Speech by Stephen Durham

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stephen Durham
Speech Date: Mar 2009
Ladies, gentlemen, friends and family. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Steve, Ian's older brother. It's great to be stood up here today because, after all these years, Ian has finally admitted that I am, in fact, the best man.
Before I undertake the customary duty of giving Ian an uncomfortable few minutes it's part of the official duty of the best man to thank Ian on behalf of the bridesman, Tom, for his kind words and for having him play a part on this special day.
Traditionally, I would also be required to tell each of the bridesmaids how gorgeous they look, but that they were, quite rightly, outshone by the bride. However, with no disrespect to Tom, by doing this today I really don't think I'd be doing the bride justice…… Eilidh, you really do look stunning!!!
Gentlemen, I'm sure you'll all agree that today is a sad, sad day for single men as another beauty leaves the available list. And ladies, I'm sure you'll agree that today's passing by, actually, without much of a ripple.
When I was asked to be best man, there were lots of things I wanted to say like how honoured and humbled I felt – I've never been asked to do anything quite so responsible before. But then as time went on, I realised I'd have to do a speech and at some point during it I'd have to say something nice about Ian. The problem is I've had very little experience of doing either, so you'll have to bear with me.
Now, in the run-up to today, Ian and Eilidh had a bit of an issue with the seating plan, because they really couldn't decide whom to put where. So as best man, I offered to step in and help work something out. In the end we decided to use the wedding present list, and put those who bought the biggest items nearest the front, and work it back from there. So if you can hear me at the back, thanks to Andrew for the tea spoons.
So, just what can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, determination and work ethic. A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where no one has a bad word to say about him? Anyway, that's enough about me..… I'm here to talk about Ian.
When we were young, Ian was no stranger to Aberdeen Accident and Emergency. In fact, his willingness to follow orders, love of alcohol and, perhaps, a touch of fearlessness all great Navy attributes I'm sure led to him becoming a familiar face with the nurses.
A prime example of Ian's subordination can be traced back to the summer of 1985 to a time when BMX bikes were all the rage and your ability to perform tricks and stunts dictated how many friends you had.
I vividly remember one particular practice ramp. It was 7 bricks high with a thin sheet of plywood as the take-off board. Being younger and considerably smaller than me Ian wasn't capable of performing tricks in public, but begged me to teach him. Finally, I relented.
With great glee Ian cycled away, turned and steadied himself before commencing his run-up. The bike hit the ramp hard and the take-off board snapped. Boy and machine hurtled into the brick tower and the bike stopped suddenly, but Ian did not… momentum propelled him towards the handlebars legs akimbo. Ouch!! I'm sure most gents will have experienced a similar feeling, although I suspect none of you required a trip to hospital and 20 stitches!!

Another of Ian's adult traits is his love of alcohol, something which was also evident at an early age. Unfortunately his tastes weren't quite as refined as they are now, and having downed a whole bottle of perfume it was off to A&ampE once again! Still, his breath smelled beautiful for weeks afterwards!!

Although this may come as something of a surprise to his work colleagues, when Ian was younger he was quite the academic – no, seriously, he was. Upon completing 6 years at the local grammar school he decided to make his parents proud by embarking on an HND in Mechanical Engineering. However, like a lot of 1st year students Ian found it difficult to adjust to the hectic pace of student life and the great responsibility it brings…… sleeping, daytime telly, boozing and womanising. But, whilst being guilty of these indulgencies most freshers do attend the odd lecture and scrape by…………..… this was not the case with Ian.

This fact eventually came to light whilst Ian was on a supposed working holiday in America. My parents received a phone call from one of his lecturers explaining that Ian hadn't been seen at university for several months……… something of a shock especially considering that they drove him there every day!! It turns out that Ian waved them off before jumping on a bus and heading straight home to bed!! Ian never did finish that course.

Now, some of you may well be wondering just how can an unemployed student afford such a luxurious lifestyle? Well, I can tell you that Ian was the fortunate holder of a ‘magic VISA card’ – a card that you could use as frequently as you liked without ever receiving a bill. Hold that thought.

A further two years drifted by whilst Ian's day to day routine remained the same, save for the fact he no longer had to keep up the pretence of going to university. However, in November 2000 Ian made the bold announcement that he had joined the Navy, and was due to start basic training three months later.

Once the family got over the initial shock our concerns immediately changed to whether or not Ian would be suitable for a life on the ocean. You see, Ian was not renowned for his ability to travel.

On one occasion myself, Ian and Dad accompanied our Granda on his boat. It was a short journey which took us down the Clyde from Greenock to Troon. I distinctly remember the weather…… it was a beautiful sunny day with hardly a ripple on the water…… perfect sailing weather. However, I think Ian recollects things a little differently – he spent the entire trip below deck with a green face – either lodged in a bunk or hovering above the toilet.
Now, I'm well aware that many people get sea-sick, but how about this: every year we would drive to Glasgow airport for our annual holiday, and each year the average journey time got progressively longer. One year we had to stop in Stonehaven – a mere 15 miles from Aberdeen where Ian refused to leave the public toilet, but the next year he surpassed himself by putting pay to the journey before we even reached the city limits of Aberdeen. Safe to say there was always a plentiful supply of plastic bags and towels in the car!!

Anyway, Ian proved all his doubters wrong by successfully completing his training and passing his exams. He then joined the crew HMS York for his first tour of duty: “The War Against Terror” or TWAT for short. He even received a medal.
Now, many families would be saddened at the thought of their son being away at sea for 6 months, not knowing where they were or whether they were in any sort of hardship. Of course, our family was no different, but fortunately, we did discover a way of at least keeping track of Ian's whereabouts..…

Do you remember the ‘magic VISA card’ mentioned earlier? Well, this acted rather like a GPS tracking device, via which we successfully monitored HMS York as it sailed from Portsmouth en-route to Gibraltar, Crete, Yemen, Oman, Dubai, Mumbai and all the way back again. However, as my dad will testify, this is not a cost-effective technology – alcohol, shopping trips, adult entertainment and 4* hotels do not come cheap. In hindsight, perhaps a Tom-Tom would have been better!!

As you can see, even at an early age Ian showed signs that he was suitable for a life in the Navy: fearless, follower of orders and sender of ‘secret’ messages, but whilst he may now drink more sensibly, and has overcome his sea-sickness he should not rest on his laurels, because with marriage comes great responsibility.

Some of you may know this already, but only last week Ian and Eilidh moved into a trendy new townhouse. No longer will Ian be able to spend his leave strumming his guitar, picking his nose, visiting trendy food stores and generally mulling about, because there will be chores to do. If he falls back into his old ways then perhaps, courtesy of Eilidh, trips to A&ampE may no longer be a thing of the pastl!!

Joking aside, Ian's been a great brother to me. We've had some excellent times together and it's been an honour to be his best man today. When Ian and Eilidh announced they were to marry, I was obviously delighted. I wish them all the happiness in the world.

Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you still capable of standing, would you now do me the honour of rising to your feet….…

….… and raising your glasses to the new Mr and Mrs Durham.