Speech by Steve Evans

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steve Evans
Speech Date: Aug2005
OK then, the best man's speech.

Well, first of all, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to
thank J—- for his kind words. I'm sure we can only all agree that they all looked absolutely beautiful, and also thanks to J—- the page boy.

OK, now I'd like to ask you all to be patient with me, like most best men I'm pretty nervous about this, but I've also got a lot riding on today myself – M— says that if I do a decent job I'm in with a shot at being best man at his next wedding!

Now, I do take my duties seriously, and as far as I can make out, they are – keep him sober, get him here and help him look as presentable as possible. O——- ran out of booze last weekend, so he's had no option but to sober up. I've got him here, and as for presentable, well, I can only work with what I'm given. I think you'll agree he looks reasonable enough, even if he has copied my outfit.

Tradition then is that I say a few words about the groom, apparently to inform the bride's family exactly what it is they've let themselves in for! Seems a bit late for that now, but here goes;

My little brother M—, or I should say our little brother, as we have B—- in between myself and M— – there's B—-, unfortunately, he was able to be with us today – our little brother M— was born on 10th December 1970. I've tried to link that to some great world event or something, but it seems not a lot else went on that day. All I could find was an article from the Newton Abbot Gazette headed ‘Strange Monkey Child Born To Local Family’.

It took M— until the age of four to learn to speak! While this sounds bad, it does in fact start a list of things that he has in common with Albert Einstein. Unfortunately for M— and our parents, it also ends a list of things he has in common with Albert Einstein. He spent four years pointing at things and grunting, and as T—- knows, he still regresses to this behaviour sometimes, usually at weekends.

Although he did eventually learn to talk, there were concerns that he was, well how can I put it, perhaps not the sharpest tool in the box. He once asked our Mum to cut his pizza into four pieces ‘cos he wasn't sure he could manage eight!

This kind of thing had us worrying what was he going to be when he left school? About 29 or so some of us thought, but fortunately the army stepped in to save the day. Well, they weren't to know were they? So off goes young M— to join the Royal Artillery.

One of the first things the army did was to send M— to Canada – not a bad idea in itself you might think, but they did bring him back afterwards. In some time off from shelling the daylights out of whatever it is that lives in Canada, M— and a couple of mates went shopping. Hellraisers, right? In the lobby of the shopping mall they found a large pond, complete with fountain, fish, the lot, and yes, one of them suggests that they dive in! So, what does the young M— do? Putting yourself in his position, and remembering this is M— we're talking about, do you

a) Talk the others out of it, you are after all ambassadors for your country

b) Let the other two dive in, but stay out yourself

or c) dive in and swim round chasing the fish and frolicking in the fountain.

So there's M— and the other two idiots in the fountain, inevitably attracting the attention of the security guards. What does M— do when they ask him to get out of the pond?

Is it

a) Apologise and try to avoid getting arrested, you are after all ambassadors for your country

b) Climb out and run away

or c) engage the security guys in hand to hand combat, sustaining a broken nose which causes you great pain for the rest of the trip as you couldn't tell the army about it, and which to this day you still haven't told your Mum about.

Incidentally, if you would have answered a) to those, then you don't know M— very well at all, if b) or c) then you do know him pretty well, and if you would have answered f) then you're probably not the sharpest tool in the box either, but don't worry, you've married him now!

After the army, M— announced that he was off to become a prison officer – in Scotland. Of course, he had to overcome the natural concerns about working with such unpleasant people – drunks, reprobates, thugs and the like, but it turned out that not all Scots are like that, and M— spent a few years up there.

On coming back to Devon, M— made an application to join the police. Do you notice how his various careers have all made him responsible for our well being? It's reassuring isn't it? While he was waiting for his police application to go through, he worked for a while at a factory in O———, and it was there that he met T—- and they started down the road that brings all of us here today.

Now, I don't know how much of a struggle T—- put up, but M—- tells me there are one or two similarities between M—‘s pursuit of her and his early efforts at pursuing criminals – the use of handcuffs and insructions to "assume the position", among other things. Anyhow, eventually M— was able to get her to come quietly, and here we all are.

So, you've only got to look at her today to see what a lucky bloke M— is, and you've only got to spend five minutes with them to know that they are absolutely made for each other. M—, you've definitely been lucky enough to find your one in a million, and T—-, well, you obviously weren't looking that hard, but well done anyway.

Now I've almost finished, but Before I do I'd like to clear up one little misunderstanding about where the happy couple are going on honeymoon. Apparently, T—- thinks she's going to the Maldives, which sounds lovely, but she needs to talk to M— as it seems they are actually going to North Wales. I was talking to M— about it and he definitely said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight, so maybe you two should discuss that one.

Finally, it's traditional to offer the bride and groom a little bit of advice, so here goes;

T—-, you should remember that husbands are like fine wine; they start off as grapes and it's your job to relentlessly stamp on them until they turn into something you'd like to have dinner with.

And M—, you should remember that wives are also like fine wine; they start off fruity and intoxicating, then turn full-bodied with age before going all sour and vinegary and eventually giving you a headache.

OK, that wasn't quite finally, the last thing I need to do is to thank T—- for making my little brother M— so happy, and to ask everyone to stand and drink a toast to the happy couple,

To M— and T—-, Mr and Mrs E—-, all possible happiness for the future,
To M— and T—-!