Speech by Simon

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Simon
Speech Date: Jan 2002
On behalf of the bridesmaids thank you James for your kind words.

Hello everybody, for those that don't know me. My name is "Simon
would you like another drink" and I am James’ best man I'll be
around later so please, do not hesitate to come and introduce
yourself.

I've tried to memorize this speech, but forgive me if I resort to my
notes every five seconds. I did ask for an auto-cue, but apparently
the wedding budget doesn't stretch that far. I tried to persuade
them to hold the service in a bank lobby or petrol station forecourt
to save money on the video and photos but they could not be swayed.

When preparing my speech I turned to the Internet to find out what
the duties of the best man are and to get some good jokes for my
speech. I discovered two things: Firstly what the duties of the
best man are and secondly, all the jokes on the Internet are rubbish

So on to the duties:

Organise a stag do for the groom and his friends:

Unfortunately best-men are chosen because of friendship and not on
organisational skills but even though my list making was a little
crap I think I can speak for everyone and say we had a fabulous time
Karting (we let James’ team win), eating, drinking and shouting.

On to the first duty of the big day .. help the groom to dress-
thanks but no if he hasn't learned by now…

Ensure the groom:
A . uses the toilet – umm no thanks
B. His shoes are tied – check
C. His face and hair are in order (God didn't put them in order the
first time round so what hope do I have?) D. Nothing is between his
teeth E. That his trouser flies are done up

Is it just me or does this sound more like a mother than a best man?

The fourth duty that falls to a best man is to make a speech to the
bride and Groom.

It would have been a lot easier if it had been JUST to the Bride &
Groom rather than all of you but I'm here now so I'll press on to
duty number 5 to tell ribald and embarrassing stories about the
groom.

I met James in 1980ish he broke my bike trying to do a BMX trick
on a racer and we became best buddies. It does seem strange now I
come to recall it. As our friendship grew we divided our time
between drinking, punk music and taunting Goths. But there came a
time when higher education called and we had to go our separate
ways.

James attended (in the loosest possible sense of the word) Bradford
university studying engineering. He conducted some excellent
research on tika masala viscosity, chipatti/nan absorbency
co-efficients, and the fluid dynamics of snakebite and black.

After university we joined forces again but having matured we
divided our time between drinking, techno, and taunting anyone who
took themselves too seriously.

We shared a house for a bit and I was amazed at James’ consumption
of junk food His knowledge of the local take away food
establishments is unsurpassed but then James’ idea of a balanced
diet is having slice of belly-busters pizza in each hand.

However since moving in with Shanta things have improved, James’ now
actually knows where the kitchen is and also what the various
mysterious objects contained within actually do.

I have known James for a long time and in this time we have had a
lot of fun and mischief, and there are plenty of stories that I
could tell that fit into this section of the speech. However not
one of them is suitable for the ears of the young, the parents, and
before eating. So I will not be recalling the hilarious incident
involving Mario a pair of oven gloves and a tea cosy, I will plough
headlong past his own brand of sentence based Turrett,s syndrome and
I will definitely be avoiding at all costs James’ startling
revelation at the Sugar Loaf on his Thirtieth Birthday.

Besides anybody that knows James and I will be aware that after a
few drinks we tend to relate these stories so you have probably
heard them already. Everyone else just wait till later on this
evening

But on consultation on the rules a regulations regarding being a
best man I found it is in fact compulsory to include a story about
the groom "blowing chunks"

It was at my 21st birthday, things were in full swing and James
bimbled up to me clutching a murky pint glass which he proudly
proclaimed to contain Smiles, vodka, southern comfort, Jack
Daniel's, toped up with white wine which "actually tastes quite
nice". Well nature took its course and soon James ended up the end
of the garden throwing up copiously. Alex, his cousin, and I looked
after him rubbing his back etc and periodically running back down
the path out of earshot to have a bloody good laugh then we heard
this little frail voice "why do I feel so terrible?" "well" we
replied "the pint glass containing Smiles" this produced a little
groan of pain from James "vodka", groan "southern comfort", groan
"Jack Daniels" groan "toped up with white wine" big groan. When we
had decided that he wasn't going to swallow his tongue or anything
we rejoined the party. Much much later James appeared wobbling a
little uncertainly down the path, we all cheered "JAMES!" he
managed a little wave then his face fell and with an air of
resignation turned heal and returned to his puke point at the top of
the garden.

On a more serious note. James, we have had some excellent times
together and I know that we will continue to do so in the future.
You have been a great friend to me over the years, and it has been a
great honour to be your best man.

I think you'll all agree they make a lovely couple I don't think
Shanta could possibly love James any more than she does already
unless he can pull off thinking about DIY as much as he thinks about
cars and videogames. And James couldn't love Shanta any more than
he does already unless she could somehow get a V8 engine fitted.

On behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank everyone here
for sharing their day, particularly those of you who have travelled
long distances. I started planning this speech six months ago, and
it feels like I have been delivering it equally as long, but now it
gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all
to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to James and Shanta, the
new Mr. and Mrs. Hurford

We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy,
and fruitful life together.

I give you a toast to "The Bride & Groom."