Speech by Steve Davies

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steve Davies
Speech Date: oct 2003
Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentleman.

Someone just asked me if i was nervous doing this speech. I mean are the Beatles 2 short. I'm shaking like an MFI wardrobe and sweating like a glass blowers arse.

Apparently Adrian has been telling people he had only picked me to be his best man to make himself look good on the photographs. The jury is out on that one.

I would like to start off my speech by congratulating the happy couple and by telling Emma Jane how gorgeous she looks today. Oh and you look magnificent too Adrian, – he can be very sensative and I don't want him to think I am showing favouritism. I would like to wish you both all the very best in health and happiness for your future together.

But today is a very emotional day – even the cake is in tiers.

I would like to thank Adrian very sincerely for the great honour of being asked to be his best man. One of the reasons he asked me to be his best man was because he said he could trust me not to say anything embarrassing. Adrian I am very sorry to betray that trust.

I asked Emma Jane the other day what she thought about Adrian when he was younger, – always chasing girls. – She told me No problem, Dogs chase cars but they can't drive.

When Adrian was younger though, he practiced the martial art Judo and if he stuck at it, he might have been a great Judo champion today. He won many trophies but lost interest and decided to throw it in – for beer I think.

Adrian has always had a good head for money – He's got a slot on the top of his head.

Sorry Adrian, I said i would'nt mention your hair, or lack of it. Who cut it for you today? – The council.

He used wash and Go once – and it went. Fly's use his head as a runway.

I remember once, he phoned the Chinese and asked, – Do you do takeaways? Yes they said, 6 minus 4 equals 2.

Then there was the time one very bad winters morning, Adrian was chasing a Truck up the road – shouting STOP!!!! Your losing your load. – The driver got out and said, LOOK WE ARE GRITTING!!!!

One of my earliest memories of Adrian was in school, – he used to wear an earring, a big sleeper earring. He thought he was really cool, he was the only one.

Nowadays as many of you all know, Adrian is currently a Team leader at the Social Services for the medical dept. He works hard and enjoys his job. He leads a team of 7 women, on all accounts they think alot of Adrian but would prefer him as their housekeeper because Adrian is house proud and very tidy, he even puts newspaper under the Cukoo clock.

Adrian also loves his car, a 1litre Vauxhall Corsa, but the way he drives it and cleans it, you would think it was a Ferrari.

He can be a very impatient driver. He had a crash once and blamed it on swerving to avoid a squirrel, although i can't see how it was the squirrels fault, – it was up a tree at the time. The resulting tragedy came when the RSPCA took Adrians nodding dog into protective custody.

Emma Jane and I would rather be driven home by Richard Hillman, – being a big girls blouse soap fan, Adrian will know all about him.

Apart from soaps, Adrian loves Boyzone and Westlife, in fact most boy bands. He's always the first to get up in Karaoke to sing their hits. I think Adrian thinks he could be in a boy band, Steven Gatley would of loved that earring.

I've had a word with Adrian about the birds and the bee's, – he thought safe sex was having a padded head board.

I've always wanted to ask Adrian this, whats the difference between a terrorist and your wife? – you can negotiate with a terrorist.

The last time they flew home from holiday, the stewardess on the plane said to Adrian, I'm very sorry Mr Evans, but we have left Emma Jane at the airport. -Thank god for that, he said, I thought i'd gone deaf.

I met Adrian in town one dinner time, we went for a pub lunch. I said to him, do you like scampi? He said he likes all disney films.

He went to the bar and asked for a pint and a quickey, – the barmaid said it's pronounced quiche!

I had a ploughmans lunch, – he went mad.

I live in Cornwall now where the pubs sell beer, here in Llanelli they sell anything, videos, microwaves, mobile phones, car stereos, – you name it.

I remember the time Emma Jane said she was going to Belgium for a break, I said Antwerp? Yes she said Adrians coming aswell.

Adrian asked me to conduct a survey to find out the best reasons for being a bloke rather than a women, well these were my findings:-

Phone calls only last for 30 seconds
You don't have to plan your wedding, (Adrian can back that 1 up)
We don't have to shave below the neck
Stag nights are better than hen nights (apparently, although ours was quiet)
We can sit with our knees open no matter what we are wearing
We never have to clean the toilet (unless your Adrian)
We can write our name in the snow
Someday we'll be a dirty old man
We can keep our last name
We can't get pregnant

On a more sincere note now, Adrian, thanks for being such a great friend, you've helped me out of a few scrapes as wev'e walked down the avenues of life, and once more thank you for the honour of letting me be your best man.

On that note I will move onto the bride……… What can I say about Emma Jane? What dare I say about Emma Jane? As its her wedding day, I will let her off lightly. She's looking worried.

Emma Jane as many of you all know is a life guard. Just like Adrian, Emma Jane loves her job, and what woman would'nt working with all those hunky life guards.

Just like Adrian, Emma Jane is also very house proud, infact she's probably worse than Adrian is. If Adrian gets up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, by the time he gets back to bed, Emma Jane has made it, washed up and done the ironing.

Emma Jane likes to be proper and she usually abides by the rules of the brownies, although there was one occasion when we were all playing cards, very drunk and Emma Jane lost all her……………………………….… (whats that say) oh money. My neighbour had to come round and tell us to keep the noise because Adrian thought he was on Karaoke again.

One final thing I will say about Emma Jane is she actually has a very good sense of humour, as she has proved today by marrying Adrian. I am only joking Emma Jane, you are a lovely lady and I know you make Adrian very happy.

Before I move on to the finishing end, I would just like to tell a quick joke because, I don't know why, but I feel this speech hasn't been to amusing.

3 Nuns die and go to heaven, on the gate is St Peter and he tells them they must answer a simple question each to get in because Heaven is getting very full.
He asks the first Nun, Who was the first woman? Thats easy she said, Eve, – Correct, come on in.
He asks the second Nun, Where did Eve live? Thats easy she said, The garden of Eden. Correct come on in
He said to the third Nun, Because you are mother Superior, this question is a little bit more difficult. What was Eve's first words to Adam? Oh thats a HARD ONE, correct come on in.
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I would now like to thank Emma Jane on behalf of her beautiful attendants, the matron of honour Becky, the bridesmaids, Vicki and Jemma, the flower girl, Lois and the very handsome page boys, William and Luke for the great honour of being asked to accompany her today.

I would also like to thank the hosts today, Jean and Peter and Hugh and Benda, on behalf of the guests, for inviting us to this lovely wedding and reception, we are all enjoying the day very much.

""Laddies and Gentleman, there are obviously two very important people here today, whom we all have the utmost respect for and quite honestly with whom we couldn't be without. At some stage this evening we will all be with them, sharing with them this special day. So if you will all stand with me, I would like to make a toast to them ………… THE BAR STAFF………………………………………………

I would now like to read a few cards which Adrian and Emma Jane have recieved. That is those that have passed the censor.
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Well thats about it. I would just like to finish off by giving a couple of light hearted advice to the happy couple.

Firstly to Emma Jane, – don't forget being married to Adrian could be like twirling a baton, doing handstands or using chopsticks… It looks easy until you try it.

To Adrian, always help Emma Jane with jobs around the house, its in your best interest, apparently there has never been one recorded case in history where a wife has shot the husband while he was doing the dusting.

To both of you, Never go to bed on an argument,… stay up and fight!

On a more serious and sincere note now, I would like to give a couple of pieces of wisdom, which sum up a happy marriage.

A happy marriage is one which a couple give the best years of their lives, to a partner that made them so.

Marriage is not so much finding the right person as being the right person.

Adrian and Emma Jane you are a lovely couple, Love and support each other, stay friends and have a long happy life togethor.

Ladies and Gentlemen, would you please rise while I prupose a toast to the Bride and Groom…………………………..…

To the bride and groom
Wishing you both a happy life togethor, with good health and lots of happiness. As you slide down the banister of life togethor, may all your splinters be in your direction.

Thank you very much.

(announce next item)

Laddies and Gentlemen, Adrian and Emma Jane will now cut the cake.