Speech by Stephen Kennedy

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stephen Kennedy
Speech Date: Sep 2001
Afternoon ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls hangers on and hotel staff, I am the best man for those who don't know me, my name is Stephen you will probably find me propping up the bar latter.

Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaid Louise I would like to thank John for his kind words and I am sure you will all agree she does look marvellous and hase done a splendid job in making this wedding a very emotional event – look! even the cakes in tiers.

I would like to take this opportunity to say what a tremendous wedding reception this has been so far, one fit for a queen or queen mum……speaking about the queen mum it has been said that being asked to be the best man is like being asked to make love to the queen mum – it's a terrific honour but nobody wants to do it. Anyway I am here now and when John asked me to do a few lines at his wedding a few thoughts crossed my mind:

Firstly – FOOTBALL.

Secondly –When, I started of reading these etiquette books it said my speech must give everyone that doesn't know John to well an introduction to him. You won't all know him very well and by the time I am finished, you may wish you didn't know him at all.

I have known John since he was a wee podgy person at school with thick glasses and a dodgey hair do…a bit like I was at school to be honest.

We grew up together living in Spam Valley, which is also known as Castle Park to the people who lived in the big hooses.

I have a few stories about him but I have just picked couples that are appropriate and not too nasty.

The first is the fact John used to be a slave; he worked early morning firstly as a paperboy for a local packies then latterly as a milkboy. To be fair I was also a slave as well. We used to do our rounds for extra cash to get drunk, gamble on the puggie machine and generally do things you weren't meant to do when you are 14.

I used to see John just about every morning but when I didn't I knew he was already slaving away…I don't know if you remember…well most folk here probably will when you get your milk delivered its either by someone with a lorry and a few milkboys that was John, or a wee guy pushing what you call a barrow……that was me. Well, there is a lane just beside where John used to live in Spam Valley and that's where Mr Myles used to leave my barrow in the morning. On the odd occasion someone would poke there fingers through the lids of the milk bottle tops much to my annoyance as I had to explain to Mr Myles that someone had done it again and again and again. This person was not stupid though he wouldn't do it every day oh no then he would get caught …just when he felt like it.

I used to curse this person and now here I am speaking about him.

Another little story I know about happened more recently when John should really have known better.

I was not actually there when this…what can we call it…act of stupidity and immaturity took place but I have been well informed.

As you probably all know John likes a bevy on a Friday night after his work. I don't know if anyone can remember maybe, last year when John had quite a bad an accident he split his head open and smashed his new glasses that probably cost a few bob.

Well let me let you into a secret firstly he didn't get a new pair of trainers for being a bad boy and secondly this accident was fuelled by drink. John and Stookie or Stuart who is sitting over there, were out one night and to cut a long story short had far to much to drink. When they were staggering home when they came across a shopping trolley…John decided to get in the trolley and was pushed to the next pub where they both had more drink.… When they left the pub the trolley was still there John decided correct me if I am wrong to get in it because he was to drunk to walk and Stookie pushed the trolley along long lane…….you can guess what happened next.… Now if it had of been me this accident would never had happened because I have had experience in pushing barrows about. But anyway they came across a kerb Stookie tried to mount the kerb seen as he would mount anything when he was drunk then tried to get John up the kerb and failed.

The end result was John smashing a new pair of specks bursting his head open and not knowing where he was. Stookie phoned an ambulance from Johns house. The ambulance came and then the boss, Simone, came home. She had been working and was greeted with blue flashing lights outside her house thinking the worst she runs into the garden to find John gibbering a load of crap and lying on the patio what a sight. I will leave you to imagine Johns explanation the next day with a soar head and a hangover.

What is she marrying him for you all maybe thinking well it could be because John is a mans man he likes his bevvy and a wee dabble in the bookies he likes playing and watching football if that is what you want to call it. Or is it because of the time he was dressed up in woman's clothes and put makeup on and danced around to depechmode in my living room. No maybe it might have been because of the time when they had a lovers tiff at a party and John chased Simone along the road in the name of love only to run into a hedge.

Whatever it is I am sure you will both are very happy together and I would like to take this opportunity to warn John about a few things he must remember Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. You will also have to remember 3 little words for a happy marriage “YOUR RIGHT SIMONE”

On a personal note John I have been your friend for about 15 to 20 years now and we've done a lot of good and bad things together. Simone I have also known you for a good few years now. We have also done some good and bad things together but I would like to wish you both all the best. I am proud of you and John I am sure your mums very proud of you and I know that if your dad was here today he would be the proudest man in the room..…

Ladies and Gentlemen and all the others I mentioned at the start on behalf of John and Simone Id like to thank everyone here for sharing this very special day with them.

On behalf of myself I wish you'd all stayed at home because things would have been a hell of a lot easier on me. I started planning this speech about 4 months ago and you all must feel like I've been blethering for just as long…….but it gives me great pleasure and a lot of relief to invite you to all stand and raise your glasses in a toast for John and Simone, Mr and Mrs Webster. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage together. John and Simone……