Speech by Stephen Dykes

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stephen Dykes
Speech Date: OCT 2004

Unaccustomed as I am to being the centre of attention, of which I'm sure you're all aware, It gives me great pleasure to say just a few words on this Wayne and Pauline's wedding day.

I must say that I am very nervous about making this speech. In fact this isn't the first time today that I have got off a warm seat whilst clutching pieces of paper in my hand.

As the great Greek Philosopher Socrates once told me, a best man's speech should last no longer than it takes the groom to make love… Thank you very much and enjoy the rest of the day.

Before I go any further, I'd just like to say how stunning the bridesmaids have been today and what an amazing job they've done. I'd also like to say how absolutely gorgeous Pauline has looked today and I'd like to thank Wayne for picking a suit that really looks good on me.

I also have an announcement to make at this stage on behalf of the owners of this spectacular venue. Can you all please refrain from standing on the seats and tables during my standing ovation… Something to do with Health and safety.

When Wayne asked me to be his best man I was initially thrilled and honoured at the prospect. But it didn't take long for this feeling of well being to dissolve into utter apprehension as I remembered the last time I had to stand up in front of a room full of people. I was found guilty and fined £200… So I hope you will be a little bit more forgiving and lenient than the last lot were.

Now for those of you who were at Chris & Sarah's wedding last September where I delivered my first best man's speech, you will already have heard all the jokes that will follow… Only this time, for god's sake laugh! If only out of sympathy.

However, the similarities between Chris's speech and the one I've prepared for Wayne and Pauline end there. For Chris's Speech he basically told me that I couldn't say anything about his past, so I made the whole speech up which was easy. Wayne, and indeed Pauline too, on the other hand gave me an access all areas remit to my speech. Nothing was out of bounds. So I prepared a speech recounting all our wild days. The legendary nights and often days in the Mermaid, the boozy Friday's in the Conway, Who could forget Bredbury Hall, then there's the cattle market they call Friday's… Sigh! Leave me with that one for a moment. And of course that fateful weekend in Blackpool where Wayne and Pauline first met… But as I read the speech back to myself, I quickly realised that whenever Wayne was doing something he'd later regret, I was doing the same and thinking how great it was. As much as it would give me, and indeed you, tremendous pleasure to hear those halcyon days brought back to life, I must protect my own dignity.

Wayne did however give me one guideline when writing my speech. Well, more of an instruction really. He said keep it short… Realising that the simple use of the word short in a speech predominantly about him was gonna keep me, and hopefully you all, entertained for the rest of the week he quickly added that there's wasn't much damage I could do in 30 seconds. Now I appreciate that 30 seconds to you Wayne usually includes foreplay and a shower but I'm gonna struggle to with that short an amount of time. Indeed, the only way I'll get a laugh in 30 seconds is by taking my clothes off and this is a family show.

Well that's taken me beyond my allotted 30 seconds and Wayne, I was right… No laughs so far. So I'd better get down to the real reason for my few moments, reluctantly being the centre of attention.

As we all know, Wayne and Pauline have finally decided to take the plunge. And doesn't it make you feel warm inside knowing that they've run off and get married like a couple of love struck teenagers? Letting Pauline navigate was probably not the best idea. Gretna Green was right when you reach the M6… And Wayne, once you'd realised Pauline's little faux pa you didn't have to keep driving until you ran out of road.

Now back to that night in Blackpool that I alluded to earlier. Who'd have thought that 5 years ago, when Wayne met a girl in a happening nightclub that we'd end up here? I certainly didn't… Wayne's track record with choosing his own girlfriends up to that point wasn't a legacy of success I can tell you. Indeed most of Wayne's ex's could have competed with Spitting Image on the multiple personality front. There is a little jealousy in all of this. Wayne was the only person I knew who could host a busy wife-swapping party with just his gf. We often used to say back then, to see if a girl was a bunny boiler, wait until the end of the night and if Wayne's pulled her you knew you'd had a lucky escape… But it's good to see that when he met Pauline, that run of bad luck ended.

Well that's enough of me assassinating Wayne's good character… Time to start on the bad one too… I could go on for hours talking to you about how I hated Wayne when I first met him at school. How Chris told me one afternoon that he met this really great guy and had invited him and round, and when I opened the door and saw Wayne, my heart sank. I could chew your ears with how, over the following years Wayne and I struck up the kinda friendship that very few people enjoy. Indeed, another one of the great Greek philosopher Socrates pearls of wisdom states that if when your time is up, you can count 5 truly great friends amongst your mourners, you've had a good life. And I'm proud to know that Wayne is one of those 5. Wayne and I have often commented that you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family… Well Wayne's the family I would choose.

And although tradition has it that the father of the bride speaks of the bride, and Terry, thanx for a truly wonderful speech. I too would like to say a few words about Pauline herself as I have known her as long as Wayne seeing as though I was completely ignored and blown out by her on that night they met. Despite that little hurdle, I have come to know Pauline as not only Wayne's Gf, Fiancée and now wife, but also as a truly great friend and one in a million. And as another break with tradition, I'd like to propose 2 toasts… One with butter and Jam…

Firstly, to true friends. Ones that are there with you through the good times, and there for you when times get a little rough.

And finally, as Wayne and Pauline have decided to be together for better and for worse… So let me finish off by saying that may the best of your past be the worst of your futures together.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please raise your glasses and join me in a toast to the bride and groom, Mr and Mrs Kelly.

Lee's Matron of Honour Speech

For those of you who have not been sober long enough to notice ‘Who's Who’, my name is Lee, and being asked to be matron of Honour today, has not been the only privilege I have been proud to undertake. I've also been Pauline's friend for 14 years, and, to Wayne's despair, we can still have 6-hour phone conversations! Of course, all of this means, I could tell you some stories, but I won't, as I'd like to be her friend for another 14 years!

I can tell you, however, that she has an uncanny knack of making people believe in themselves. Who else could get me on a bookkeeping course! She's also a listener, with an ability to hear what you've said before you've said it! Of course, nobody is perfect, and even Pauline has her faults. Any body who's tried to win an argument with her will know what I mean!

Today however, is a celebration of a very special friendship… One built on love, trust and respect. It's the friendship between Pauline and Wayne. Who would have thought that something so beautiful could come out of Blackpool!

In all seriousness I came across this quote: ‘Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but looking outward in the same direction’. I'm sure you'll agree it could have been written for our bride and groom. I would like to thank you all for helping to make this day so special for Pauline and Wayne. So please now join me in wishing them both a long and contented future together.

Craig's Best Man Speech

As you all probably know, I'm Wayne's brother. This has proven to be a very interesting part of my life. My first memory of Wayne is a sad one. He was being taken away in an ambulance, I was six, and remember thinking ‘I hope they don't find my lolly stick in his throat or I'll be in the pooh!’

Wayne has always been at the forefront of fashion. So it brings me to his first outing as a celebrity. We had recently moved to Stretford from Trafford Park. It was High summer and time for the Pageant. Our sister, Kay, was the Rose Queen. Disappointed that he hadn't got the part, Wayne had to settle for being a ‘Jelly Tot babe’, with me. This earned him the nickname ‘Curly tots’. Whether this was due to his position in the pageant, or just his ‘Starsky’ style curls, I will always ponder!

As life moved on, we moved to Handforth. The early eighties were threatening to kill all forms of style & grace…Until along came Break dancing! Wayne, I have to say, was as keen as mustard, and was soon spinning on his head. Quite prepared to do anything to get rid of that hair!

His athletics abilities however knew no bounds. He excelled in sports such as Karate and Football, where he earned his second nickname of ‘Mighty mouse’. Whether this was down to his low centre of gravity and high manoeuvrability, or, his teammates observations in the shower, I will never know!

After leaving school Wayne joined the co-op.The company will never be the same again! Having made his mark, he soon worked his way up the ladder of success, to management level, and got interested in golf! When Wayne first told me he had met a chick called ‘Speed’, I couldn't help but ask if her name was down to amphetamine abuse, or the time taken to consummate the relationship. Having informed me of the origin of the name, I was pleasantly surprised too, when I met her. I can say, with some authority, that this was indeed Wayne's finest hour to date!

He will probably not know this, and that's a sad indictment, but I have nothing but the greatest admiration for him, and highest level of brotherly love. I only wish I could spend more time with him, In order to show him what he means to me.

Wayne and Pauline have made the most sacred of vows here today, in the presence of their nearest and dearest. I am sure that the future will hold the kind of happiness they both deserve. So ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand, glasses charged and toast….’The Bride and Groom’

Wayne's Groom Speech

I know there have already been several speeches today. Therefore I will try and keep this short and sweet. However, there are just a few things I would like to say, although I haven't really rehearsed this, as I have been more concerned about the Best men's speeches, which I have thoroughly enjoyed!

Firstly, I must say how stunning all the bridesmaids look. They have done a wonderful job, and Speed and I are very proud of you. We love you all. Thank you! However, at this point I must say that all the guys look the ‘Dogs bollocks!’… Well done guys!

Now I couldn't go any further without mentioning someone very special indeed. Someone who has supported us from the moment we announced our engagement. Someone who has backed us all the way. And, in case you didn't know, she also made this fantastic cake, which I'm sure you'll all agree is the best wedding cake ever!! It is of course my Mum! Thank you Mum…We love you!

We also have someone else who's very special to thank. She has supported Speed throughout all the time I have known her, and especially so in the run up to the wedding. She has been Speed's best friend for fourteen years, and my friend for five years…Thank you Lee!

This is now the time to talk about someone very, very special. My wife, Mrs Kelly!
She looks absolutely beautiful today, and has totally blown me away…Hopefully there will be more of that later! Speed means the world to me. Everything good you see in me today, is because of Speed, and I thank her for making me the happiest man in the world!

Lastly, and this is very important, I would like to say something about our friends. I know it's the job of the groom to say ‘thanks for coming’, but both Speed and I realise, we cannot get away with just saying that on a day like today.

We realise how much time and effort, it has taken for all of you to join us here this week. All Speed and I wanted was to share our wedding with are closest family and friends, and for you all to have a great time.

As I look around, I can see our closest family members here together…Mum's, Dad's, Brothers, Sisters, Nephews, Nieces…We thank you all for coming, and love you all dearly.

And as I look around, I can also see all of our friends… Some of our friends have been friends for a long time…Lee and mark, and of course my two best friends Stevie (who's shortly going to be announcing his wedding plans!) and Chris, who have been my best mates for fifteen years… Well Chirs for fifteen years, and Stevie for fourteen years and Nine months… But what a three months we had eh’ Chris!All your families are our family!

And I also see newer friends, such as Mark and Di, and their boys Paulo and Dodge. Oh by the way, a round of applause for Dodge, who managed to stay awake through the whole ceremony. Well done Dodge! And also Jason and Laura, who have also become wonderful friends to us over recent years.

It has been wonderful to see you all get on so well, and mix so freely. It makes Speed and I realise what we always knew. That we are so lucky to have the best friends anyone could wish for! With the help of all of you, this day has become, the happiest day of our lives. Thank you!

I therefore propose a toast…’To Friends, Family and Loved ones’