Speech by Stephen Hammond

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stephen Hammond
Speech Date: oct 2004
Introduction

Hello my name's Steve and I'm Gavin's best man, although I'm sure Gavin will have a new name for me by the time I've finished this. When Gavin asked me to be his best man I was initially thrilled at the prospect. Unfortunately it didn't take long for this feeling of well being to dissolve into utter apprehension as I remembered the last time I had to stand up in a room full of people..… I was found guilty and fined £300.

I went to a wedding two weeks ago that was held in a nudist colony. Apparently I was just half an inch away from being the best man there too.

By the way, if anyone is running a book on the length of this speech could I put £5 on it lasting 12 minutes please?

Gavin

Firstly I'd like to congratulate Gavin on his speech. I'm particularly impressed with the fact that you all paid attention and followed his instructions not to laugh. I'm also impressed that Gavin followed my instructions to dress smartly today, although I am a bit disappointed he decided to copy my outfit.

I have known Gavin for over 10 long long years now. When I first met him in college he was loud, aggressive, rude, abusive and swore a lot, but just look at the man he's become now…..nothing has changed. Whilst at college we discovered a local nightclub called Winkers. I would regularly witness Gavin's unique, raw, undiscovered style of dancing in Winkers that left the women speechless. By speechless I mean absolutely none of them would speak to him.

I'd like to mention Gavin's good points. Gavin is intelligent, caring, trusting and good look…look… (look at Gavin) “I'm really sorry Gavin, I can't read your handwriting”

One of Gavin's strongest traits is loyalty, he is an Oxford United fan after all. A team that has done nothing except disappoint him and betray his hopes and dreams for the past 5 years. If that is anything to go by Sarah doesn't have to make any effort for the next 5 years, she can make him miserable, break all her wedding vows and generally walk all over him……and he'll still feel that things will turn around come August.

Gavin used to a good runner as a young man. Unfortunately Steve Craig soon convinced him that getting plastered in the Black Horse in Chorleywood was the way to go instead. It certainly was a shame to see such a promising athletic career go down the pan at the tender age of 12.

Those of you who have experienced being in a car with Gavin will know that it is like going on the Nemesis at Alton Towers…..backwards……after 5 pints of lager….blindfolded . One of Gavin's first cars was a Fiat Regatta and it was truly a danger hazard. I remember being a passenger when Gavin would go round a bend, my head would be out the window on one side and my rear-end would be scraping the road out the other side of the car. Gavin, please don't treat Sarah the same way you treated that car. Treat her like Pete treats his Aston Martin:

Go easy on the throttle,
Steady on the gears,
Treat her gently and she'll last for many years.

Many of you will be aware that Gavin and Sarah have recently purchased their first house together. This house does require a bit of DIY work, and anyone who knows Gavin will know that he is not exactly a DIY king. However, in order to get the house looking good he assures me that since moving in he and Sarah have been banging and screwing at every opportunity.

In the run-up to the wedding Gavin had something on his mind that was bothering him, so he decided to ask the Vicar about it. “Vicar” he said, “what do you think about sex before marriage?” “Well”, said the Vicar, “I'm absolutely fine with it as long as you still get here on time”.

Gavin is a generous man, and demonstrated this to all his friends during the stag weekend. I'm not talking about the champagne he bought for us all; I'm talking about our visit to the go-cart track. Whilst racing he consistently let everybody overtake him with absolutely no thought for himself. Talking of stag weekends, that brings me nicely onto the next subject.

The stag weekend

The stag weekend was difficult to organise, partly because I had to do it and partly because getting money out of some of our friends is harder than getting blood from a stone. Rickmansworth was out as we have been banned from most pubs there, therefore we decided that we had to go further afield, so a stag night was changed to a stag weekend. We thought about Dublin, but it was no good, we had already been there and they hadn't forgotten. We tried Amsterdam, but were told politely not to bother by the Dutch authorities so in the end we settled on Newcastle. This town was a good choice for two reasons. Firstly, it was far enough away from home for none of us to be recognised and secondly it was far enough away from home to prevent Gavin from doing his usual Saturday night party trick of drinking like a fish for 2 hours, hurling abuse at his friends for being ‘lightweights’ and then hailing a taxi home at 8pm on his own in a drunken stupor. Fortunately this didn't happen, not because Gavin wasn't drunk, it was simply because no Geordie taxi driver in their right mind would let a shaven haired Southern drunkard into their cab dressed in a French Maids outfit.

Fortunately for Gavin and especially the rest of the stag team I've decided to adopt the hens’ precedent and remain silent on the stag do from hereon.

Sarah

When I first met Sarah my impression was of a beautiful, witty, charming, clever, friendly and thoughtful person. But she soon ruined this by agreeing to marry Gavin.

Speaking of Sarah, I would like to say how beautiful she looks today in that fantastic dress … Gavin likes it too as he thinks it blends well with the rest of the kitchen.

Gavin truly is a lucky man today marrying Sarah, she is a wonderful lady who deserves a good husband … so I think Gavin has done a fantastic job at marrying her before she had a chance to find one.

Sarah has become a good friend since I have known her. She is kind, thoughtful and caring. Her father pulled her to one side just before the wedding to give her some advice on three things to remember:

Aisle. As it is the longest walk you'll ever take
Altar. The place where 2 become 1
Hymn. This is where the congregation celebrate your coming together

Sarah certainly took this advice to heart; indeed I heard her muttering the three words under her breath as she walked down the aisle “AISLE ALTAR HYMN”, “AISLE ALTAR HYMN”,

Marriage is a splendid thing Sarah, it takes work and patience, never take it for granted. In fact my message to you is that you need to be committed to marry Gavin…………I have 2 doctors outside ready to sign the forms.

Messages

In the days leading up to this marriage I thought it would be a good idea to seek out some wedding advice from our mutual friends so that Gavin and Sarah can benefit from their wisdom:

From Ben Lumley:
"Gavin, I muttered a few words in church and I was married. A year later, I muttered a few words in my sleep and I was nearly divorced"

From Derren Maggs:
“Gavin, marriage is a thing that puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes…”

From Dave Bevis:
“Gavin, getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead”

And finally a message for Sarah from Cher: "the trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing…and then marry him"

Finish

Seriously though, it is traditional for the best man to slate the groom in this speech, but in Gavin's case this has been difficult as he really is fine person who has always been loyal and supportive to his friends and family. I know that in Sarah he has found his life partner and I know they will be truly happy together. I love spending my time with Gavin and Sarah and look forward to many more happy years of friendship.

On behalf of all of us in this room I would also like to take this opportunity to thank Pete and Sue Foster for the wonderful hospitality they have shown today. Gavin would also like to thank Pete and Sue, in advance, for how well they're going to treat him in the future.

I'd also like to thank the bridesmaids and ushers today for their invaluable contribution to the wedding, I'm sure you'll all agree with me that they all look wonderful.

So, finally (get a glass in your hand):

Here's to love, laughter
And happily ever after.
As Gavin and Sarah start their new life
Please stand and toast the new husband and wife

Ladies and gentlemen……the Bride and Groom