Speech by Steve Burton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steve Burton
Speech Date: Jun2004
Thank you Bob and Good Afternoon everyone.

Before I begin, please allow me to be one of the first to ‘officially’ congratulate my brother Nigel and my new sister-in-law Debbie. PAUSE I'd also like to thank them both for offering me the privilege of being the Best Man today – it's a great honour and I was really very touched when Nigel asked me.

It's truly been a fabulous day so far in a superb venue. In fact, since arriving at Kilworth House this is not the first time I've got off a warm seat with a bit of paper in my hand! I just hope this is going to be as enjoyable!

Before I begin with Nigel's character assassination, I would like to thank the Bridesmaid, -Ellie for performing her role so well today. She has cared for any Wedding day nerves Debbie may have had and has looked beautiful – well done Ellie.

Firstly, I'd like to say how good everyone looked today, the bride in White, the men in black & white, the girls in pink and me firmly in the red after paying for Mandy's outfit and £200 for one night at this place. I must add it's the smartest I've ever seen Mark – they certainly knew how the make a suit in the seventies eh Mark!

Now a few weeks ago I asked Nigel what he was looking for in Marriage – he said love, happiness & friendship. When I asked Debbie the same question, she replied a new telly, a new vinyl kitchen floor and a coffee perculator! She actually said a ‘perky copulator’ but I knew what she meant – although knowing Nigel & Debbie I may have heard right the first time!

You can't help thinking that it's funny how 30 years ago Bob & Jean used to put Debbie to bed with a dummy and here they are doing it again!

Right on with the traditional stuff. I'm supposed to stand here and praise the Groom and then talk about the joys of marriage. I'm only going to talk for a few minutes because of my throat – Debbie has said she'll cut it if I mention ex-girlfriends or boys nights out!. So here goes.

Nigel was born on 22nd April 1968, being the less attractive of the brothers, Mum didn't start getting morning sickness until after he was born! In fact, it soon became apparent that although we had the same parents and upbringing Nigel and I were (and in many respects still are) as different as ‘chalk and cheese’. Nigel had his first erection whilst watching Pans People on Top of the Pops at the age of 4 and pointing to his willie, asked why it had gone hard. I was still playing with scalextric at the time and thought an erection was something that supported the track over a bridge!

As you can imagine, growing up together Nigel & I are very close and we managed to get up to a fair amount of mischief over the years. Although I've never forgiven him for ‘snitching’ to Mum about me having cigarette and me getting a roasting and then he ends up being the smoker!!

Nigel & I went to the same schools and this was where Nigel decided to start a one-man fashion campaign in hair design. I've had two hair styles in my whole life and it took some courage to achieve that. Nigel on the other hand has had dozens of various colours, styles & cuts. His long blonde hair was legendary and will remain engraved in my brain forever as will his constant moaning at me to grow my hair or change it's style. How fitting that he chose to marry a hairdresser! He had an inexhaustible ability to spend hours in his bedroom designing his latest outfit for a night down at “The Bare Cage” or “xxxx” and as for the navel piercing – best not mentioned after such a lovely meal.

In his teenage years, Nigel discovered alcohol and a new tipple called ‘rum’ Who can forget the police bringing him home after a rum tasting evening in Thurnby during which the village Post Office suffered it's worst case of village vandalism in decades. Don't worry Nigel, I think the Post Master has bought some new fairy lights now since you ripped them down in front of the local constabulary!

Now I moved house nearly 18 months ago, just before Nigel started seeing Debbie in actual fact. One evening Nigel came round to help me lay a new patio. He mentioned that he was seeing a new girl called Debbie. “Is she alright” I asked. “Yes” he replied, “I'm going to marry her”. “But, you've only known her 2 weeks Nigel – slow down” “No” he said, “she's the one, I just know it”. I hadn't met Debbie at that time and thought he was crazy. He proved me wrong and after meeting Debbie and getting to know her, I now know he was right that evening. They were made for each other. Debbie is attractive, great fun and caring. He's chosen someone he'll be happy with for the rest of their lives, of that I'm sure.

Before I finish, as a married man of nearly 13 years, I feel justified to offer some pieces of advice to the Bridge & Groom as they start their married life together.