Speech by Stephen Grant

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stephen Grant
Speech Date: Jul 2002
BEST MAN SPEECH

Part 1a – Introduction
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen.

First of all, I'd like to thank everybody for attending this wonderful occasion and I'd like to offer my congratulations to K and B on their wedding day.

For those of you who don't know me, my name's Stephen and I'm the best man for today.

I'm sure you'll agree that everything so far has gone well .…
Unfortunately you can't expect one hundred percent perfection ..… because its my turn now!!

Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised K and B that if there is anything slightly risqué, I'll whip it out immediately …

Part 1b – Fathers Story
Before I start I'd like to tell you a story that Homer, Bud's father, told me at the church, which gives a good insight into the type of person Bud is.

Bare in mind that this occurred when Bud was only 2 years old. H (mother) would read bedtime stories to B and A (brother), however, one day B took it on himself that he wanted to tell A one of these stories himself and duly went in search of a suitable book in the library with A.

He picked the books from the shelves opened them but discovered he couldn't read them (as he was only 2) and tore out the pages.

His father asked why he tore out the pages and he said that if he couldn't read them then they were no use to anybody else. A resolute response from a resolute chap.

I'd like to say that things have changed but he still rips pages out of books!

Part 2 – Bride & Bridesmaids
Before I begin to tell you about B, I'd like to draw your attention to the Maid of Honour, T, and what a wonderful job she has done today. And also to K who made it to the church on time .… of her own free will.

Joking apart though, I'm sure you'll all agree how stunning she looks today. Don't be scared give her a clap.

Part 3 – About B #1
I've known B for over 12 years now. We met at university, after that .. we ended up working in the same town, Leamington Spa and he was even a lodger for a while. So I can safely say that I'm a good judge of his character, which (I suppose) is one of my duties today.

As I go through the speech I'll let you know whether he gets my endorsement.

The one thing that stands out about B, apart from his big nose, is his unique personality, a curious mixture of knowledge and naivety (..rolled into one).

He makes friends very easily, at university I was told to watch out for B before I'd even met him.
And indeed I did meet him and we've been the best of friends ever since.

It also transpired that we'd actually grown up 300 yards apart in the same town, Durham, but only met the day I started my final year at university.

Now I have lots of stories that I could tell you at this point but I won't out of respect for this honourable occasion and the fact that they also implicate me.

However, anyone interested, I'm easily bribed and I'll see you at the bar later.

Part 4 – B #2
B was born in the same year as Ferrari released the Daytona. I tell you this because it might be one of the reasons B has developed a taste for cars.

Its fair to say he likes them and he also likes to borrow them. And like his unique personality he has a unique way of driving them, it's a combination of speed and cornering normally associated with a race track.
I'm sure some of you here today will know what I'm talking about!!

His car maintenance isn't much better either. I once found him cleaning K's car with a scouring pad, leaving circular scratches on what was once a beautiful car.

And I'm sure he wouldn't want me to tell you about the time he was stopped for speeding. Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, speeding. The policeman asked him why he was doing 90MPH and B replied “because my car wouldn't go any faster”

(I actually made the last one up, B has never actually been caught for speeding, he's done it plenty of times but never been caught)

If B's driving scares you then don't worry about it just keep off the side walks.

Part 5 – B and K
Cars aside there's no doubt about his passion for K.

They first met in England whilst working in the same office. K behind her desk fluttering her eyes towards the tall handsome stranger idley standing by the coffee machine. Then B turned up.

Their romance blossomed when B left England to work in the city of love, Paris.

The rest is history, several countries later and 6 months apart whilst K returned to Chicago, their love grew stronger and as a result we are all here today to witness their marriage.

Part 6 – Marriage advice
At this point I'd like to offer some advice about marriage.

I've asked around and this is some of the advice I was told:

1. Live each day as if it were your last … and each night as if it were your first.

2. There are two things that are vitally important for a successful marriage. They are honesty and wisdom.
Honesty – no matter what happens, no matter how adversely it may affect you – always keep your word once you have given it.
Wisdom – never give your word!!!

And finally, and my favourite

Make sure you know the difference between Vasoline and Putty. You'll know when you've got it wrong because …your windows will fall out ..… but that will be the least of your problems.

Part 7 – The finale
Seriously though, back to B.

I feel very lucky to have B as a friend. He's an exceptional person and is finally getting some of the success he thoroughly deserves. Not least of which was meeting K.

Part 8 – Final toast
Ladies and Gentlemen could you please be upstanding ..… it is now my pleasant duty to thank B and N on behalf of all the guests for the hospitality we've enjoyed this evening. Please give them a clap.

Like everybody here I wish K and B all the happiness in the world. As a man who will drink to absolutely anything I'd be very grateful if you would all give me an excuse to raise my glass again by joining me in a toast to the happy couple.

May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old enough to last forever. Ladies and Gentlemen – to K and B.

Part 9 – Telegrams
Before I sit back down I have a messages from a mutual friend who unfortunately couldn't make it today.

From R….…
Now cast your minds back to the fall of 1990 …that's when I first met B … in the dark, dingy corridors of a college campus. Naturally, I immediately called security. Apparently he checked out … but I decided to keep a watchful eye on the shifty looking fellow just in case.

I mean, come on, his story just didn't add up. Someone intelligent enough to be studying an engineering degree laughing so easily at my rather lame jokes and tiresome sardonic wit? Something afoot here I thought.

But, bit by bit, the young fellow became a valued friend, steadily chipping away at my natural suspicions. I would be honoured to be there today.

I consider myself blessed to know you both. Have the very best of times. And rest assured I'll make it to Chicago one of these days, and boy you'll know about it then.

With much love & sincere wishes,
R (from Bondi Beach)