Speech by Stephen Martin

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stephen Martin
Speech Date: 01/10/2015 07:39:43

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Before I undertake the customary duty of giving Patrick an uncomfortable few minutes it is part of the official duty of the best man to thank Patrick, on behalf of the bridesmaids, for his kind words and for having them play a part of this really special day. I have to say they all look wonderful and have done an excellent job.

For those who don't know me, my name is Stephen and I am Patrick's brother/ the best man. I couldn't believe it when Patrick had exhausted all other options and decided to ask me to be his best man. It's such a great honour, and it means a great deal to be asked.

Firstly, on behalf of everyone here I would like to say congratulations to Patrick and Hannah. Anyone here like me who has been lucky enough to spend time in their company knows what a great couple they are together, perfectly complementing each other.

I have been given guidance from Hannah that there is a mixture of ages in attendance and that the speech should suit the entire audience. So this speech has been adapted and any sexual innuendo has been removed as I agreed if there was anything of that nature in the speech, including anything of huge length, I would whip it out immediately.

Now, in preparing this speech I did a little bit of homework on the internet, and I found a beautiful and very touching tradition that I'd like to share with you all. For the next part of my speech, I need a little assistance from you both. Hannah, please can you put your hand flat on the table, and then Patrick place your hand on top of it. All will be revealed in a short time, but if you could leave your hands as they are I would appreciate it. I will start off with some compliments. I would like to echo what has already been said and complement our beautiful bride. I must say that Hannah looks terrific today…as opposed to Patrick who looks like he was won in a raffle.

Patrick is one very lucky man. Surprisingly, Patrick has scrubbed up quite well himself, even if he did copy my outfit…

A special thanks to the Ushers, Jamie, Marcus & Jie I know Patrick had a huge dilemma when selecting you to do the difficult task of directing people to their seats, and thanks for at least turning up sober.

I'd also like to congratulate Patrick on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.

To the Bridesmaids and Flower girls, Natalie, Lyndsey Lori, Deborah, Kayleigh & Millie, you all look absolutely amazing and have done a fantastic job today.

I would also like to thank your parents, Ian and Eve & Pat & June who have shown great support to the happy couple in the build-up to this special day. You have played a pivotal role on this momentous occasion.

I know Patrick and Hannah appreciate you all being here to share in their special day. Some have travelled long distances to be here. So thanks for being part of such a wonderful occasion. It is amazing how far people will go for a free meal and a couple of glasses of wine…

When Patrick asked me to be his best man, naturally I had many questions. What had I done to deserve such an honour? Who had dropped out? Was I really the best he could come up with? In the end, having accepted the role, I'm pretty happy with the way things went today. From a best man's perspective, everything went smoothly. For starters, I got him to the venue on time, He also arrived sober, an achievement which shouldn't be underestimated with my track record… And most importantly in this time of economic uncertainty, I successfully resisted the urge to post the wedding rings to Cash for Gold and do a runner with the money.

Unaccustomed to public speaking as I am, I have been fairly nervous before today's speech. However, before I accepted to be Best Man and spill ALL the beans, Patrick seemed pretty keen to strike up a deal with me. Stephen he said, do me a favour, Please go easy on me with the speech and I promise I'll let you be Best Man at my next wedding.

Apart from that important task, the best man's duties are numerous and diverse; obviously one of the most important is to ensure the Grooms’ respectable appearance … now come on.… you can only work with what you're given!

I must point out that before I started my speech Hannah gave me a list of DO's and DONT's that she would like me to stick to…….

1 – DON'T mention any ex-girlfriends  2 – DON'T swear  3 – DON'T tell any rude joke 4 – DON'T tell any lies  5 – DO tell positive stories about Patrick

Groom Stories

I spent a long time wondering how to describe Patrick – with the respect due to a man on his wedding day; how to strike the right tone of sincerity and praise. Patrick is a man who truly defies description. I could speak for an hour about him, but don't worry I'm not going to as when I'm finished we'd be no closer to grasping the essential essence of my dear brother… And yet, miraculously, he can be neatly summed up with a single, internationally recognised hand gesture.

I thought I had better find out some interesting events that happened on the day he was born. I decided to look up Patrick's date of birth on the internet to see what momentous events took place that day. Unfortunately nothing seemed to have happened. He was born on the 26th of November 1982 which was a Friday, number one in the charts was Eddy Grant with I don't want to dance, nothing else of excitement happened on this day, although the nurses at the Hospital where he was born still refer to that day as ‘ugly Friday’.

Growing up together in those early days, I am proud to say (and I am sure many of you here who know me will agree) that I was an angelic child, no trouble to anyone, but the same could not be said of Patrick. He showed no respect to his younger brother. I became an innocent victim of years of torment and violent abuse.

But he grew up into the well-mannered and well-presented individual we see sitting here today. Patrick has matured.

Those of you who know Patrick will know he is well known to fall asleep almost anywhere and has done since he was young. There have been times when we has fallen asleep in his younger years outside on his bike, many times in the pub and even a few times at his work. Jie told me that he once fell asleep whilst carrying roof tiles up a ladder at work, and Chris decided to cling-film him to the bed whilst sleeping on the STAG. I did promise I would never share those pictures but come and ask later if you wish to see.

I am surprised he is still awake today, given we have been up since 7am and left the house at 12. Let's see how long he last tonight!

Telegrams

As best man I understand it is my responsibility to read out some cards sent from people who were not able to attend. I'll just do a couple.

Dear Pat, Congratulations on your special day, we will miss you. All the girls from 7th Heaven Lap Dancing xx

Dear Hannah, It was nice while it lasted, but I guess we'll have to call it a day now you're married. Love Brad Pitt xx

Advice

It is customary for me to offer the happy couple some words of wisdom. So here goes nothing.

Hannah, the 5 key points you need to remember are;

A man will treat you right and always stand by your side. A man will comfort you in times of trouble. A man will shower you with gifts and compliments. A man will please you and grant your every request. But, most importantly and finally, Make sure that each man does not know the other one's name.

Patrick, a few things for you to consider.

Somebody once said marriage is a 50/50 partnership – But anybody who believes that knows nothing about women or fractions.

Never forget those 3 magical words….… You're right Hannah.

But please remember Hannah, don't keep him in the dog house too long, he might give his bone to the woman next door.

After asking around today, it does appear that there is a lot of confusion over where they are going on their honeymoon. I thought, perhaps like many of you, that they were off somewhere warm and sunny like Mexico, Cuba, or Jamaica. But now I am a little unsure. Having spoken to Patrick before we went into venue, I think they may be heading towards North Wales. Well, that's what I assumed he meant when he said straight after the wedding, he was going to Bangor for a week.

Patrick has been a great brother to me and we've had some excellent times together and I'm sure we'll have more in the future and it's been an honour to be the best man today.

I'm sure you are all wondering why I asked Patrick to place his hand on top of Hannah's? I will now let you know. Patrick..… As my final role as Best Man, it has been with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last few minutes, in which you will ever have the upper hand over Hannah in married life. I do hope you appreciate it.

Sincerity

Words cannot express how happy I am that you have finally tied the knot today. I know, and I am sure everybody else here would agree with me, Patrick you could not have made a better choice in Hanna.

I want to say what a privilege it is today to be your best man. I couldn't wish for a better brother and how much you mean is really impossible to put into words. The whole family is proud of you Patrick, and we are all thrilled to see you marrying your beautiful bride Hannah today.

Now for the final part of my speech I'd like to ask the bride and groom to participate again. Patrick and Hannah, can you stand and face each other, link hands and gaze into each other's eyes. Now, I just want to make you aware that statistically, you are looking into the eyes of the person most likely to murder you! Hopefully it will never happen.

Toast

It now gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief to invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses in a toast, to love, laughter and happy ever after, to Mr & Mrs Martin.