

we set up camp in a rented caravan at a sight – Tam and I were enJying a relaxing drink when we heard R yell help and bloody hell and bastard car and get out here now – as always we tried to ignore R’ weird behaviour but the cries and swearing got worse and worse and more to the point louder and louder and filled with more and more expletives until eventually we went out to find torrential rain and the back window of the hatch back jammed open with all our possessions in the world beginning to float along with the inside of the car and R on his back in the mud swearing violently and holding a spanner.

It got better though

We went out most night for a small glass of sherry or two and to sample the local atmosphere – now Tam and I being about 10 years older than R were sorta knackered around midnight time but young R never tried of making new friends and ordering another jug of beer – so manys the night we'd slope of back to camp and leave a rather drunken R chatting to some new found friends. Now R had one simple Rule you don't leave till the bar shuts – and some of these Australian bars have a similar they don't shut the bar till everyone leaves. You can see the problem..

There were so many morning we'd wake up no R we'd have breakfast nervously looking at each other and wait. And wait … by eleven o clock well past the agreed departure time I have to rehearse my speech. “Hello Mr N you don't know me – my name is Simon, but my self and my wife have lost your son “ just as I was strolling off to the phone box in fear of what Mr N might actually DO to someone when he found out that we ‘d lost his son up who would stroll a cheerful hung over R.

Now another thing about R was the mornings – J I'm sure you know this by now but R and getting up and just not words that are synonymous with each other.

Every morning there was a routine. Tam and I would get up(as loudly as possible) clatter about turn on the radio, cook breakfast – and make as much noise as possible – none of which disturbed the sleeping R one iota – eventually we would draw lots on the basis
“Look I did it yesterday – no way I did it 3 times last week its gotta be your turn” eventually one of us would cave in and the dreaded Jb of “waking R” would be undertaken. Slowly we would push of cup of hot black coffee near R so that the smell would drift under his nose and gently shake him violently whilst yelling quietly at the top of our voices R for F***cks sake wake up – slowly he would open his eyes – say alright I'm up – now bugger off and he would slip right back to sleep – and the whole process would begin again.

WE went to the Kakadoo national park in Darwin 1000’s of miles of unspoilt outback – when we arrived– we went on a “jumping crocks” river tour – this consisted of a trip up the river viewing vicious wild crocodiles leaping 20 foot in the air to devour a huge chickens and being told that a croc can hear your heart beat from 5 kms away if just because your ankle is in 1 millimetre of water (most unsettling) later that day whilst I was driving we encountered 2 things

A huge sign with a picture of a crocodile eating a mans head and the words beware crocodiles kill tourists – and
Danger waterhole crossing

And a large ford in the road(river crossing the road)

now both R and myself were not what you'd call country folk – so had no real experience of crossing fords and after much debate(about 5 seconds) it was decided mainly by me I recall that the most efficient route through the fords was right through the middle – Give it plenty of welly R said rev the bastard so it doesn't stall. )– so through the deepest part we went
Right in the middle with the engine revving like a dragster everything suddenly stopped and water began to gently seep in through the doors
What shall we do I yelled
Get and push replied a very calm R
It was then I remembered the crocs, the heartbeat in the ankle and the 5 kms
Tam agreed with R

Well you 2 can get eaten by crocks by I'm staying right here

5 mins later all 3 of us were trying to unsuccessfully push the car whilst looking for things moving in the water. I just couldn't get that picture of the tourists head and the crock out of my mind

We never did get the car out, but a kind passer by eventually winched us out.

There so many other stories that I could tell

Like the time that R was driving the and steering column dropped in his lap and the wheel came of in his hand or the 1000 mile drive with no windscreen and a mouth full of flies – or the time that we drove 3 miles with the hatchback window open and suddenly realised that all our stuff was strewn across the highway – or R’ altercation with the famous Tongan bouncer at Players – where R swore that he'd closed down – interestingly enough it DID close down not long after that

To be honest, with all due respect to Rell's parents, I was like a Mother to him at in Australia
I watched him drink from a bottle
I watched him stagger around naked
I watched him crawl
I've dressed and undressed him
And I've even cleaned up after him

But the most important thing of all it was probably the best 3 months of my life All day everyday was filled with laughter and fun –and R’ company was part of what made that time so special.

But enough of my sentimental ramblings We're here to celebrate the marriage of J and R and I'm sure you'll agree they make an absolutely brilliant couple. I was honoured to be asked to say a few words today and I'd like to thank R for being a great friend for the years I've known him. He's a very lucky man to be marrying someone so beautiful, smart, funny and caring as J who, I'm sure you'll all agree, looks wonderful today. She deserves a good husband, and R you should thank God you got to her before she found one.
Seriously, I don't think I've met such a decent couple, who complement each other so well. I know they are perfect for each other. Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the bridesmaids and everyone here, I would like to propose a toast to the newlyweds, please stand and raise your glasses to the BRIDE and GROOM to J and R