Speech by Steve Hawkes

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steve Hawkes
Speech Date: oct 2003
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.

I would like to thank you all for coming today and helping to make Dave and Claire's wedding day such a memorable and special occasion for all those involved. Personally I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my job a lot easier!.

I'm sure you all agree that Claire looks absolutely stunning – and Dave, just looks stunned.

For those that don't know me, my name is Steve I am Dave's brother, and yes, it was I who drew the short straw…….I mean, was given the great honour of being the Best Man here today.
Seriously, I was both delighted, and honoured to be chosen, though I must confess to being a little nervous as I stand before you, as public speaking has never been my thing. This is the sixth time today that I've got up from a warm seat with a few sheets of paper in my hand.

Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Dave and Claire that if there is anything slightly risqué, I'll whip it out immediately.

I believe my main responsibilities for today were:
To ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober, and looking good
Well 2 out of 3 isn't bad. After all I'm best man, not a plastic surgeon!

So what do we know about Dave.…

Life for Dave began on the 28th August 1974, being the younger brother, I never really took much interest in Dave's school years, but I'm sure he must have excelled in every subject as he managed to achieve enough grades to get into Art College!

After college he studied at University, during his time at uni Dave got his first job, working as a shelf stacker in the local Kwiksave. One Day, he was given the task of putting the bread on display. Unfortunately he was suffering from a very heavy cold at the time, and having no tissues or hanky on him decided to clear his head by spitting the largest ball of snot known to man into a damaged loaf that had been earmarked to be thrown away. However, as usual he was a bit slack in his duties, and the offending item wasn't disposed of quick enough. Before he new it THE loaf had disappeared. The next time he saw THE loaf it was in the trolley of a little old lady who was speeding towards the checkouts!
Obviously he did the only thing he could do that situation, he ran and hid!

He obviously kept that incident quiet when he applied for his current job, as he now works in the food packaging industry for a company called Ishida Europe, which is where he met Claire.

Dave has always been keen on keeping fit,
One sporting activity Dave has used to keep fit is mountain biking.
I think he must be the only man in the world that has knocked himself out from riding over a molehill. Mishaps such as this became that frequent that he earned himself the nickname of DTS, which stands for Dave's Trail Skills as every time he went out he would lose control of his bike. Even riding in straight line across a field was a struggle, as he would usually manage to skid and fall off.

He has since taken up the less dangerous sport of golf. Despite what Dave has just told you, I personally think he would be better off taking up the javelin as he can throw his clubs a lot further than he can hit the ball. I'm told that Dave's main problem with his golf game is that he stands to close to the ball … usually after he's hit it!

No best mans speech would be complete without tales of the stag weekend, as Dave has mentioned we went off to Dublin, and it went by mostly without incident. I say mostly, as there were a couple of incidents worth sharing. After the first nights drinking we headed home to bed. Well most of us went to bed. I was woken at 5.00 in the morning by a knocking on the door. I opened it to find Dave stood in the corridor in his underpants! He had apparently gone off to find the toilet, gotten lost and ended up wondering the hotel in his pants for half and hour. The best part is, the room we were staying in had an ensuit bathroom!
The next day It was decided that we couldn't let the weekend pass without doing something to him, it is tradition after all! So a plan was hatched and put into operation.
It was suggested to Dave that wouldn't it be nice to have a group picture taken outside the pub … “over there by the lamppost”
Suspecting nothing he agreed, as we all lined up for a photo, he was grabbed from all sides and tied to the lamppost with a plastic cable tie. We then left him there and went back into the pub. A kind lady with a pair of nail scissors eventually took pity on him set him free. Spoil Sport!
Dave you are a very lucky man! You have married Claire today and she is beautiful, intelligent, kind and caring. She really deserves a good husband. And in you she had definitely found one.
But you know its funny how history tends to repeats itself.… 27 odd years ago Clair's parents were putting her to bed with a dummy, and its happening all over again tonight!
I would now like to read out some cards:
Dear Claire
Good luck on your wedding day, and hope you spend many happy years together. But I will always wonder what might have happened between us had things worked out differently.
Love Justin Timberlake
Dear Dave,
I hope your not going to forget us now your married, from all the girls at the Hot Spice sauna and Massage Parlour
On behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank you all again for sharing their day, particularly those of you who have travelled long distances. Now it gives me immense pleasure, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Dave and Claire, We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.
David and Claire