Speech by Stephen Gilchrist

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stephen Gilchrist
Speech Date: aug 2002
Best Man's Speech for the wedding of Dr. Ted Vallance & Ms. Linnie
Rawlinson. Please note that there was a best woman who spoke before me
and that there were no bridesmades to toast. Best Man: Stephen Gilchrist

The Speech!
Good evening Ladies & Gentleman I ‘d like to thank the groom
for his kind words. For those of you who don't know who I am, My name is
Stephen and I am Ted's best man. I must say how proud I am to be given this
title because there was some stiff competition. My money was on Martin, but
he was too over qualified for the job they made him the vicar (*Note that
Martin was the MC for the ceremony which was your traitional type)Éand what
a fine job you made of it to, er, padre. Well I say that, I wrote this
before I got here so how would I know what he was going to be like.

Ladies and gentleman, I remember when Ted first told me he was gayÉ.(pause
for laughter and/or nervous coughing)Éoverjoyed, ecstatic in fact that
Linnie had agreed to marry him. How romantic to be woken on Christmas
morning, with the dew still on the ground, the laughter of children playing,
beautifully wrapped presents around the tree, chestnuts roasting on an open
fire, the queen (!?!), to have Ted finally pop the question and what a
relief for Linnie knowing that if she said yes, Ted would perhaps not notice
that she'd forgotten to buy him a present. What seemed like a good short
term solution in the beginning has now turned into the beautiful celebration
of two peoples love that you see here before you today.

Well, it's too late now, which is precisely what Linnie will be thinking by
the time I've got through the salcious & frankly disgusting material I have
on Ted. I have promised not to mention Ted's penchant for nudity and
certain other facts like the one about his first girlfriend who now has one
herself. But don't worry I am a man of my word, except for the nudity
part, much of which will be discussed later on.

Ted and I first met whilst we were at Therfield secondary school where Ted
really stood out from crowd.

Maybe it was the fact he was the only 13 year old with peroxide blonde
streaks in his hair. Or maybe because when playing Shylock in The Merchant
of Venice he wore full bikers leathers and included quite a lot of
non-Shakespearean language that, had Ted not been our schools only hope of
academic excellence, would have gone him suspended.

But it wasn't only that, Ted was first in many things. First in English,
first in French, first, of course, in history – first to get so drunk that
they had to be rushed to hospital and have the contents of their stomach
removed. What was it Ted? Half a bottle of JD, a case of Budwiser and then
you decided to go out?

Yes, it could have all gone so horribly wrong for young Edward. The rot
could have set in early. I know that whilst in primary school Ted & his
friend Joe Osbourne were fond of showing their winkies to a group of girls
during break time. This resulted in Ted's parents being summoned to the
headmasters office. He was understandably worried about Ted's exhibitionist
tendencies and that maybe he wasn't taking his academic career seriously
enough. Obviously this meeting had a profound effect on four year old Dr.
Ted because as we all know he went on to do exceptionally well.

According to Roger, Ted's Dad the exhibitionism could have resulted from a
traumatic episode when a two year old Ted decided in the middle of the night
that he'd go to wee in a jam jar found outside his room rather than go all
the way downstairs to the toilet. Unfortunately for little Ted this jar
contained a paint brush that Ted's Dad had been using to strip paint earlier
that day. As I understand the little chap's little chap went all red &
swelled up and it took a considerable amount of time in a soothingly cold
bath to stop Ted's blood curdling screams.

Considering all of this he has turned out well don't you think? To be sat
up here with the adults and of course the lovely Linnie.

Linnie and Ted, as you all know, met whilst at Oxford. I myself studied
elsewhere in the country so I don't really have any dirt on Ted during this
period.

Fortunately Martin didÉ.

É.and so to the nudity.

The story, I have been reliably informed, goes something like this.

According to my source it has long been the tradition of Balliol historians
to grapple naked whilst under the influence. Apparently the Marxist Richard
Cobb and the Tory Maurice Keen had, famously, once been arrested for their
naked political interpretation of the French Revolution.

At a boozy party at Ted & Linnie's flat in Somerville a consensus somehow
emerged that the time had come for some nude wrestling. Ted and some fellow
under graduates, namely Dom, Paul Bennett (another wedding guest), and Joe
Guinan (invited, but absent in Washington, DC), thus duly stripped, and
headed down to the grassy square by Oxford University's family
accommodation. Martin's excuse for not being involved is an apparent deep
drunkeness that couldn't be broken by his friends vigorously shaking him
and then proceeding to strip naked. A more charitable interpretation would
be that he wisely pretended to remain asleep.

History does not record the subject of the dispute to be settled, nor who
won. Linnie and Mary report that the contestants seemed to be reluctant to
grapple bodily with each other for fear of being misinterpreted as an act of
affection. The whole business therefore resembled something more like a
pagan sundance, rather than a scene from the film"women in love".

Now as I come to the end of my speech I would like to take a few minutes to
repair the damage I have just caused and say how fantastic it is to be here,
to witness the union of two people I love very much and looking around the
room it's obvious that I am not alone in this feeling. I would like to
take a moment to read a few telegrams from some of those unable to make it
today:

Genuine telegrams
and this one from The Hot Steel Works Male Strip Club; They say Linnie
please could you settle your bar tab and when can we expect Ted back to
work?

It's only taken 7 and half years but it was worth the wait, here's to
another 7 and a half years and then some. Please charge your glasses, I
give you the bride & groom.