Speech by Stephen Seamen

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stephen Seamen
Speech Date: Jul 2001
LADIES & GENTLEMEN, I'M SURE YOU'LL ALL JOIN ME IN THANKING OUR BEAUTIFUL BRIDESMAIDS, ZOE AND JADE FOR DOING SUCH A WONDERFUL JOB TODAY.

NOW, BEFORE I START, I'VE BEEN ASKED TO MAKE A COUPLE OF ANNOUNCEMENTS.

FIRSTLY, THE HOST AND HOSTESS HAVE ASKED ME TO REQUEST THAT, FOR REASONS OF HEALTH AND SAFETY, NONE OF YOU GET UP ON TOP OF THE CHAIRS AND TABLES DURING MY STANDING OVATION.

AND SECONDLY – FOLLOWING THE SPEECHES, GARY'S BROTHER, NORMAN, WILL BE SINGING US THAT LOVELY OLD STANDARD, "I'M DANCING TONIGHT WITH TEARS IN MY EYES, ‘COS THE GIRL IN MY ARMS IS A BOY".

BUT FIRST IT'S TIME FOR ME TO MAKE A SPEECH, AND FRANKLY THERE'S NOT A WHOLE LOT YOU CAN DO ABOUT THAT.

I RECENTLY HEARD THE ROLE OF BEST MAN DESCRIBED AS BEING A LOT LIKE AN INVITATION TO MAKE LOVE TO THE QUEEN MOTHER… IT'S AN ENORMOUS HONOUR… BUT NOBODY ESPECIALLY WANTS TO DO IT.

NEVER MIND.

I'VE KNOWN THE BRIDE GROOM FOR MANY YEARS, AND EVEN SHARED A HOUSE WITH THE HERBERT FOR A COUPLE OF THEM. WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT GARY..? ENLIGHTENED THINKER, GIFTED ATHLETE, CUNNING LINGUIST… NOBEL PRIZE WINNING SHED BUILDER… AN EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHES MAKE UP THIS MAN.

AND HE'S UNPREDICTABLE, TOO. JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'VE BEGUN TO FIGURE OUT WHAT MAKES HIM TICK… HE BEGINS TO TOCK.

GARY'S HOUSE WAS NOT A PARTICULARLY HYGIENIC PLACE TO LIVE. WASHING UP WAS STUDIOUSLY AVOIDED BY THE BOTH OF US WITH THE CONSEQUENCE THAT BREAKFAST CEREAL WAS VERY OFTEN CONSUMED OUT OF A SAUCEPAN WITH A SOUP LADLE. I'M SURE YOU'VE ALL HEARD OF THE DISH WHO RAN AWAY WITH THE SPOON – WELL, THIS WAS THE ACTUAL KITCHEN THEY WERE ESCAPING FROM. WE EVEN RIGGED THE FRIDGE LIGHT NOT TO COME ON WHEN THE DOOR OPENED, SO AS NOT TO WAKE ANYTHING
UP IN THERE. IT WAS A HOUSE OF HEROIC FLATULENCE, OF BIZARRE, UNSAVOURY DOGS, AND HOMEMADE BEER SO BAD THAT EVEN WE WOULDN'T DRINK IT.

WHICH IS SAYING SOMETHING FOR, AS I'M SURE MANY OF YOU WILL BE AWARE, GARY IS NOT AT ALL AVERSE TO THE ODD DRINKIE. TO GIVE THE REST OF YOU SOME IDEA THOUGH, LAST NIGHT I WATCHED HIM FISH A MOSQUITO OUT OF HIS PINT GLASS. INSTEAD OF TOSSING IT AWAY, HE HELD THE POOR THING OVER HIS DRINK SCREAMING, "SPIT IT OUT, DAMN YOU! SPIT IT OUT!"

I UNDERSTAND THAT DURING HIS TRAINING DAYS AT PETERBOROUGH, THE LANDLORD AT HIS LOCAL SOMETIMES USED TO OPEN THE DOORS IN THE MORNING TO FIND TWO PINK ELEPHANTS AND A GOLD LAME HIPPOPOTAMUS QUEUED UP OUTSIDE, AND WOULD HAVE TO TELL THEM – "SORRY LADS, HE'S NOT IN YET".

AND I'LL NEVER FORGET THE TIME HE DROPPED A FULL BOTTLE OF SCOTCH ON THE FLOOR. I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MANY SPLINTERS IN A MAN'S TONGUE.

OK, SO GARY'S A DRINKER. BUT HE'S A HAPPY DRINKER. ALWAYS LAUGHING AND SHAKING HANDS. OFTEN BY HIMSELF, ADMITTEDLY.

BUT I WOULDN'T WANT ANYONE TO DRAW THE WRONG IDEA ABOUT HIM. GARY HAS ALWAYS KNOWN HIS LIMIT, AND HE NEVER OVER INDULGES. I KNOW THOSE OF YOU WHO'VE SEEN HIS WAISTLINE MAY WELL BEG TO DIFFER, BUT PLEASE, I DO ASSURE YOU – THAT REALLY ISN'T GARY'S STOMACH – HE'S JUST GOT AN EXTREMELY LOW CHEST.

IN ACTUAL FACT, HE USED TO BE IN MUCH WORSE CONDITION THAN THIS. ONCE, HE GOT SO FAT HIS BELLY-BUTTON UNRAVELLED ITSELF.

BUT IT'S NOT AS IF HE HASN'T TRIED TO GET INTO SHAPE. FOR YEARS, I REMEMBER, HE USED TO DO FIFTY PUSH UPS EVERY DAY. OK, THAT WASN'T INTENTIONAL – HE JUST FELL DOWN A LOT. BUT THE WILL WAS THERE.

AND NOW, TODAY YOU SEE BEFORE YOU THE THIN MAN WHO HAD BEEN FIGHTING TO GET OUT OF HIM ALL THIS TIME… ALL RIGHT, MAL! GOOD TO SEE YOU MATE.

JENNY I MET TWO SUMMERS AGO, AND IT BECAME IMMEDIATELY CLEAR TO ME THAT HERE WAS A WOMAN OF UNCOMMON NERVE AND FORTITUDE. YOU'LL ALL OF YOU BE FAMILIAR WITH JENNY'S MANY VIRTUES. HER QUICK MIND, HER SUNNY DISPOSITION, HER GREAT LOVE FOR DUMB ANIMALS… NO SPECIAL PRIZES FOR GUESSING THE MAIN BENEFICIARY OF THAT LAST ONE.

HONESTLY, I'VE GOT A HORRIBLE FEELING GARY'S TRICKED JENNY INTO THIS MARRIAGE. I THINK HE'S TOLD HER HE'S PREGNANT.

HOWEVER… MARRIED THEY ARE, AND SO I THOUGHT I'D JUST TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY TO OFFER SOME ADVICE TO THE HAPPY COUPLE. INCIDENTALLY, FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW, I'M NOT ACTUALLY MARRIED MYSELF. I JUST LOOK THIS WAY BECAUSE I'VE BEEN ILL RECENTLY.

MARRIAGE IS A GREAT UNIVERSITY. IT TEACHES YOU PATIENCE, CONSIDERATION, AND UNDERSTANDING… AND ALL SORTS OF CRAP YOU WOULDN'T NEED IF YOU JUST STAYED SINGLE.

THERE ARE CERTAIN PRECEPTS WHICH MUST NEVERTHELESS BE OBSERVED. FOR INSTANCE – NEVER, ON ANY ACCOUNT, GO TO BED ANGRY WITH EACH OTHER – STAY UP AND FIGHT!

AND WHEN FINALLY, ONE DAY, YOU DO HEAR THE PITTER-PATTER OF TINY GREENWALDS – JENNY, PLEASE DO ME A FAVOUR AND LET HIM KNOW THAT ALL NEW BORN BABIES ARE WRINKLED… AND TELL HIM BEFORE HE TRIES TO IRON THE POOR LITTLE BEGGAR.

GARY, FOR YOUR PART, YOU NEED TO GUARD AGAINST COMPLACENCY. KEEP A LOOK OUT FOR THOSE LITTLE TELL-TALE SIGNS OF TROUBLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP… LIKE IF YOU SEE THE MILKMAN WEARING YOUR SOCKS…

TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST THOUGH, I'VE GOT NO GENUINE CONCERNS ON THIS SCORE, BECAUSE IN ALL SERIOUSNESS GARY AND JENNY MAKE AN ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT COUPLE. YOU OFTEN HEAR AS A TERM OF ABUSE THAT SUCH AND SUCH A PAIR DESERVE EACH OTHER. WELL, IN THIS INSTANCE YOU COULDN'T HOPE TO PAY A BIGGER COMPLIMENT. GARY AND JENNY REALLY DO DESERVE EACH OTHER. THEY EACH SHARE A NATURAL EXUBERANCE OF PERSONALITY, AS WELL AS EXTREME GENEROSITY OF SPIRIT… BASICALLY, THEY'RE JUST RIDICULOUSLY NICE PEOPLE… AND DOESN'T IT JUST MAKE YOU SICK!

TO ROUND UP THEN, I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR ATTENTION, AND LET ME JUST SAY THAT IF YOU'VE ENJOYED LISTENING TO THIS SPEECH AS MUCH AS I ENJOYED MAKING IT, THEN ALL I CAN DO IS APOLOGISE MOST SINCERELY.

I'LL END HERE BY PROPOSING A TOAST TO THE HAPPY COUPLE – TO GARY AND JENNY… MAY THE BEST OF YOUR PAST BE THE WORST OF YOUR FUTURE – CHEERS!