Speech by Steve Collins

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steve Collins
Speech Date: Feb2006
• Intro

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, you should of guessed already I am the best man, but for those of you who don't know me personally, my name is Steve and I would like to begin by thanking you all for being here today and sharing Craig and Carlys special day with them.
I would also like to say a special thank you to Farnham Police station for releasing Craig with just a caution otherwise we would be doing this today without him.

I was actually quite surprised when Craig asked me to be his best man, I thought he'd fallen out with me and rest of my mates as we haven't seen him since he met Carly, but seeing her today looking so beautiful, I can understand why he's been hiding her away from us, well either that or he's scared we'll tell her what he's really like!

So, Craig and Carly. They've been together for just over a year and have got married already, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Craig couldn't have done any better and Carly couldn't have done any worse.

It's been a bit of a whirlwind romance for them, they met in November 2004, were engaged two months later and now married 12 months after that.

Although we all know why Craig got the job done so quickly, this way she had no time to change her mind!
Of course, most of us are just relieved that the engagement ring has been polished up for the last time.
Especially Craigs bank manager, who happens to be his dad.

Craig has certainly found a good one this time though and I think you will agree Carly looks absolutely stunning, and as for Craig he just looks stunned!
No, Craig looks the part as well, I haven't seen him look this smart since school.

• THE DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE

In order to compile my speech today I decided to do a little research into what marriage is all about to see if I could offer any advice to the new married couple.
Here's what I found:

• Marriage is not just a word – it is a sentence…a life sentence!
• There are actually 5 rings involved in marriage: Engagement ring, wedding ring,
suffering, torturing and enduring.

• It's been said that a man is incomplete until he is married.… And then he is finished!

• And Craig,remember! To keep your wife happy, always tell her those 3 important little words. "You're right dear".

• Also, Carly it's been said, Men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark, until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with.
On the other hand Craig, women are also like fine wine. They will start out fresh fruity and intoxicating to the mind. Then they turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.

• Craig

Well, what can I say about the lucky man himself?
Craig was born on the 9th April 1976, about the size of a normal baby, since then he has got older day by day but unfortunately he stopped gaining height at the age of 5.
He certainly wasn't the prettiest baby in the world. In fact he was so ugly, that his mum didn't get morning sickness until after the birth!

I have known Craig since we were at school together which is about 16 years although we didn't really speak back then.… unless I was telling him to stop hitting me.

So although I didn't know him when he was really young, I can only guess that his favourite TV programme was probably Jackanory.
Because, as most of you probably know, he loves a story.
His stories are usually based around something factual for example:

Craig would tell you that he couldn't make it to the pub last night, because on his way he was abducted by aliens who took him away in their space ship back to their home planet, a zillion million light years away. While he was there, they extracted DNA samples to enable them to make clones of him so they could populate their own planet – Craig being such an exemplary human being.
But the actual truth would be that he had to stay at home and look after the dogs!

So we met up again after we'd left school, we used to go clubbing, went on holidays and if I were to tell you all the funny stories about him we would be here all night so I won't…besides, most of them I couldn't tell you for fear of being strung up by is parents or arrested!

Anyway, we've been through lots together… lots of cider…lots of lager…lots of vodka…drum and bass music….boy racer cars… loud speaker systems… dodgy haircuts… dodgy girlfriends and entire weekends lost at clubs and parties.
Talking of dodgy haircuts I wouldn't have been surprised if Craig had dyed his hair silver today to match the car we arrived in.
I say this because Craig was so hell bent on colour coordination he once dyed his hair blue to match his Renault 5.

In his teenage years Craig was a bit of a porker unlike myself.
Unfortunately this had a negative effect on his ability to attract the opposite sex so he started going to the gym to lose a few pounds and build himself up.
10 years on and he's quite proud of his physique and it's obviously had the desired affect as he's managed to attract Carly.
But maybe he's taking displaying his toned body one step too far as I recently discovered when Carly contacted me fearing his sexuality.
She caught him parading round the house in nothing but a pair of tight leather trousers, but not the regular type. Oh no these were more like something you would see at an S&M show in Amsterdam.
If you would like to open the envelope you've been given you'll be able to see Craig in this glorious outfit.

The Stag weekend was great, we went to Brighton… that's about all I can remember.
Well done to Carlys brother Paddy, for accepting the ridiculous challenge of being the first bloke to jump in the sea wearing just his boxer shorts on a December night in minus conditions.
And commiserations to the maid who had to clean Dan & Neil's hotel room.
Enough said!
So, after a very heavy Friday night we still managed to go Go Karting on the Saturday morning, which made interesting but possibly dangerous driving.
Well done to the team Mother Puckers for coming first. Overall the day was a success but less so for Craig, not only did his team come last but he injured himself by crashing his Kart into the tyre wall.
But he couldn't use the old excuse about the pedal getting stuck this time.
For those who don't know what I'm talking about, Craig once wrote off a BMW by crashing it through two walls and a parked vehicle.
When asked what happened he replied, “ the pedal got stuck”. (yeh, underneath his right foot)
Despite his persistence Craig and cars have never really got on. When Craig had just turned 10 years old he got a new bike for his birthday as well as a remote control car.
He was so excited about getting both of these brilliant presents, he wanted to try them out straight away. So he set off on his bike, with the remote control car in a carrier bag, which he hooked onto the handlebars.
Unfortunately the bag got caught in the front wheel, which sent him catapulting over the bars and into oncoming traffic, which happened to be a Jag, he then bounced off and went flying into a bush head first.
This left him in hospital for a long while and a 9-month stint in plaster cast, which he insists is the reason for his excessive weight gain.
But we won't go into that again, ‘cos he looks great today as does Carly I think they make a fantastic couple and will make each other very happy.

• TOAST
So, Craig. You have married a beautiful, kind, generous and loving woman. And Carly you have married Craig.
Ladies and Gentlemen, with great pleasure may I ask you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses to toast the Bride & Groom,
We wish you both great happiness and all the very best in this new chapter in your life together and may your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.… To the new Mr & Mrs Powell