Speech by Steve Buckler

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steve Buckler
Speech Date: 17/04/2012 12:06:48

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Thank you all for coming here today for this very special occasion. I would like to take this opportunity to say what a fantastic day it's been, a lovely ceremony and Annie, you look absolutely stunning. Congratulations to the both of you.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Steve and I've known Ian for about 7 years, we used to share a house together here in Brighton. My main aim with what I am going to tell you today is not to embarrass or humiliate the groom, but rather to help you all get to know him just that little bit better. Although as a disclaimer, I cannot deny that a little embarrassment and humiliation may be on the cards.

One thing that some of you may not know about Ian is that he has several nicknames. In fact, I know him better as Woods because if you put him in a cowboy hat he bears an uncanny resemblance to Woody from Toy Story. But another nickname that many people in Brighton call him is Unfortunate Ian. And whilst it sounds a bit clunky, it couldn't be more apt.

A good friend of mine once told me to never let the truth get in the way of a good story but in Ian's case, the truth is often stranger than fiction.

I'm not sure when hilariously unfortunate things started to happen to him but the earliest story I know of dates back to a family holiday in France when he was just a young lad. No sooner had the family arrived at their destination Ian was off eager to explore the surrounding countryside. He didn't get far though because as he attempted to stride over the first electric cattle fence he encountered, unfortunately his testicles slipped out of the gap in his shorts and struck the wire. A pulse of 5000 volts was sent to remind him: Beware of The Electric Fence.

One of the reasons we all love Ian is that even though he professes to be a man of science, he still does some incredibly stupid things. When we were living here in Brighton with our other housemate Jake, we used to do our weekly shopping together in the big Tesco's down the road. One Monday evening we all went down there and Ian grabbed one of the small shopping trolleys. We walked into the store, and with a blatant disregard for the laws of physics Ian took three giant strides and put all of his weight onto the handle of the trolley. No doubt in his mind, he pictured himself gliding gracefully through the vegetable aisle, as he did when he was a 10 year old boy. Unfortunately, being a 6ft 4, 200 pound man; gravity put a swift end to this daft nostalgic fantasy and within a split second he was on his back on the floor staring at the ceiling. The trolley meanwhile was launched like a missile into the banana counter, sending bananas flying in all directions and narrowly missing another shopper. Had this guy been standing a few inches to the left he would have been leaving the store in an ambulance. Not unaccustomed to finding himself in the middle of embarrassingly unfortunate events, Ian got up off the floor, casually strolled over to the scene of devastation, grabbed some bananas, put them in the trolley and went on his way as though nothing had happened leaving Jake and I crying in hysterics.

Ian is one of the most generous and caring guys I know, not to mention accident prone. Sometimes his eagerness to help others can be his own undoing. Not long after the incident in Tesco's, we returned home to find Jake in pain on the sofa after spraining his ankle playing football. Ian went to sprint down the stairs to get some frozen peas for Jake's swelling foot. In what can only be described as the most ironic accident I have ever witnessed in my life, he lost his balance, took a tumble and not only did he injure the exact same ankle as Jake but unfortunately he tore his ligaments so badly that we spent the rest of the day in A&E and it took months of physiotherapy for him to recuperate.

Being the height he is, the majority of us in this room will have spent some time looking up at Ian as he talks and before he grew his beard you may have wondered how he got that large scar on his chin. Every scar tells a story but this one is a classic: A few years ago, on his birthday, Ian was on his way out of work when he clocked his colleague, Raj, heading out before him. Ever the prankster, Ian sneaked up from behind with the clear intention of frightening the living daylights out of him. Unfortunately, Raj is a black belt in judo and instinctively he grabbed Ian and threw him over his shoulder to send him sprawling down the corridor. Ian spent the rest of his birthday in A&E having his chin stitched up.

It doesn't end there ladies and gentlemen. This guy has had his shoes stolen at a party. I've seen him put his backside through a plate glass window. He's even been run over by an elderly gentleman in an invalid carriage. And there are many, many other events unfit for revelation in this forum, I'm afraid you'll have to ask him about those yourself.

So the next time you get out of bed the wrong side, stub your toe and spill coffee down your front and your day goes from bad to worse, I beseech you, ladies and gentlemen, to do what I do and take a moment to think about Ian's balls. No matter how bad your day is going, surely it can't get as shocking as that.

Now I stand here before you today, pleasantly surprised that I am making a speech at Ian's wedding and not in honour of his Darwin Award. I believe I can thank Annie for that. When I first met Annie a few years ago and I saw the two of them together I knew they were perfect for each other. Her calming and positive influence has clearly helped to keep Ian out of harm's way these past few years and I hope for the rest of his very long life. However, I must express my deep concern at your plans to purchase a tandem bicycle, please promise me that your Life Insurance policies are up to date.

Ian, as well as being superb fun over the years, I can honestly say you are one of the best guys I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and I can't tell you how happy it makes me that you've made it this far alive and without serious injury.

Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses with me to wish Ian and Annie every happiness for the future and maybe one day we'll even hear the patter of tiny feet, if the electric fence didn't do too much damage.

To Mr. and Mrs. Martin.