Speech by Steve Butler

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steve Butler
Speech Date: Oct 2001
I wouldnt say that I was particularly nervous about this speech, today this
is not the first time today that Ive stood up from a warm seat with a piece
of paper in my hand.

They say that being asked to the best man is like getting intimate with the
Queen Mum, It's a great honour but you really don't want to d0 it !!!
but at least by going last I get to see what the competition is like.

Firstly I would like to say a few thank yous On behalf of the lovely
bridesmaids, Jack, Jemma and Lauren, also Ryan the page boy, I would like
to thank Andy for his kind words. I'm sure you'll all agree that the girls
look stunning and did a great job of getting Dianne to the church this
afternoon.
As for the happy couple, I'm sure you'll agree Dianne absolutely stunning
today. in such a fabulous dress.
Andy, scrubbed up nicely too. Surprising what bar of soap can do
though I am not too pleased about you copying my outfit.

And what a charming church it was. I don't think you could have chosen a
better setting, or such an entertaining priest. I was chatting to the priest
just before the service when we were waiting for Diane I asked him of his
thoughts about sex before marriage.… He said he had no problems
whatsoever, provided it didn't hold up the ceremony.
Now before I start I know that its taken some time for Andy to get to this
moment in his life a lot of water has passed under the bridge but can I
explain to all you ladies out there, that my little chum is spoken for,
during the speech I've asked the ushers to hand round a bucket to collect
any of Andy's house keys or indeed any memorabilia you may have .Now don't
be shy I've checked with Diane about it and she's happy for me to do this. (
Usher collects some house keys from 5 female guests the chief bridemaid also
hands in a set of handuffs)
When Andy asked me to be his best man I was obviously flattered, my first
task was to buy one of those books explaining what I should do today
"The best man's checklist" but I wasn't too happy about some of the things
I was expected to do:
1. “bring some cash for payments that the groom may have forgotten” well,
we are talking Andy here, so I have got about £1000 on me.
2. I should have helped the groom dress – well, thanks very much,…… if
he cannot dress himself by now……

3.Ensure that the groom: uses the toilet- well again I refuse,make sure his
shoes are tied;his face and hair are ‘in order’ – well if god did not put
them in order the first time around what hope do I stand Nothing is between
his teeth – or should that be his ears. And that his trouser fly is done
up……
4. See that angry ex-girlfriends are kept at bay….… again from my
experience most of them will be anything but angry…… And they are
probably out celebrating.
The one thing I did do well was to make sure he got to the church and all
has gone well so far..
Well I had to do a little research to give you an insight into Andy.
he was born on 16th May 1970 , Andy was born into this world. That makes him
a star sign: Tauruss – the Bull.
Now, a little reading up of the star charts reveals the young Bull to be
adventurous, ambitious and enthusiastic and not a lot of people know but
also the Ram is careful with his money.

Now I'm not her to slate my little chum but it would be rude not to. Anyone
who knows Andy would I'm sure agree that he is careful with his money some
would be unkind and suggest he may be tight.

Not many people now this but last week Di had her credit card
nicked…..Andy decided not to report it to the police coz who ever nicked
it is spending less than her !!
I could tell the time he was learning to fly an aeroplane, you pay from the
moment the engine starts until its turned off, Well Andy begrudgingly
started the beast and flew his solo mission to Humberside airport excellent…
he then took off from there and flew to Leeds Bradford, but oh no he
couldn't waste 30 pence by waiting for clearance from the air traffic
control he had to be impatient thinking of that valuable money being
wasted as he stood on the runway, he got bored and just took off causing a
near miss with a boeing 737. Although he failed his Private Pilots licence
he did save £ 1. 50 in aviation fuel.

Or

I could tell you about the time when Andy opened up a telephone bill now
normally the bill is about 57 p a quarter, mainly because he reverses the
charges to everyone, on this occasion he was
horrified that on one call alone it cost £25 he was outraged, he asked
Dianne to make enquires with the company and explain that nobody else had
succeeded in taking such an amount from him in the past, they weren't going
to be the first. Unfortunately Diane was asked on the telephone if she lived
with a male, a strange question, why asked Diane. Well the phone bill
related to a charge made by one of special Internet sites, which somebody
had been accessed at 2.30 in
the morning whilst Diane was at work. A site, which I don't understand, but
obviously Andy had failed to reap the benefits from.
Or indeed the time when we had only just joined the Police Andy went AWOL
when we should have been on days at work, a massive search was made
including using the force helicopter we had traffic cars looking for him,
but after a day searching he strolled back into work and coughed that heed
been to the motor show in Birmingham, he didn't think it was important to
ask anybody for the day off,

Well that's all I've got to say about Andy if I can just read a few cards.
Read some Cards
hurry up back from your honeymoon,coz we all miss you so much…..from
macdonalds Doncaster
talking of the honeymoon. i dont know if you all know,but steve came up with
this story that he had to cancell his honeymoon in sri lanka, because of
terrorist bombings…i know the real reason..he cancelled it himself…he
found out last week that sri lanka is one of the only countrys that doesnt
have a macdonalds !!

There are obviously a couple of very important people here today whom we all
have the utmost respect for and with whom we could not do without. At some
stage in the evening I'm sure we will all be sharing with them our thoughts
from this special day and giving them our love and best wishes so I would
like to propose a toast to:
The bar Staff
No not really – please all raise your glasses for the new Mr & Mrs
Heptonstall – Andy & Di