Speech by Stephen Seamen

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stephen Seamen
Speech Date: Aug 2001
FIRST OF ALL IT IS MY PLEASANT DUTY TO THANK MATTHEW ON BEHALF OF THE BRIDESMAIDS, JO & LOUISE, FOR HIS KIND WORDS. THEY HAVE INDEED DONE A WONDERFUL JOB TODAY, AND I'M SURE YOU'LL ALL AGREE, THEY BOTH LOOK LOVELY.

I'D ALSO LIKE TO THANK ANOTHER COUPLE OF PEOPLE WITHOUT WHOM TODAY'S CELEBRATIONS SIMPLY COULD NOT HAVE TAKEN PLACE, AND FOR WHO'S ATTENTIVENESS AND VIGILANCE I AM PERSONALLY INDEBTED… (RAISE GLASS) TO THE BAR STAFF!

NOW THEN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… FORNICATION! (PAUSE, LOOK DOWN AT PAPER) NO, THAT'S NOT RIGHT… I'M TERRIBLY SORRY… FOR AN OCCASION AS HAPPY AS THAT WHICH WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY TO CELEBRATE, YOU WOULD AGREE, I'M SURE, THAT THE VERY LAST THING EVERYONE NEEDS IS FOR THE ENTIRE DAY TO BE RUINED BY ONE MAN'S BIZARRE AND FOUL-MOUTHED RANT.

ALL OF WHICH LEAVES ME SOMEWHAT AT A LOSS TO FIND MYSELF STOOD UP HERE BEFORE YOU ALL IN THE CAPACITY OF MATTHEW'S BEST MAN. MAT HAS KNOWN ME FOR THE ENTIRE TWENTY SIX YEARS LEADING UP TO WHAT, BECK WAS ONLY MOMENTS AGO INFORMING HIM, IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF HIS LIFE, AND QUITE CLEARLY, HE JUST HASN'T BEEN PAYING ATTENTION.

ARE THERE ANY FINAL REQUESTS, MAT? (PAUSE) THEN LET US BEGIN…

MATTHEW JAMES SEAMAN CAME INTO THIS WORLD ON JULY 11TH, 1975, AND WHEN HE WAS BORN THEY THREW AWAY THE MOULD. NOW, ADMITTEDLY SOME OF IT HAS GROWN BACK SINCE THEN. BUT HE HAS NEVERTHELESS DEVELOPED INTO A STIRLING YOUNG MAN. A LITTLE ON THE SCRAWNY SIDE, I'LL GRANT YOU. I HAPPEN TO KNOW, THERE'S A SCURRILOUS RUMOUR CIRCULATING THAT MAT MADE THE JOURNEY UP HERE TODAY BY FAX!

BUT I'D LIKE TO REFUTE THAT CLAIM, ALONG WITH BECK'S FRANKLY RATHER DISLOYAL ASSERTION THAT MY BROTHER IS SO SKINNY, HE HAS TO RUN AROUND IN THE SHOWER IN ORDER TO GET WET. IN FACT HE'S SO SKINNY SHE TELLS ME, THAT ONCE HE EVEN FELL OFF THE SIDE OF THE BED THAT WAS UP AGAINST THE WALL. NONE OF WHICH I CAN BELIEVE FOR A SECOND. AND AS FOR THE CHARGE THAT MAT'S A BIT OF A SHORT ARSE TOO, WELL, I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT DIGNIFIES A RESPONSE. ALTHOUGH IT IS OF COURSE TRUE THAT YOU CAN SEE HIS FEET ON HIS PASSPORT PHOTOGRAPH.

HOWEVER, AS MATTHEW WILL SURELY TELL YOU HIMSELF, THE LAD BOASTS AN UNTOLD, WIRY STRENGTH WHICH MANY A MAN HAS UNDERESTIMATED TO HIS COST.

I REMEMBER ONE PARTICULAR SUMMER WHEN MAT RETURNED FROM A CRICKET TOUR IN NOTTINGHAM WITH ONE IMMENSE BLACK EYE AND LIPS LIKE A HAEMORRHOID DOUGHNUT. APPARENTLY HE'D BEEN ENGAGED IN A NIGHTCLUB ALTERCATION, ALTHOUGH TO BE FAIR, MAT WAS QUITE SANGUINE ABOUT THE WHOLE EPISODE. "YOU THINK MY FACE LOOKS BAD?" HE'D SMIRK AFTERWARDS, "YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE OTHER GUY'S KNUCKLES. CUT TO RIBBONS, THEY WERE!"

MATTY'S A LOVER THOUGH, NOT A FIGHTER, AS ANYONE WHO HAS SEEN HIM FIGHT WILL SURELY CONCUR.

WITH HIS WILD CRICKETING DAYS BEHIND HIM, HE SET OFF FOR UNIVERSITY WITH A DREAM OF ATTAINING SCHOLASTIC EXCELLENCE AS WELL AS DRINKING AS MUCH BEER AS HE POSSIBLY COULD.

NOW, ONE OF THESE DREAMS HELD SLIGHTLY GREATER SWAY THAN THE OTHER, AND I'LL LEAVE YOU ALL TO GUESS WHICH ONE THAT MIGHT BE.

I WILL JUST NOTE THAT MAT JUSTIFIED TO ME THE EXCEPTIONALLY LONG HOURS HE USED TO SPEND IN THE STUDENT BAR AT SURREY UNIVERSITY AS BEING DUE TO A PART TIME JOB HE HELD. HE TELLS ME THEY USED TO PAY HIM TO STAND AROUND IN THERE. APPARENTLY THEY FELT HE MADE THE DRINKS LOOK BIGGER.

SUFFICE IT TO SAY THOUGH, ONE EVENING ABOUT MIDWAY THROUGH HIS DEGREE COURSE, MATTHEW SOMEHOW OR OTHER FOUND HIMSELF IN THE KITCHEN OF HIS ACCOMMODATION BLOCK IN WHAT I SHALL MERELY DESCRIBE AS AN ADVANCED STATE OF REFRESHMENT – SURROUNDED BY FELLOW STUDENTS, AMONGST WHOM WAS THE LOVELY REBECCA.

MATTHEW WAS, HE TELLS ME, IMMEDIATELY SMITTEN. HE WIPED HIS MOUTH, RAN A COMB THROUGH HIS HAIR, TUCKED HIS SHIRT IN HIS UNDERPANTS AND MOONWALKED OVER TO HER. ALAS, MAT'S SILVER TONGUE HAD DESERTED HIM AT THIS STAGE, AND I BELIEVE HIS OPENING REMARK WAS ALONG THE LINES OF "HELLO LUV, ARE YOU WEARING ANY KNICKERS?". WHEN BECK REPLIED THAT YES SHE MOST DEFINITELY WAS, THE YOUNG PUP GLANCED AT HIS WRIST AND MUTTERED, "OH, I'M SORRY. MY WATCH APPEARS TO BE THIRTY MINUTES FAST." SMOOTH PABLO!

ASTONISHINGLY, THIS MASTERCLASS IN SEDUCTION WAS UNSUCCESSFUL. HOWEVER, CLEARLY OVERCOME BY PITY, BECK DID ALLOW MATTHEW TO TAKE HER FOR A DRINK SOME WEEKS LATER, AND THE REST, AS WE ALL KNOW, IS HER PROFOUND MISFORTUNE.

NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I MUST CONFESS I'VE NEVER BEEN MARRIED MYSELF, ALTHOUGH I DO THINK I MIGHT HAVE SOME IDEA OF WHAT IT MUST BE LIKE… I TRIED TO LEAVE A BOOK CLUB ONCE.

HOWEVER, I ONCE HEARD MARRIAGE DESCRIBED AS BEING NATURE'S WAY OF STOPPING PEOPLE FROM FIGHTING WITH STRANGERS… AND THAT TO ME SEEMS A TERRIBLY CYNICAL VIEW. PERSONALLY, I FAR PREFER THE WINE ANALOGY, WHICH, IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD IT, GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS… BECK, A MAN – OR TO BE MORE PRECISE, MATTHEW – IS VERY MUCH LIKE A GRAPE. AND IT IS NOW YOUR JOB TO STAMP ON HIM IN THE DARK UNTIL HE STARTS TO RESEMBLE SOMETHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE DINNER WITH. MATTHEW, FOR YOUR PART, WOMEN TOO ARE ALSO LIKE A FINE WINE. THEY BEGIN LIFE FRUITY AND INTOXICATING, GROW FULL- BODIED WITH AGE, THEN GO ALL SOUR AND VINEGARY, EVENTUALLY LEAVING YOU WITH A HEADACHE.

THERE ARE OTHER MATTERS TO BE TAKEN INTO CONSIDERATION, OBVIOUSLY. FOR EXAMPLE, SHOULD A COUPLE EMBARKING UPON A MARRIAGE BE FRANK AND EARNEST, OR SHOULD ONE OF THEM PERHAPS BE A WOMAN.

THEN, OF COURSE, THERE'S THE SUBJECT OF CHILDREN. I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT BOTH MAT AND BECK WOULD LIKE TO HAVE BABIES WHILE THEY'RE YOUNG. VERY SENSIBLE IF YOU ASK ME. I MEAN, BE HONEST – WHO THE HELL WANTS OLD BABIES?

IN ALL SERIOUSNESS THOUGH, IT'S BEEN A GREAT HONOUR BEING MY BROTHER'S BEST MAN TODAY. MAT AND BECK MAKE AN EXCEPTIONAL COUPLE, AND THEY COMPLIMENT EACH OTHER A TREAT. BECK'S AN ABSOLUTE PEACH OF A GIRL. AND MAT, AS WE ALL KNOW IS A BIT OF A PLUM. HE'S ALSO ONE OF THE NICEST PEOPLE YOU COULD EVER HOPE TO MEET, WHICH, OF COURSE, IS ANOTHER THING HE AND HIS NEW BRIDE HAVE IN COMMON.

SO NOW I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST. IF YOU'D ALL PLEASE LIKE TO STAND AND JOIN ME – TO MAT AND BECK:

MAY YOUR TROUBLES BE LESS
AND YOUR BLESSINGS BE MORE
AND NOTHING BUT HAPPINESS
COME THROUGH YOUR DOOR.

CHEERS!