Speech by Stephen Webb

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Stephen Webb
Speech Date: Aug2005
Ladies and Gentlemen:
My name is Stephen and as jasons best man ive been asked to write a small speech to let those who don't know him to well find out a little about him produce huge stack of cards or paper but jason has pleaded with me that as this is a family event and to leave out the bits that may not be suitable for children or may cause extreme embarrassment. Get rid of most the papers
It has been said that being Best Man is like making love to the Queen: it's a great honour, but no one wants to do it! Even so, I agreed to be jason's Best Man, and I'm sure you'll agree that my first duty of getting jason to the church, sober and on time was a complete success.
Before I continue with jason's character assassination, I would like to thank jo mandy and robyn the beautiful Brides Maids for performing their duties so well throughout the day im sure that for everbody its been emotional … even the cake is in tiers.!!!
While I was trying to write this speech, I was looking in one of the guides you get about being a best man, and it had a little checklist of things to do. Apparently, I have to:
1 Help the groom dress @ he should really know by now.
2 Make sure the groom uses the toilet @ I'll send him in there, but I'm not making sure.
3 Ensure the groom's face and hair are in order @ Well, God didn't do it right the first time around, so I've got no hope.
4 Make sure his flys are done up @ at this point I'm thinking that perhaps his mum should have been best man –
So, starting from the beginning, Jason was born on 14th january 198*, I did try to link this with some big world event, but it seems that nothing else happened that day, so I thought I'd best ask barbra if I could borrow some embarrassing pictures that she might have, to which she replied &quotOh do you want one where he's showing his Willie&quot? But, I'm sorry jason, no company in the UK could blow the picture up, so that you could actually see anything.

SCHOOL YEARs
Unfortunately I didn't keep track of Jason and his school years, but I'm reliably told that he was an ideal pupil, who excelled at most subjects.
Sorry that should read:
“he was an idle pupil, who was expelled from most subjects”!!!!!!
JOBS
after he left school he decided to learn to cook so obviously he signed up for a job with a big catering company mcdonalds in fact he loved that job so much that he still dreams of it and can often be heard taking an order in his sleep for quarter deluxe and fries.

After that Jason went to see his carers advisor who said he'd go to great heights and would progress up the career ladder fast something he took quite literally as he can now be found climbing ladders everyday as a roofer

But lets move on a bit
I found out that Jackie wasn't jasons first love as his first was in about 1997 when he bought his first Sony Play station

But soon after Jason got together with Jackie and true love took it course they got engaged and Jason started the long process of preparing for married life.. installing sky, buying a pc and then an xbox.

It was evident that from the beginning I could see that Jason and jackie where going to have an on off relationship… Xbox on..… Xbox off

Jason has an eye for a bargain too… he loves shopping, walking around markets so you can imagine the joyful look on his face when Jackie got her discount card from asda

Before I make the toast, I have a few words of wisdom from friends and family I'd like to pass on. I shall not reaveal any names for fear of reprisals … from their wives..
Remember that MARRIAGE is not just one word … it is a sentence……you get less for murder!
You have exchanged your wedding rings today, but there are more than 2 rings to a marriage
…..the suffeRing,
…..the enduRing
…..and the tortuRing!
They say &quotlove is blind&quot …….but marriage is definitely an eye@opener.
Always remember to tell her those 3 little words…..… &quotYou're right dear&quot.

Ladies and gentlemen, there are obviously some very important people here today whom we all have the utmost respect for and quite honestly with whom we could not do without. At some stage this evening we will all be with them, sharing with them this special day, so if you will all stand with me I would like to make a toast to them…….The Bar Staff!!!
Seriously
I started planning this speech six weeks ago, …and you must feel like I have been delivering it equally as long, ….but now it gives me immense pleasure, ….not to mention relief, ….to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Jason and jackie, the new Mr and Mrs ******* no less.
May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.
Would you please also charge your glasses for the parents for giving us such a lovely couple.
Thank you very much and please enjoy the rest of the evening.