Speech by Stephen Richards

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stephen Richards
Speech Date: sep 2003
Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Steven and Ive had the pleasure, until now, of acting as Pauls best man. Now, I have to admit that I wasnt the first person that Paul asked to be best man but he couldnt afford the rates of my colleagues at rent-a-man.com sorry rent-a-best-man.com, so at #7 per hour, dont expect a great speech from me.
But seriously, firstly, on behalf of the Maid of Honour and bridesmaids Id like to thank the bridegroom for his kind words. I think we can all agree that they have done a great job today So how about a round of applause?
Now Im going to break with tradition and read some of the cards now as Paul and Michaela have been inundated with messages from friends who unfortunately couldnt be with us today:-
The first is to Paul:-
Paul, we could have made a great couple Love & kisses Dale Winton
To Michaela we were so good together, shame you settled for him! Love Paul Archer (one of grooms good friends)
To Paul, Don't go forgetting us now you are married …. Love from all the girls at Spearmint Rhinos
Moving on though Its great for me to do this job today because it means that Paul has finally admitted theres a better man than him. Not that hes got an Ego, its just that he says if he gets reincarnated he wants to come back as himself.
Joking apart, for those gathered here who dont know the Groom there was also a time when I didn't know Paul, so I got some inside information from family and friends:-
Paul was born in 1977, the same year that
ELVIS died (supposedly)
The Neutron Bomb was developed
England lost 2-1 to Scotland at Wembley
And 574 died as two jumbos collided over Tenerife
So throw in Paul as well and it really wasnt a great year at home or abroad
But looking at Paul today we see a very presentable looking man . so youll be surprised to learn he hasnt always been this way. During his School years one of Pauls favourite subjects was chemistry and even after leaving he kept experimenting with different substances but fortunately now takes nothing stronger than Viagra.
Although he works out now people couldnt remember much about Pauls sporting achievements at school, so I went back to our old PE teacher Mr Beech and asked if he could remember Paul. Beechy said yes I do, a chubby lad with unusually small genetalia and no footballing ability.
That probably explains why Paul took up Rugby and there was a time when he used to play Rugby regularly. Mind you, according to the lads he was useless in all positions so lets hope Mic has better luck!
It was also at school that Paul earned the nickname he has kept to this day Billy Bull$**!!hitter so it was quite fitting when he asked me to be his best man, saying I dont care what you say about me, so long as it isnt true. But it will take more than marriage to make an honest man out of Paul
Since Ive known Paul hes always had a reputation for exaggeration particularly about his salary. This is why I was interested to hear that Paul went to his boss Mike to ask for a raise because he was getting married Mike replied I know you cant get married on what we pay you, but one day youll thank me
But to be fair to Paul, he is a determined chap and has recently followed his new Father-in-Law into taxiing. In fact I heard from him that hes working on his second million, he must have given up on the first.
Anyway I see many of you nodding off old stories do have that effect on some people, so Ill change the subject & talk about thing more recent, the STAG Do
As you may have heard 6 Porn Stars, Paul, Tony and Les headed to Ibiza for a few days. Unfortunately the law of Stag precludes me from revealing too much, suffice to say, Warren, a bit of advice, when negotiating with ladies of the night, IF THEY HAVE AN ADAMS APPLE, WALK AWAY ,,,,,,,,,,,, OR AT LEAST ASK FOR A DISCOUNT.
On the Stag do I also got to talk to Michaelas dad for the first time who was recalling that it didnt seem all that long ago Michaela was going to bed with a dummy. Nothing changes then.
Now I think its fair to say Pauls the type of person who knows what he wants and goes out to get it; The first time I met Michaela was with Paul on Valentines Day last year and by the Autumn they were engaged. In fact Paul proposed to Michaela after going to see the Musical Chicago in London, and we all know thats a play about greed, corruption, violence, adultery and the murder of her lover by a blonde bombshell.
I dont know what first attracted Paul to the blonde, slim, attractive Michaela; Shes unlike any of the girls Ive seen him with before like under the age of 30.
But Im sure working for a travel agency was a bonus and 2morrow they go off on their honeymoon. Pauls done a great job today but god knows how hes going to hold his stomach in for two whole weeks.
So to sum up, Paul you are indeed a lucky man; You have married Michaela today and I am sure she will remain warm, loving, caring and beautiful. She deserves a good husband. It's just a shame you married her before she found one!
At this point I would like to ask Paul and Michaela to participate in this speech. Michaela if I can ask you to place you hand flat on the table . . . now Paul, place your hand directly on top of Michaelas.. Take a deep breath and enjoy the moment Paul, as it is the last time that you will ever have the upper hand.

Now Ladies and Gentlemen, can I also ask you all to also please participate as we toast the bride a groom

To Paul and Michaela Hart, we wish you health, wealth and happiness

Thank you, youve been a kind audience and oh, Paul, some final words of wisdom
Paul,
It is important that you have found a woman that cooks and cleans.

It is important that you have found a woman that makes money, and;

It is important that you have found a woman who loves having sex.

But most importantly; Its important that these three women never meet.

Many thanks again

Steven