Speech by Stephen Fryer

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stephen Fryer
Speech Date: Jul 2001

Ladies and Gentlemen:

You will all be grateful that I won't be starting my speech in Welsh. I can't speak to six in French, so there is no point in pushing my luck.

I've tried to memorise this speech, but forgive me if I resort to my notes every five seconds. I did ask for an autocue to be set up in front of me, but apparently the wedding budget, nor my eyesight would stretch that far.

thanks

I'd like to thank everybody on behalf of the bride and groom for sharing there wedding day, particularly those who have travelled long distances. I know that after a night on the beer, getting up Uxbridge road from the camp can be a hard job for some of you, so well done.

Queen Mum

Being asked to be best man is like being asked to sleep with the Queen Mother; it's a great honour, but deep down you don't really want to do it. But even so, I still agreed to be Martyn's best man, and I'm sure you'll agree that my first duty in getting Martyn to the church on time, sober, and getting married was a complete success. I must say that is has been a very emotional wedding……even the cake is in tears.

Debbie

I would like to thank Martyn for his kind words, he said about the maid of honour, Debbie. For those of you who don't know, Debbie has had her hair done by Nikki Clark, her dress is by Versachi, and her foundation is by B&Q. I am only joking, she looks absolutely wonderful this afternoon.

school

Unfortunately, or fortunately, whichever way you look at it, I didn't know Martyn at school, so I have had to rely on his own version of events that took place. Martyn was an extremely gifted student at school, and he excelled in everything that he did, be it sports, academics or the arts. He left school to the great sadness of his head master, and successfully attended university, where I'm reliably informed he obtained a first class honours in nuclear physics.

Martyn

On a serious note for two seconds, Martyn, you have been an excellent mate over the years, and it has been an honour to be your Best Man.
I don't know if Martyn was nervous this morning, but I found one of these in the toilet this morning (produce brick).

Martyn and I have been through a whole lot together, but thankfully, none of them are here tonight. One weekend that neither Martyn, nor myself, will ever forget was a visit to Rochdale for a mates wedding. During the journey up the M6, for reasons that I wont go into now, we decided to cancel one of the rooms we had booked, and for us both to share a double room for the two nights. This plan was going to save us about £60, and after all, it is just two mates sharing a bed to sleep in. Even the thought of it now seems stupid, but at the time, it was a cracking idea. When I checked in at the reception and got the keys for the room, everything was going fine, until the staff asked Martyn if they could help him. His reply was ‘no, it's ok, we're sharing a room’, to which we both continued ‘it's not like that’.

That night was a heavy night in Bojangles nightclub in Rochdale, where Martyn very nearly ended up in a fight with a boxer – but that is another story. When we got back to the hotel, we carried on drinking for a while, before we both fell asleep. Some hours later, I felt a hand appear on my shoulder, which brought me from being unconscious to fully awake within ½ a second. Martyn was asked very politely to remove his hand, which, thankfully he did. Returning to the land of the nod, we were awoken at 6-30, by the sound of the room door being opened. For some unknown reason the cleaner had decided to clean our room, and imagine the shock when she looked up to see 2 men on the bed, with the covers kicked off, wearing nothing but boxer shorts. I don't know who was more embarrassed. She closed the door so fast you could have lit a fag on the hinges.

stag night

Moving on to the stag night. This was held last Saturday in Windsor, as Martyn needed the time to recover. This was the closest that Martyn and I have ever been to punching each other, merely for the thought of Martyn being stripped naked and handcuffed to a lamppost in the middle of Windsor High Street. During the evening Martyn chose to become an artist, and, after a pint or ten of lager, with the odd chaser, he made a very good job of painting the street in front of plenty of onlookers. I'm sure that if anybody would like to buy Martyn a drink later on, he would appreciate a tomato juice and lemonade.

cards

I have been given some cards to read out, so hear are a couple of them

· Martyn, we could have been so good together. – That one is from Jordan.

· Martyn, we could have been so good together. – That one is from Michael Barrymore

· The key for the front door is under the mat. – The Queen Mother – sorry, that one is for me.

· Cara – we have found Martyn useless in every position. Hope you have more luck. From all the lads from the Uxbridge Rugby team.

rugby

On about rugby, Martyn has told me that he thinks that marriage is like his beloved rugby. He's fully committed, intends to score every Saturday, change ends at half time, and plays away from home for half the season. Funny that, ‘cos Cara reckons that he'll definitely have a groin injury if he does.

each other

Martyn, Cara is a lovely person, and she deserves a good husband. Thank God you married her before she found one. Seriously though, Martyn, you are a lucky groom, you have got Cara, who is beautiful, smart, warm, funny, loving, and caring. Cara, you have found………Martyn.

rabbit

Before the toast, I would like to share my picture of Martyn and Cara in the morning after the wedding night. Martyn will call room service and order breakfast. For himself, he'll order 1lb of bacon, 16 sausages, 10 hash browns, mushrooms, fried eggs, baked beans, and 2 gallon of orange juice. For his new wife, he'll order a piece of lettuce and a carrot, (short pause). The room service lady will of course be puzzled, until Martyn explains, that he wants to find out if Cara eats like a rabbit as well.

bar staff

There are two people, who this evening, we have all took into our hearts, who mean a whole lot to us, and without them, this day would not have been the success that it has. Ladies and Gentlemen, please raise your glasses, and join me in a toast, (short pause), the bar staff.

toast

No, of course I am only joking, the two people to my left, Martyn and Cara, a nicer, more suited couple that you could wish to meet. So can you please be upstanding and make one final toast to the future happiness of the bride and groom. To Mr and Mrs Francis.