Speech by Stephen Picken

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stephen Picken
Speech Date: sep 2002
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. For those who don't know me, my name is Tim.
Foolishly, Phil has given me the great honour of being his best man. Let me first say how privileged I am to stand before you to speak on this very special day.
I am sure you will agree that the wedding has turned out to be a fabulous event, but every silver lining has a cloud – and now you have to listen to me for a few minutes!

We've all seen what a wonderful job the bridesmaids and the page boys have done today and on behalf of them I would like to thank Phil and Rachel for their lovely gifts and Phil's kind words.
I think we all agree that Rachel looks like one in a million today, and that Phil looks like he was won in a raffle. But then, as the best man, I have had to ensure that the groom arrived at his wedding – on time, sober, and looking good, well 2 out of 3 isn't bad.
Now – I'm sure some of the men here today have been a best man at a wedding before (pause) and know how important the job is to the success of the day. It is traditionally expected that I should make a speech that pokes a certain amount of fun at Phil, with anecdotes about his past exploits. But – I am also aware that it is his wedding day and I don't want to cause too much embarrassment.
So with that in mind and knowing how particular Rachel is – I thought that I ought to consult her in advance for some guidelines !
She told me that there were only two things about the wedding that concerned her…My speech and my conduct !
So she kindly gave me a few instructions from which I have produced some edited highlights Produce folded paper
DO NOT get drunk
DO NOT use bad language
DO NOT sing
DO NOT let Phil sing
DO NOT let Phil drink Jack Daniels
In fact…DO NOT let Phil drink
DO NOT slip out to the bookies
DO NOT let Phil slip out to the bookies
And…DO NOT play strange coin games with my father

Whilst I can't promise to keep to each of these demands, I have tried to take the responsibility seriously.
Now – I think it is time to give a run down on the guy who has tied the knot today. A kind of Phil – ‘This is your life’.
Phil was born in 1967 and was about the size of a small baby. How times change!
Now – it may be a surprise to some of you to learn that Phil's first name is actually Stephen. Well in fact even fewer know that Phil was nearly called Thursday. When he was born and presented to his father, Richard looked at him and said to Anna ‘I think we had better call it a day!’
It may also surprise you to know that Phil was very sporty in his youth. He represented his local team at cricket. Now the added benefit of Phil's selection was that, in those days, his hair was so fluorescent white that his side could play night matches without having to invest in floodlights !

Phil excelled in his school years, studying hard and achieving good grades. He then went on to University.
It was at University, in 1985, that I first met Phil. This was the summer that the world was rocking to Live Aid – with Bob Geldof, Status Quo and Queen. Meanwhile others were at primary school reading Janet and John books !
I had three encounters with Phil in my very first week. Firstly when signing up to join the University Horse Racing Society (The Turf Club). Then he appeared again at the poker night at the University pub on campus and then, unbelievably, he appeared yet again – this time at my very first lecture. It was at this moment that I realised someone very special had entered my life. Yes – I had a stalker !
Over the following years at University, Phil and I spent a lot of time together. We played cricket, had all-night poker sessions and watched Neighbours and One Man and his Dog whilst waiting for the off-peak cheap buses to town. Oh – and occasionally attended lectures.
But my overriding memories of our University time together are the many great Saturdays that we spent at race meetings. When armed with Phil's encyclopaedic knowledge and phenomenal memory of horse racing form, we toured the countryside in his blue Mini Metro and raided the bookies at every meeting. These occasions strengthened not only our friendship but also our bank balances.
But despite my best efforts, we both managed to graduate three years later and joined accountancy firms. Initially I had never really seen Phil as an accountant – but given his reluctance to be first to the bar I knew he would be a natural.
After leaving Uni, Phil continued his grand tour of England. He moved to Leicester to start his training and then after qualifying – up sticks to take a new job in Manchester. It was here, whilst looking for a tin opener, that I discovered that the sole contents of his kitchen were….crates of beer. This also made Phil a very welcome houseguest in my home. Sadly for me, our intrepid hero decided to leave and move further South, initially to Birmingham and from there to Northampton and then on to Southampton. At this point his compass broke and he found himself heading North again and shortly afterwards Stephen Phil Thursday Marco Polo XXXXX landed in London.
Then came that fateful day when Phil and Rachel first met. At that moment, Phil's bachelor days could be summarised in one word, ‘OVER’. Rachel is said to have remarked that she thought Phil was ‘handsome from afar’, however earlier today she confided in me that she actually said Phil was ‘far from handsome’.
I like to think that I have always been a forward thinker, I believed that Nelson Mandela would be freed one day, and that the Berlin Wall would eventually fall, but I never thought Phil would get married. Phil now knows that the kitchen is not just the place for storing beer, and with Rachel's detailed instructions can now cook an excellent breakfast. He has also learnt to separate eggs – admittedly by putting them in opposite corners of the kitchen.
Whilst it is customary to mention the stag event at the races earlier this month – the Rule of Stag prevents me from going into any details. However, I do know that Phil would like me to pass on his personal thanks to Harry. Having spent much of the night before studying the form Harry succeeded in achieving a 100% record. Yes – Seven races, seven horses and seven losers ! And by this selfless act he managed to narrow the field – giving Phil a sure-fire way to beat the bookies yet again.
I would now like to make a presentation to Phil for his lifetime achievement in racing. Please come forward, Phil. In recognition of your success on that day and for many other racing days with me before I would like to award you a first cap – as Champion tipster <Racing Cap>. Smile and look at the camera. That will be the on the front page in tomorrow's Racing Post.
Now – I don't pretend to be an expert on marital advice but I do have the following words of wisdom for Phil;
Firstly – Set the ground rules and establish who is boss…and then do everything she says. So Phil, I have a gift for you that might assist. <Horse Whip>
Secondly – Remember the four rings: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering, and the enduring.
Thirdly – The best way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it just once.
and finally – Never forget the magical words, ‘YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR’.
I have to say Phil, you have married a beautiful, charming and exceptional woman.
I have to say, Rachel, you've married – well – Phil !
But on a more serious note, Phil. We have had many great times together and I hope that we will continue to do so in the future. You have been a good friend to me over the years, and it is a great honour to be your best man today.
So, Phil and Rachel, on behalf of everyone, I would like to wish you health and prosperity for the future, and trust that you will enjoy a long and happy marriage.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding and raise your glasses, I give you . . .
The Bride and Groom
Thank you for your patience – please enjoy the rest of the day.