Speech by Steve C

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steve C
Speech Date: oct 2004
INTRO
For those of you who don't know me; I'm Steve the Best Man, Neal's younger and more handsome brother.
Well I must say that I am very nervous about making this speech. ……..In fact this is the fifth time today that I have got off a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.
Well you can't deny it's been an emotional day though……….even the cake's in tiers!
Its fitting that the bride and groom on the cake are Mickey and Minnie Mouse. For those not sure why, just take a look at Neals ears.
Anyone who already knows Neal & I, will know that I'm normally the shy, quiet one that doesn't have many stories or jokes.
Today, it seems we've swapped roles -its my job to tell some embarrassing stories about Neal and generally insult and ridicule him while he forks out for your dinner.

NEAL
So what can I tell you about my big brother Neal………
Growing up, Neal was never the sharpest tool in the box.
Aged 10 he went carol singing in August with a tape recorder playing a selection of Xmas classics…….…
As many young lads do, Neal and a friend built a den. Not in a tree, but in the eaves of a motorway bridge over the A1…….…
By the time he was 14, Mum & Dad were getting very concerned about his performance at school – he wasn't just falling behind, he was getting lapped !
But the best was when he was accused of urinating through the letter box of a local shop. Quite a compliment really for one so young ……the letter box was at the base of the door !

I'd like to claim some part to Neal's first job in business travel. We both used to play football in our younger years for competing sides. On the Sunday before his job interview, our teams clashed in a pre-season ‘friendly’. Things soon changed when my side went 1-0 up.
Part way through the second half I remember sliding for a 50/50 ball, hearing the clash of shin pads. Getting up, I turned to see Neal writhing in agony on the ground.
I like to think he played the sympathy vote quite well as he arrived at his interview on crutches the following day and got the job.
But it must have been a bad sprain – it took him 15 years to leave.
The good news is that Neal & Wendy met during this time, so time very well spent.

He's recently taken his career in a new direction, working for Toyota in XXXXXXXXXX.
After a promising first month he's comfortably settling into his new job, taking every opportunity to clinch a sale…..…
Apparently you can get a brand new limited edition Toyota Yaris, with three metallic blue paint finishes….…
The 1.3 versions ride on eight-spoke alloy wheels, while the 1.0 models are fitted with exclusively-designed wheel trims….…
The bumpers and door mirrors are colour-keyed and a chrome finisher on the tailpipe adds a distinctive touch, I'm sure you'll agree………
All for just £177 a month………there are some brochures on the bar…..…
<turn and take £5 off Neal>

The Bride
And now a little bit about the Bride.
I've been told I cant mention anything about ex-boyfriends, body wraps or the tattoo on her bum…….so I wont.
A natural part of my research for this section of the speech was to reach for the thesaurus and look up the word ‘lovely’.
And there I found four words to describe Wendy perfectly: beautiful, loving, delightful..… and half a lager.
She's known to be neat and tidy, always clearing up any clutter or mess around the house (normally caused by Neal)
She used this skill to good effect on the morning after her Hen Night whilst on a trip to the coast for some fresh air with Neal and Millie.
The clever use of carrier bags from Tesco, M&S, Next and Oriflame prevented any of the previous nights excesses from soiling the interior of the Toyota demonstrator……I believe the car recently sold….much to Neal's relief..…

Advice
… and now some final words of advice for the Bride and Groom.

Wendy: always remember that men are like fine wine – they start out like grapes and its your job to stamp on them until they mature into something that you'd like to have dinner with.
On the other hand, Neal, women are also like a fine wine. They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating for the mind. And then turn full-bodied until they go sour and vinegary…………Then they give you a headache.

CARDS
To Neal – I hope your marriage is blessed with luck, and trust that Wendy is a very good ……..cook – Darren & Lesley

To Neal – I'll miss our nights together at the pool. All the best – Michael Barrymore.

The TOAST
Anyway, enough of the cheap shots. On a serious note..…

Today is about the happy couple, and we can all clearly see how happy Neal & Wendy make each other.
I know they're both enjoying parenthood more than they ever imagined, and I have to say they're making a very good job of it with their beautiful daughter ………aren't they Mille….?

A wise man once said :-
You don't marry someone you can live with – you marry the person who you cannot live without.
I think that's true for Neal & Wendy.
So it gives me great pleasure and indeed a fair share of relief to invite you all to be upstanding and join me in a toast.
May your love be modern enough to survive the times; yet old fashioned enough to last forever!

Ladies and Gentleman – To the new Mr and Mrs XXXXXXXX, the bride and groom.