Speech by Stephen Ormston

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stephen Ormston
Speech Date: oct 2003
INTRODUCTIONS:

Good afternoon everybody, …

Before I start, I'd like to thank Martin for his kind words. I have to agree that both Mandy and Myra look wonderful. … and just so he doesn't feel left out – Martin, it's nice to see that you got a new suit as well.

For those of you who don't know me; I'm the Best Man, Stephen, Martin's younger more handsome brother.

Anyone who already knows us will know that normally I am the shy, quiet one that doesn't have many stories or jokes. Today, it seems we have swapped roles, as it is my job to tell some embarrassing stories about Martin and generally insult and ridicule him while he forks out for your dinner.

On a more serious note though, I feel very lucky and privileged to have been trusted for such an important occasion.

Now while I was trying to prepare for today, I was a little unsure about what I would be expected to do so I bought a book called “The Best Man's Checklist”. Inside is a list of things for me to do on the Big Day, although I was a little confused about some of the items listed.

Apparently, I have to:

Help the groom dress …

Now at nearly 30 I thought he should really know how to do this himself by now.

Make sure the groom uses the toilet …

Well, I thought I'll send him in there, but I'm not making sure.

Ensure the groom's face and hair are in order …

Well if God can't manage it, what chance do I have?

Make sure his trousers are done up …

At which point I started to think that maybe my Mam should have been the Best Man.

… and finally…

Make a speech to the bride and groom …

Now, at first I thought this meant JUST to the bride and groom, you know, maybe off in a little room somewhere, with some nice sandwiches and cup of tea. Needless to say I was a bit upset when I find out that I'm expected do it in front of all of you lot as well.

Still, I suppose I better get on with it…

MIDDLE:

Now anyone who has been a Best Man before will know that making a speech is not an easy job. However, with Martin the hardest part wasn't deciding what to say, but deciding what to leave out.

Should I tell them about the time:
… he sent me to hospital with a broken arm,
… or the time he sent me to hospital with a broken leg,
… or when he pushed me down the stairs and split my head open

.. but of course, those are all stories he can tell at my wedding, so in the end I decided to tell you about a little problem our Martin had on a campsite in the south of France …

However, luckily for Martin this probably isn't the most suitable story to tell out loud to a large room full of people. Instead, I will be hiring a smaller room and charging an entrance fee is anyone is still interested in the story. (Instead, I thought I'd give you some background on the happy couple …)

Martin was born in 1973, the same year I have discovered in which both the Sydney Opera house and the World Trade Center were opened, Marlon Brando won an Oscar for the Godfather, and one especially for my Dad and John … Sunderland won the FA Cup …
Not bad achievements, but I think we can all agree, Martin has managed to excel all of these – he has married the woman he loves, and can now look forward to many happy years together.
(Hope that wasn't too soppy Martin)

As most of you will know, they originally met each other at work which isn't too exciting nowadays – many people meet their future partners at work, but living away from home I didn't get to meet Mandy for quite some time … however I do remember giving them both a lift back from a party and there were some very odd noises coming from the back seat, So much so in fact that at one point, I was too frightened to turn around to see what was happening. (IIRC, one of the noises was Mandy complaining that her hair was caught in something.) Since then though their love has blossomed, and today we all here to make their relationship that little bit more respectable.

Although I did not properly meet Mandy again for some time after this, I could see that she is a perfect match for Martin (or sometimes I think that maybe “perfect sparring partner” would be a better description), and I also knew that both her and Stuart would fit very well into our family. So much a part in fact, that when I am back in the North East I often find that I'm at the back of the queue on a Saturday morning for a cup of coffee and bacon sandwich.

CLOSING REMARKS:

Well, you've probably heard enough from me by now, but before I leave you all today, I would like to read out some of the messages from those who couldn't make it today.

Over the years, we've found Martin to be useless in almost every position.
Let's hope Mandy has more luck.
Congratulations.

Few other cards … <read from more cards>

Now we all knew today was going to be an emotional event. In fact, I even heard that the cake was in tiers (come on I know there isn't a cake but it wasn't that bad) but I think we can all agree that today has been a wonderful occasion.

Martin, Mandy <turn> I would like to finish by offering you both my sincerest good wishes for the future.

May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever.

… and now for my final words of advice to the Bride and Groom.
Mandy: always remember that men are like fine wine – they start out like grapes and its your job to stamp on them until they mature into something that you'd like to have dinner with.

On the other hand, Martin, women are also like a fine wine. They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating for the mind. And then turn full-bodied until they go sour and vinegary. <pause>Then they give you a headache.

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for your patience and more thanks to the few of you who laughed

I would now like to ask you to stand, and join me in a toast to the Bride and Groom's Future Happiness.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The Bride and Groom.

..and now I feel I'm about to be upstaged by someone half my size, twice my intelligence, and very likely four-times as brave as I have been today …