Speech by Steve Divine

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steve Divine
Speech Date: Oct 2008

Ladies and Gents

As you may or may not know I'm acting today as one of Alex's best men, which is a bit unusual in the first place but I just wanted to explain the reason why there are two of us standing here in front of you.
First off, it's not because Alex could not decide between us and did not want to hurt anyone's feelings and its not because he thought that with two of us it would make things easier for him…no the reason, Andy is not standing up here alone, is because Alex thought it would be funny to make someone who is dyslexic write a speech for him…the clucking bandstand.

When Andy and myself accepted the task of being best men, we asked Alex if there was anything that he specifically did not want us to talk about in the speech…well he might as well have said the only thing he didn't want us too talk about was him, because the list of prohibited subjects was extreme to say the least. So, we had to think how we would manage to do a speech without upsetting him and we decided that the only way we would do it, was to compile a fact sheet which we will be passing out at the end of the evening.

I've known Alex since we were at school and in that time I've seen him blossom from the chubby geeky kid who ate all of your packed lunch into a skinny geeky man who smokes all your fags. We've never had crossed words, though he did once try to attack me whilst he was sleepwalking, or at least that's what he told me had happened. But there is one guy who Alex upset whilst we were at school, who just happened to come from a big family of boxers, and was himself, a bit tasty when it came to the old fisty cuffs…………….…
Alex you””ve not seen him for twenty years, but he's here today, its Blu Stevens………

[Usher stands up and hands a card to best man]

I””m sorry Alex he couldn't make it here today but he's sent a message card
&quotAlex take better care of the ring you got today than you did the one I gave you to look after in P.E…” he has crossed out best wishes and put “Stay out of Yateley&quot which is nice of him.

Anyway, before I hand you over to Andy, there is something I'd just like to say too Alex. Alex to me you've always been a bloke I would like to know…and I'm glad I do because through all the good times and the bad times you have never failed to make me laugh, oh except that time you told Mr. Grant I was a heroine addict and it took me my whole lunch break to convince him otherwise, oh and all the times that you asked Mrs. Hurd, our dragon breathed math's teacher, if I could have some one-on-one tuition, then moved to another desk, just so she could get extra close, but other than those couple of exceptions its been a laugh and I wish you and Georgia just as many over the years to come.

Over to you Andy.