Speech by Stephen Moon

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stephen Moon
Speech Date: oct 2004
Hello ladies and gentlemen…….and Nigel

As you've gathered I'm the best man, and also Nigel's brother, Stephen.

Well then you'll not believe the amount of sleep I've lost over this.… Being asked to be a best man is like being asked to make love to the Queen, It's a fantastic honour, but no one really wants to do it.

When Nigel asked me to do the duty, my first thought was wow best man, what an honour. My second thought was a suspicious why? What had I done wrong?

However, duty bound, I proceeded to investigate what this role entails on the internet, but this only led to me being mystified by some of the things I was expected to do:-

First of all I was to help the groom to dress- thanks but no thanks, if he hasn't learned by now…
Ensure the groom: uses the toilet – nah!,………… I can vouch for the fact that he actually did manage the use the loo, at least twice this morning…
His shoes are tied – check
His face and hair are in order (What hair!, so what hope do I have?)
Nothing is between his teeth (or should that be his ears?)
That his trouser flies are done up…… (mmm perhaps our mum should be best man)

I'll begin my duties firstly by thanking Nigel for his kind words on behalf of the bridesmaids. I can only agree and add that I also think they've done a brilliant job today in making sure that Kate didn't escape… sorry I mean turned up on time and looking so fetching.

Having made the thanks on behalf of the bridesmaids, that's one part of my duties fulfilled and now lets get down to the nitty gritty,

Nigel you did say on your stag do, all be it quite late in the evening, that I could say anything today… “Don't hold back” you said, “I'm not bothered what you say”, you said.… Well here goes,

Nigel William Moon was born on the 18th April 1965 in Chorley… and yes tomorrow is his birthday….… but no need to worry about getting him a pressie this year, I guess he'll be getting that from Kate later tonight!

Now I've also scanned to internet to find out what momentous events happened on that date in history and the only thing I came up with was that the Rolling Stones were arrested and fined £5 for urinating in a public place..… I guess if I was really clever I could have linked that into a stag do story somewhere…eh Nigel.… Maybe later?

Nigel and I were the only children of our parents Sheila and Peter and were brought up in the village of Coppull. There being only three years between us meant that we spent most of our childhood days together. Now with us both near to, or in my case slightly into our 40’s, I feel in saying these words today, I can finally make my apologies to Nigel for some of the things I may have put him through back then ….… What's the matter Nigel..… don't worry this will be painless, well at least I won't feel a thing.

When we were kids, unlike kids today, we had to make our own entertainment and living in the countryside we were able to so freely, with a little imagination. Now this is were the apologises must start.

Having a younger brother to play with, or should I say experiment with, for me was really great, Nigel may not have quite so readily agreed. In the interests of keeping me amused and the rest of the gang entertained, I carried out numerous experiments, and unfortunately mostly at Nigel's expense. Nigel was Cheetah to my Tarzan, especially when I thought it would be a good idea, like Tarzan to swing from the trees, with Cheetah on your back. It was shortly after launching us from the branch and into the wide blue younger that I found out that Nigel was a little heavier than I'd thought. My hands were ripped from the rope and we both fell, plummeting to the ground below. Lucky for me, and thanks again Nigel, you broke my fall, o should that be sorry?

Another experiment that I was able to conduct was to prove that bulls can't see red..… Now Nigel wasn't too keen on this one, but by putting a RED duffle bag over his head before the rest of the gang and myself led him out into a field full of young bullocks helped his nerves……a little. Although they were very interested in this new intruder on their patch and got a little too close for comfort, but angry they didn't get.… Thanks for that one Nigel, or again a big sorry,…another leap forward for science and mankind…….it was strange how Nigel's face went the same colour has the duffle bag, but his underpants were strangely somewhat brown.

One of the things I was taught very early in my career was that you can say awful things about a mans home, his children and even his wife, but never say a bad thing about his driving. All men are experts and if you criticise their driving ability, well that's fighting talk.

Now those of you who had ever had the fortune to be driven by Nigel will know that he obviously learnt his skills at the Colin McCray school of motoring. Unlike the Maestro McCray though Nigel hasn't quite perfected the art. To Nigel the art of defensive driving, passenger comfort and smooth gear changes with progressive breaking are a foreign language. Nigel took five attempts to pass his driving test, which spookily was the same number of his first five cars he owned …..… and quickly wrote off.

He even had a go at motorcycling, between crashing on four wheels. Now Nigel may like spending his well earned dosh on beer food and Kate, in that order, but he's never been one for splashing out on decent wheels. This has always been the same, even during his motorcycling period . Unfortunately with his Yamaha 50cc moped he had only an old open face crash helmet to protect himself from the elements. Now commonsense will tell you that the only safe way to ride a motorcycle, is obviously with your eyes open..… not for Nigel..… One particular day, feeling uncomfortable with the rain in his eyes, he decided to ride along the road in a series of long blinks, unfortunately has the rain got harder, the blinks got longer, that was until one particularly long blink when just as he opened his eyes, he saw the back of the van he was just about to hit. Witnesses said that he was just able to shout S..H..I, before the lights went out…… No more bikes for Nige

READ CARDS HERE

Well thanks for listening to me drone on but I think it's about time I'd better wind up and let you all get back to enjoying your evening. It only falls for me now to thank you all on behalf of the bride and groom for sharing their special day, and, it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand, and raise your glasses in a toast to Nigel and Kate, because I feel they were made for each other.

Nigel and Kate.…

May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever.

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you the bride and grooms future happiness.