Speech by Stephen McTavish

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stephen McTavish
Speech Date: Dec 2001
Good afternoon everyone, I'm sure you'll all agree that this has turned out
to be a fabulous day so far.

I was quite nervous about speaking today so I prepared a few lines, and now
that I've snorted them I feel just fine!

I am Stephen McMurtrie and I would like to say how honoured I am to have
been chosen to be Best man. There was a moment when it looked as though a
reserve best man was required and for all those of you who tried to jump
into my boots ……are you still so keen?

Does my bum look big in this? [I was wearing a kilt!]

On behalf of the bridesmaids Joanne & Jessica I would like to thank B*******
for his kind words and add that I think they are doing a great job of
looking terrific.

& On behalf of Evelyn, M********s mother I would like to thank B******* for
his words of gratitude.

B******* has placed a lot of trust in me today and Before I go on to
betray that trust I'd like to say how stunning M******** looks.
Such a beautiful, intelligent and successful girl
so why B*******???
Well, he is a McTavish [Name changed to protect the guilty]
& I have carried out some research into the origins of the name “McTavish” –
B******* and the rest of the Clan will confirm that the name comes from an
11th century Scottish title which may explain why every year, around Burn's
night B*******’s true ancestry shines through when he becomes Highlander,
Braveheart, and Robbie Burns all under one sporran. And We are reminded for
the thousandth time that B*******’s Dad played a lead role in the movie
Highlander.
So the name McTavish then ….it means
STRONG & HANDSOME & BRAVE
The name B******* means “NOT VERY”

You don't need to be around B******* long to realise that he is a bright
spark.
And it is true to say that he has a flare for things electrical
As a boy he motorized his bedroom curtains, wired flashing lights to his
parents stereo and electrified his bedroom doorhandle to keep his sister
Mary out. So it was no surprise when B******* started out in the RAF as a
technician working on life support equipment at an RAF hospital.

I am sure that everyone here and not just those of the medical profession
will agree what a very important job that was– but it seems not important
enough in B*******s mind…… He revealed to me that more than once he
borrowed a white coat and slung a stethoscope around his neck to pace
through the hospital corridors basking in the respect from his “patients”.
It gives me enormous pleasure to reveal that sad fact to so many genuine
members of the medical profession here today. But interestingly, he was
slightly less cocksure whilst receiving medical attention for a minor
ailment on his stag night!

This is not the only time that B******* has thought that he could build up
his part…….Ohh no!……In an attempt to save a few quid on this wedding he
considered conducting his own wedding ceremony and I have a secret photo
from this attempt – [I HAD A PICTURE OF THE GROOM IN VICAR'S OUTFIT
ENLARGED]

This picture was taken just before the lightning bolts started striking

I would like to take you all back to the night that B******* and M********
met for the very first time.
It was great to hear B*******’s romantic description of that night – but I'd
like to offer a little more detail:
He mentioned that it was at the Officers’ Mess Summer Ball but appears to
have neglected to mention that he hadn't actually bought a ticket and was a
gatecrasher that night.
Keen to impress M******** he ordered Champagne and paid for it by signing in
a book at the bar, as is customary. It was this signature that was later to
betray B*******’s presence to the organising committee.
Not only was he forced to pay the full ticket price he earnt himself extra
duties for this stunning lack of integrity.
But I doubt that B******* has any regrets about being there now – and who
could blame him?
I was not there that night but I do remember well the first time that I met
B*******. It was in the hallowed corridors of the RAF College Cranwell,
corridors that have been walked by the likes of Wing Commander Guy Gibson,
Douglas Bader and now B******* McTavish. This was 12 years ago and it was
obvious that the chap introducing himself as “William Muir McTavish the 3rd”
had only recently been released back into the community and I was sure that
he would soon be removed from the building by the RAF police. That was 12
years ago and little did I know that we would remain in each others company
for many interesting years to come:
I shared a student house with B******* for 3 years & he certainly left his
mark on me– physically! I had a habit of rocking back on my chair at the
dinner table, balancing it on the 2 rear legs – when on one occasion
B******* unpicked my fingers from the table – I slipped back and SMASHED TO
THE GROUND, the chair broke and a piece of sharp wood stabbed me in the
nose. A One inch cut bled profusely as B******* denied all responsibility
and left me to drive myself to hospital.

To this day I have the scar on my nose but it's the mental scars that run
much, much deeper.

Soon after moving in to our student house I began to wonder what I had let
myself in for. B******* unpacked a large box
that contained a Chainsaw, a Defibrillator and the major parts of a
motorbike. Fortunately, all were in a state of disrepair. But from the
first time I heard the motorbike roar into life I lived in total fear of
being flatlined or mutilated in my sleep –

B******* has been described in looks and voice as a cross between Lloyd
Grossman and Bobby Charlton. Ironically he shares Lloyd Grossman's soccer
skills and Bobby Charlton's culinary ability.

At my own wedding I recall the receiving line, it came to B*******’s turn –
he dropped to his knees at the feet of my new bride shouting “It could have
been ME.… It Could have been ME!!” In fact he then queued up again to
repeat this hugely embarrassing spectacle, all of which now dominates any
viewing of my wedding video. That was 6 years ago and since that time I
believe that I have earnt the right to offer a couple of words of advice on
married life–

………YES DEAR!!

PAUSE

Never go to bed angry………….always stay up and argue.

PAUSE

And The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it just once.

I asked M********’s mum for some pre-wedding thoughts. She said to me "it's
funny how history repeats itself. 29 years ago M******** was being sent to
bed with a dummy – here we go again then”

I realise that it is just me that stands between you – the bar and the
highland fling so I will not go into detail about the unfortunate demise of
the Homemade rocket that returned to earth under full power and no parachute

The motorbike that would go from 0-60 in 3 seconds – if only B******* could
have stayed on it.

I am very pleased to see B******* and M******** married today
not least of all because it seems that they have saved me from spending
Christmas and the next 4 months in the Gulf .

I am proud to count B******* as a great friend. We have shared many laughs
together; normally at my expense I might add,
Together we have waded out to sea at midnight,
flour bombed unsuspecting boats from a light aircraft over Florida
We've been chased by guards over barbed wire fences………… whilst wearing togas
and parachuted into an Oxfordshire pig farm –.
I often wonder what it would be like if I DIDN'T have a friend like
B*******……
sometimes the SMILE lasts for days.
I have to say that M******** has been a wonderful influence on B*******.
Since the day they met he has been a happy little soul and I have seen what
a great double act they are. but M********, remember, a groom is for life –
not just for Christmas.

I admire B*******s outlook on life, and I know that M******** shares his
vibrant approach and is more than match for his own perceived wit.

I expect there to never be a dull moment in the McTavish household

B******* and M******** – In wishing you both a long and fruitful marriage
I call upon everyone here to rise and join me now as I propose a Toast to
B******* and M********