Speech by Stephen Roberts

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stephen Roberts
Speech Date: oct2002
Best Man's Speech
Steve and Lou
19th October 2002

Ladies, Gentleman, Terry…….…

Mr Johnson – regarding the stag do……..we'll get back to that!

Firstly on behalf of Caroline I would like to thank Steve for his kind words……..I totally agree that Caroline has done a great job today and she looks fantastic (don't beat me up Jay!!!), so well done Caroline..…

Secondly and most importantly what can you say about Louise Johnson?? Well you could not wish to meet a nicer person than Louise, she really is one in a million and she looks truly stunning, absolutely amazing in fact………..Steve is a really lucky guy and he does realize that…

Which leads me nicely on to Mr Johnson…and what can you say about him?? Well a lot has been said over the years and most of it is unrepeatable so I better be careful!

For example I could tell you about the time at University when Steve came home so drunk that he thought it would be a good idea to break into his own house instead of using the front door key. There I was fast asleep when I heard a huge bang and the sound of breaking glass as this moron kicked the door in, I got up expecting to find burglars only to find Steve grinning at me…..I asked him what he was doing….or words to that effect and he replied ……….’Don't worry about it man……..I'm mashed, I'll sort it tomorrow’

Well Steve did sort it out the next day…he put a picture of Claudia Schifer over the damage he had done!

When Steve asked me to be his best man I was overjoyed and naturally told my family – disturbingly they all burst out laughing which I found quite worrying!!! My Mum actually did comment ‘ well God help him’
About a week later this book came through the post for me ……….’it's called the best best man’ and it was from my sister. With it was this note……….I'll read it for you…………

‘Delinquent brother, read this and even you won't be able to mess up’ …bit of a pain as I had to learn to read first but by late August I was up to speed.

There's an interesting section on qualifications for being a best man…….I'd like to share it……

‘To qualify for the post of best man the successful applicant will be sober (drink pint – cheers), level headed, punctual, organized, of harmonious disposition, tactful, witty and decisive’

‘If you can fulfill all these qualifications your friend the groom will be lucky indeed to have such a model of perfection as his mentor’

On reading this I had absolutely no idea why Steve had chosen me to be his best man so I asked him….…

His reply was quite interesting!

‘I trust you not to embarrass me too much on my stag weekend or in your best mans speech’

I didn't hear that!!! What I heard was CHALLENGE!!!

We recently went to Dublin for the Stag weekend and all had a really good time………………..some more so than others………..no names mentioned …………er Graham Cowlyn, where are you Graham!!! You had a grand time didn't you!…………..… You're still the man Graham!

My partner in crime Mr Terry Holmes will now bring you an envelope for you marked exhibit A……….…

Ladies and Gentleman – please open the envelope marked Exhibit A….…

Pause

And this is Steve wearing less clothes than you would normally expect!
As you can see it was a full moon in Dublin that night!

It's Louise I feel most sorry for…………I have seen the wedding tackle…..Steve is a very very big man. I'll put it this way if he ever loses his job he has an alternative career as cricket stumps……….…

I think Steve has squirmed enough so I'll give him a rest………….…

I would just like to read a couple of the cards

Lou's Grandparents.
Claire Jackson's

I should point out that Claire has lived in England happily for 25 years, over the last 5 months she has been going out with the gentleman on that table, the one with the blue shirt and the ridiculous tie…I find it quite funny that after being happy here for 25 years she go's out with him for 5 months and then feels the need to emigrate to a new continent!!

My Card

Love from Steve and Chantelle………..Oh Chantelle – I tried to hire her for the day but I couldn't afford her so I have to make do with Laura for the evening bash!

Thanks for listening to me today but before I finish I want to say a couple of extra things about the happy couple….…

I have known Steve for 8 years now and Louise for 5 and I consider myself very lucky to have them as 2 of my best friends, It is and has been a great honor and a privilege to be best man today.

Steve & Lou are both really really lovely people, their kind, their fun, their genuine and there always an absolute pleasure to be around, I can't find enough nice things to say about them……..…

So ladies and gentleman, please be upstanding and join me in a toast to the bride and groom on this very special day.

To the Bride and Groom……………..…