Speech by Steve Collingwood

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steve Collingwood
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, my name is Steve Collingwood, and I'm
the best man for today.
When Paul first asked me to be the Best Man, I told him that I was deeply
honoured, but unfortunately I didn't think that I was the right person for
the job.
Paul said to me ‘How about £20′. I said ‘Paul, I can't be bought’.
Paul then said to me ‘How about £20 and a pint of Guiness’…..(Pause)…..Good afternoon ladies and gentleman my name is Steve Collingwood and I am the Best Man for today.…

In fact I don't know why Paul chose me as best man at all, because I know
just about all the dirt there is on him.
Then Lee explained to me that if I mention anything about ex boyfriends or
girlfriends – I would be in big trouble.

This has restricted my material somewhat – So I won't mention Scott, Ross or Andrew or she'll kill me.
She also said if I mentioned anything about the sunbeds, facials, body wraps & the new tattoo on her bum she wouldn't be too happy either – so I won't.

Seriously though, today is all about the happy couple.
Lee looks stunning today….and Paul Well its good to see they knew how to make a suit in the 80’s.…

I've now known Lee some 9 years now and can honestly say Paul, you've found someone who is beautiful, charming, funny, and a great friend to many.

However – it's funny how history repeats itself. Only 30 years ago Dave &
Pam were sending Lee to bed with a dummy – and here we go again today……

The bestman as you all probably know has several duties,
1. On the night before the wedding, make sure the Groom is well looked after and gets a good nights sleep.
I am proud to be able to report that Paul slept like a baby last night.… He had about four hours sleep, but kept waking every thirty minutes, crying for his mum.

2. Make sure all of the Grooms ex-girlfriends are kept at bay.
One of my easier tasks that one.… as since the advent of foot and mouth,
most of them have been culled.

3. Ensure the Groom arrives on time for the wedding service.…

4. And finally, watching out for the groom on the stag do….which was in
Palma, Majorca…where 12 of us initiated our own Elvis revival party – a very funny weekend !

So what else do we know about Paul?
He has been a good friend to me over the years, one of those mates you keep through thick & thin no matter how your lives change.
In fact, I've known Paul since we were small children and believe me ladies and gentleman, he wasn't always been the hairy, blue eyed Adonis we see here today.
Apparently when he was born he was so ugly, the midwife slapped his
parents….…

Paul's training and diet is a strict and punishing regime.…
He is able to mix beers, wines and spirits with considerable ease and
constantly puts many of his peers to shame.
In terms of refuelling, Paul's idea of a balanced diet is to have his chips in one hand and a doner kebab in the other. Naturally the ketchup he keeps in the middle – mostly down his shirt…… from where he can dip his doner meat at his leisure……….both clever and very witty I'm sure you will agree.

He was a quiet child, often content to sit for hours with some paper and
crayons. By the age of 13, somebody told him you could earn a living getting paid for colouring in, and so he decided his future lay in Graphics.

School
At school, as a young boy he showed many traits which he still possesses now
– looking up girls skirts, and unable to play football.…
Indeed the coach of the school football team once described him as ‘crap in every position’ – we all wish you better look on the honeymoon, Sir..…

He only got into trouble once though – on his first day in Comprehensive
School after accidently setting off the school fire alarms, resulting in a
full evacuation and fire brigade attendance..…
He left school suitably qualified, although apparently Paul always had a
problem distinguishing between inches and millimetres. I've heard this is
still the case..…

Girls
He was popular with the girls, and managed to negotiate his first snog with a particularly attractive girl called Susan Adair. With the deal secured, Paul suddenly realised he didn't know how to kiss.
But it was OK, as his good friend at the time, Scott Patterson stepped
forward to perform a demo first……

College Jobs
After moving down South for College, Paul had several bar jobs, followed by a short spell as Supply Chain Logistics Manager for the Dunstable branch of Pizza Hut. Such a grand title didn't pay very well, but with a colleague, it wasn't long before Paul worked out a scam that secured him about 4 times his legitimate wages.…

But for such a creative student, Paul realised there was easier money to be made elsewhere, and managed to get himself a summer job through a friend, labouring on a building site in Catterick.
This was a bit of an eye opener, especially after Paul came within 2 feet of killing himself by nearly driving a dumper truck into a six foot ditch ..…

Career
After college, Pauls first job in Graphics was at Imagination as a Junior
Designer.
It was here one day, when the girl on reception rang to say she had somebody called Steve on the phone. Paul took the call expecting it to be myself, only to find that it was an Asian chap from Tower Hamlets Borough Council chasing him for his unpaid Council Tax bill. A £1000 fine followed.…

After Imagination came 8VO, and then 4 years of running his own successful
business, Lab, leading to Cartlidge Levene today.

But How Did They Meet ?
In 1980 a slightly slimmer Paul and moustached Mark, went on holiday to
Majorca. So did Lee and Heidi.
At the infamous Chics Nightclub in Cala D'Or (a classy joint…), across a
crowded dance floor, Paul met Lee, and Heidi met Mark……
Paul and Lee hit it off immediately, unfortunately the same can't be said
for Heidi and Mark. Glad to see the tache has gone now Mark.…

Paul asked Lee if she'd like to go for a walk..…
As they wandered Lee saw a cocktail bar, and dragged Paul inside. At the bar she turned to Paul and said, ‘If you can tell me the main ingredient to a Margarieta, I'll buy you one’. Paul thought for a second and replied ‘ Cheese and Tomato’………

The beach was busy that night, for some reason, but Paul and Lee found a
quiet spot on a small jettie where they sat together and chatted until he
felt a rise…..sorry, that should be – until they saw the sun rise.…

Holidays over, it was back to college for Paul.
Some 2 years followed and Paul moved from LCP to Ravensbourne, where by
chance Lee was also studying
Three days into his new surroundings found Lee and Paul chatting.
‘Have you ever been to Majorca ?’ – asked an innocent Lee Funnel convinced
she recognised the cheeky smile.
Shortly after, Paul and Lee started going out and haven't looked back since.

The Proposal was also overseas
Paul and Lee were skiing earlier this year, where the holiday spanned
Valentines Day.
Paul suddenly realised that after 9 years of being with Lee, he could
combine the romantic day, the beautiful mountainside location and the rather favourable exchange rate …..and finally propose.

Panicked into action, he arranged with the hotel manager (whom looked and
acted very much like Basil Faulty) for 9 red roses (1 for each year) to be
delivered first thing on Valentines Day.
That morning, he made his excuses and made for reception where he pondered
whether to one knee, two knees, beg, bribe or pray. He even considered his
usual Valentines verse of :-
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sunderland 1, Newcastle 2..…
He took the safer option, and simply wrote ‘Will you marry me’ on the back
of the card.

Back at the room, Lee opened to door to a nervous Paul who thrust the
flowers towards her whilst pointing out that she'd better read the card.
That evening the happy couple invited the rest of the skiing party to their hotel for champagne in celebration, served by Basil.…

Messages/Cards
To Paul – We could have been so good together – Dale Winton
To Lee – We could have been so good together – Martina Navratilova
“I hope your marriage is blessed with luck, and trust that Lee is a very
good ………….cook.”
“Marriage is all about honour. Get on her and stay on her!”

Anyway, enough of the cheap shots. On a serious note..…

I said earlier that today is about the happy couple, and we can all clearly see how happy Paul & Lee make each other.
A wise man once said :-
You don't marry someone you can live with – you marry the person who you
cannot live without. I think that's true for Paul & Lee.

It is an absolute honour for me to be your bestman today Paul.
You now have a gorgeous wife, and I'm sure you'll make her a great husband.

You're a great friend to me, always available if anyone needs a pick-up or
just a laugh. We've had some excellent times together and I know we'll continue to do so in the future.

I'd like finish by saying:-

May your love be modern enough to survive the times; yet old fashioned
enough to last forever!

So ladies and gentlemen, I invite you to all stand and raise your glasses
in a toast to Paul & Lee, the new Mr and Mrs Winter.