Speech by Simon Wise

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon Wise
Speech Date: sep 2004
Introduction

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you'll all agree it's been a fantastic day so far, but unfortunately for every silver lining there's a cloud, and I'm yours.

For those of you that haven't bought me a drink yet, I'm Simon and I've been sentenced to being Alan's best man today. It's said that, being asked to be best man is one of the greatest honours you can be given, on the other hand it's also one of the most terrible things you can do to a friend, so thank you Alan.

Seeing as though this is my first time being best man, I was a little worried as to how long the speech should last so I asked around and the general consensus was that it should go on for about as long as it takes the groom to perform his manly duties in the bedroom.
So with that ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much, you've been a great crowd !! .…

[sit down briefly]

Thanks

Seriously though and more importantly, I'd like to start off by congratulating the happy couple. I'm sure you'll all agree what a great couple they make.
Marriage asks that couples take each other for better or worse and Alan, you really couldn't have done any better. And Alison, .… I suppose it could be worse!

I'd also like to echo Alans comments and thank everyone again on their behalf for coming and sharing their special day, particularly those that have travelled long distances. I know how hard it is to get day release!
However on behalf of myself, I wish you all stayed at home and made my job a whole lot easier!
I can only guess how nervous the bride and groom felt this morning, but I can assure you that this isn't the first time today I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

At this point it's customary for me to thank the groom on behalf of the bridesmaids (Judith, Alison and Claire), so with that I'd like to thank Alan for his kind words and generous gifts. I'm not sure why they can't thank him themselves but there we go.
I'm told it's quite difficult to pout, look pretty and hold flowers all at the same time, however I'm sure you'll all agree they pulled it off and did a splendid job today – not least of which was getting Alison to the church on time (or almost on time) – no mean feat as I understand she put up quite a struggle.

I've also overheard them arguing all day about which one of them is to have the pleasure of being the first to dance with me. All I can say is ..… look, one of you has to !!

Being Best Man

Anyway, when Alan's first asked me to be best man, I naturally had many questions.

What had I done to be bestowed with such an honour?
Had all his other friends left the country?
Had somebody else refused? Yes, you know who you are ALAN GIPSON
[Look at Gippa]

More importantly, could I myself refuse and still get an invitation to consume loads of alcohol? It was a risk I wasn't going to take.

Unfortunately though, with the role of the best man comes the speech, which is said to be the worst 5 minutes of the grooms’ day. Which is only fair however, as the brides’ worst 5 minutes will come later tonight!

When I first though about what to say, it occurred to me that writing the speech is a bit like marrying into a harem … you know what to do, but where to do you begin?
Naturally, in today's world, the obvious place seemed to be the internet. So, with a multitude of resources at my fingertips I began searching the web.
After a couple of hours I'd found some really good stuff, but then I remembered that I was supposed to be looking for best man tips.
Once I'd turned my attention to the task in hand (so to speak) I found an abundance of information,

As well as the speech, it would seem that there were three main roles that I had to fulfil as a best man.

The first was to get him there on time by making sure he got a good nights sleep before the wedding. Well, I can assure you he slept like a baby – he wet the bed twice and woke up every hour crying for his mammy.
The second was to get him here looking presentable with his face and hair in good order. Unfortunately, God didn't get this right first time round so what chance did I have?
Finally, I was to ensure that no angry ex-girlfriends showed up impromptu to spoil the ceremony. Thankfully this wasn't a problem as the recent outbreak of foot and mouth saw most of them either quarantined or shot and burned a couple of years ago.

Taking my role seriously, I actually did a bit of research and delved into the history books to see what happened on December 7th in some attempt to link today with some past historic event.
Unfortunately, good omens were hard to find. Everything in fact was overshadowed by the fact that today in 1941 saw the infamous bombing of Pearl Harbour. From that day, counterstrikes saw captured young men taken away from their families where they led a life of solitary confinement from which there was no escape.
They were endlessly tortured, humiliated and basically forced to do whatever their masters wanted.
I'm sure Alan, you've got nothing to worry about, and that Alison picking today was a complete coincidence.

On the plus side however, had you lived in Cuba, you share your day with one of their national holidays – The National Day of Mourning
(I'm sure that was also coincidence)

The Groom

Anyway, if I were to follow tradition, wedding etiquette says that I should tell a few stories or embarrassing anecdotes from the grooms past for the benefit of the brides’ father (or the character assassination if you prefer).
But, out of respect for him …… I've decided not to.

My apologies for this, but when I say respect, what I really mean is fear. Some of you may have noticed that I've a broken arm at the minute and Alan's’ threatened to break the other one if I even mention his alcohol addiction, arrests, court appearances, drunken holidays, ex-girlfriends or the stag night. So I won't, it's difficult enough to wipe my bum with my left hand as it is. (No seriously …… try it!)

What I will say is that I've known Alison for around 8 years and have been more or less best mates with Alan for around 17 years now, and as you can imagine I've seen some right dodgy haircuts and some nightmare moustaches.… And Alan's no better either.
Infact, during this time we have seen a lot of changes. Alan, has grown in many areas .. and as you can see, receded in others.
He is caring, considerate, generous; some of his workmates even refer to him as godlike..… rarely seen, holier than thou, and if he ever does any work, it's a bloody miracle.

He is a great friend and totally selfless to others. Alison please look after him because he's special. Atleast I think that's what the school psychiatrist said.

So then, how can I sum up Alan's character .… a successful businessman, a hit with ladies, funny, a talented musician and a great dancer. Alan Brown is in fact none of these, however I am sure he'll be a good husband and it's great to see you making this commitment to each other, I know you'll be happy together.

Advice

Now, this brings me to the point where I'm supposed to leave each of you with some wise words and advice to help you in your marriage. It seems a little odd that I should be doing this seeing as though I've only been married 2 months myself. But anyway, here goes .…

Alison, remember that men are like fine wine, they start off like grapes and it's your job to relentlessly stamp on them in the dark until they turn into something that you would like to have dinner with.

On the other hand Alan, Women are also like fine wine, they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full bodied with age before going all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.

To Alison, you'll know all too well when the honeymoon period is over. Marriage begins when you sink into his arms and ends up with your arms in his sink.
And if you think the way to a mans heart is through his stomach… you're aiming to high.

In searching for one final piece of advice I came across a short poem which may help answer that age old mystery of the difference between men and women, it's called Moods :-

Moods of a Woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house,
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, but most of all; she'll love you like mad.

Moods of a Man
Horny
Hungry

Cards and Messages

Joking aside, before I raise a toast to the bride and groom, and bring this speech to an end, I've got a few cards to read out :-

[Serious cards]

Alan, your sense of fashion and dance routines have been an inspiration to me during my pop career.
All the best, H from Steps

From the lads at football,
We've found Alan to be totally useless in every position. Alison, we hope you have better luck. Congratulations!

And finally, there seems to be a bit of confusion over where Alan and Alison are going on their honeymoon. I thought, perhaps like many of you that they were off to Australia but I'm not so sure now. After speaking to Alan earlier I think they're going to North Wales …….… Or atleast I think that's what he meant when he said he was going to Bangor all week!

Toast

I'd like to finish up by saying what a great honour it's been to be best man today.

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to echo what I said earlier and thank everyone for sharing their special day.

On behalf of myself, I would just like to say that if you have enjoyed this speech half as much as I've enjoyed giving it, then I can only apologise.
I started planning it about a month ago and you must feel that I've been delivering it for equally as long.

So then, Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Alan and Alison, the new Mr and Mrs Brown. We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.
Alan and Alison.