Speech by Stephen Clegg

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stephen Clegg
Speech Date: Jan2007
Now you can probably tell, I've been pretty nervous about giving this speech, especially with so many lawyers in the room, and Geth and Elizabeth both being solicitors. So I've brought along something to help me.

reach down, grab wig and gavel, put on wig

pause

bang gavel Order, Order!

pause
Now, even if the rest of the speech isn't any good, at least you can say to your friends, &quotwell, the wig was funny&quot.

Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids, Caroline and Emma, I'd like to thank Geth for his kind words. They do look absolutely fantastic today. I would also like to congraulate the happy couple. Gentlemen I'm sure you'll agree it's a sad day as another beautiful lady is no longer available. However ladies, I'm sure for you the day has passed with barely a ripple!

I've know Geth since we were about 4 years old when we both went to Abbots Lane infant school, and he has been a fantastic friend to me for the past 24 years. He's always been there whenever I've needed him, be it going out for a pint, giving me a lift to football or giving up all of his money at our poker nights. I'm proud to call him my friend, and it is fantastic to see him and Elizabeth looking so happy on their big day. Geth and Elizabeth always seem to make everyone feel so welcome, especially at their house.

However a word of advice, if they ever invite you for dinner, make sure it's Elizabeth cooking and not one of Geth's BBQ's. Trust me, your stomach will thank you for it!

When I was putting this speech together, I wrote down a list of the most memorable things I could think of about Geth. After crossing out all the really embarrasing ones, the ones his parents don't know, and the ones that might get him disbarred from the law society, I didn't have much left to work with.

However one thing that really sticks in my mind from our childhood was his amazing Star Wars figure collection. I'm not kidding when I say he must have owned every figure ever produced, and he was the envy of all the kids in our village. Now you would think that would mean we really loved going round to play with these. However, that is not exactly true. We were only allowed to play with a small selection. He kept all the best ones in a great big display case, all to himself. The dissappointment of not being able to play with Chewbacca and Luke Skywalker still haunts me today.

For those of you think Geth might have been a bit of nerd, well, you'd be right, but he was loveable one. Now Geth, Elizabeth has been wanting to tell you this for ages, but only felt able to once the ring was safely on your finger. She's put all your Star Wars up on eBay to help towards the cost of the wedding. And on behalf of everyone in the room, we really appreciate it!

pause

I think everyone who knows Geth and Elizabeth will agree that they are fantastic together, and it is clear how much they love each other. In fact I've only seen Geth fall for one other girl in the whole time I've known him. That girl was TV presenter Gail Porter. While Geth was at University, he somehow roped Gail into starring in one of his media projects. God knows how he managed this, but he ended up getting hold of her personal mobile number, to arrange filming and so on. Now rather than being a pro and keeping this number to himself, he used to keep us amused down the pub by calling her number repeatedly, and playing her answerphone message on speaker phone. Obviously we were all impressed by this at first, but after the tenth time, it got a bit worrying. This obsession went on for quite a few weeks. I remember one night we had a party at my house, with eveyone sleeping over. Geth somehow managed to find a poster of Gail from a magazine, and spent the night cuddling up to it, drooling all over it, and murmuring about Gail. Now as you might know, Gail Porter went bald a couple of years ago, and I remember reading in the paper this was due to stress.

Now I'm not saying it was stress from having a stalker….and I'm not saying Geth was a stalker….but I'll let you all make your own conclusions!

address Geth

Geth, I did actually email Gail's agent a few weeks ago. I explained who you are and that you were getting married, to see if she could send her best wishes. However all I got back was an official looking legal document with the words ”restraining order” and ”court summons” all over it. Maybe we can have a look at it later?

pause

At this point I was going to tell a story about Elizabeth. I did have a couple of good ones to choose from, including the time she dressed up as rap star Eminem for a night out in Chester, or the time she drove into a skip parked on her driveway….But I didn't want to embarass her on her big day.

Strangely I've had no problem what so ever with embarassing Geth!

Now it's great to see everyone who went on Geth's stag do again, I'm sure there will be many stories floating around during the evening. I however, will not be telling any today – what went on in Riga, stays in Riga. I really enjoyed the weekend though, all the stress of trying to get 18 lads together in Eastern Europe was well worth it in the end. And for your entertainment after the meal Geth has asked me to tell you that he will be performing some traditional Rigan dance moves wearing nothing but a pink wig and a pair of skimpy hot pants. So get your wallets out, only twenty five lats..…

Right, I can see a few people are starting to look pretty hungry. Don't worry, I'm sure there is plenty to go round, but it's probably best if you get to the wine before me, I'm going to need quite a few glasses after this.

I just want to end by saying how thrilled and proud I've been to be Geth's best man. In spite of all the stress and nerves about this speech, it really has been an honour. Geth and Elizabeth are the first of my close friends to get married, and I really hope they have a long and fantastic marriage.

I'd like to wish the two of you all the best for the future, you mean a great deal to all of us in this room. I've heard people say being married is like a life sentence, with no chance of parole. However, in this case all I'm going to sentence you to is many happy years together.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please stand and join me in a toast………
to Geth and Elizabeth