Speech by Steve Miller

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steve Miller
Speech Date: 09/04/2012 12:57:07

Thank you Robert for your kind words about the bridesmaids.

As you all know, it is traditional for the best man to respond on behalf of the bridesmaids and I've really been looking forward to this moment. Being married myself,  it's a treat for me to be able to speak on behalf of a woman as it's normally my wife who speaks on behalf of me!!

Seriously, I think that they look absolutely gorgeous and I would like to reiterate what Robert has already said about the girls, particularly Jo, who has done an amazing job organising the day . . . .  she made it easy for me too, all I had to do was turn up!!. If anyone here is thinking of getting married and needs a wedding organiser then I would recommend Jo. . . . . . . If ever I get married again, then I'll definitely be giving her a call!!.

For those of you who do not know me, I'm Roberts's father and I too am wondering why on earth he chose me to be his best man!.

I had thought my days of being given this honour were long gone. The last time I was asked was by my brother Keith, over 30 years ago, incidentally on the same day that my wife Ann had just found out she was pregnant, ironically with Robert!  So when Robert asked me to be his best man, I suggested that Ann rush down the doctors straight away for tests.  . . We're still awaiting the results!

Anyway, after making a few enquiries I discovered that I was a last resort as the previous 5 friends that he had asked all declined the job as they only had x-rated stories to tell about Robert and thought that it would be inappropriate to share these at a family occasion!  . . . . .Incidentally, all 5 of them are here today so if you want to find out what Robert is REALLY like then I'm sure that if you buy them a pint then it will loosen their tongues!.

So, I accepted Roberts's kind invitation but after thinking about what I'd agreed to, I thought to myself, being asked to be best man is a bit like being asked to make love to Camilla Parker Bowles . . . . . .  It's an honour to be asked but you'd rather not have to do it!

Now some of you may think that standing up here would be easy for me but actually I am rather nervous about having to make this speech; in fact I don't mind telling you it's the fifth time today that I've got up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand!

(It's been a very emotional day so far, even the cake is in tears!!)

I know you would probably prefer to hear lots of sordid stories about Robert's past but as you'll appreciate, being his father and not one of his party going friends, it has been difficult to think about things to say to entertain you.

So, with that in mind and without any help from his friends, I decided to look on the internet for memorable things that happened on the day of Roberts's birth. I could find nothing!. I even re-visited St Mary's Hospital, where Robert was born to see if anyone there could remember anything about the day but I drew a blank there too. However the nurses did say that they still refer to the day as ‘Ugly Tuesday’!!.

Looking on the internet again, I eventually discovered that Robert shares his birthday with none other than Elton John  . . . . so, one of them is fat, ugly and with a hair problem. . . . . . .and the other is Elton John!!

I also asked some of his old work colleagues about him and they said he was always referred to as ‘Godlike‘ . . . . . rarely seen, holier than thou and if he ever did any work it was a miracle!!

Robert often tells me that he remembers what Ann and I taught him and that he is always well mannered and respectful. He dislikes confrontation and has always done as he was told . . . yeah right!!

I have given many things to Robert, most notably, his good looks, his golfing ability and money!!. In return he has given me sleepless nights, an overdraft and a bald head.  . . . . not a bad swap eh?!

Seriously though, he has been a model son, well; He's always been a poser and preened himself!!

We are both sports lovers and something that we now have in common is that we both chose an inappropriate day for our weddings!!  . . . . I chose the1980 FA Cup final and Robert chose today, the final day of the Masters golf.  Nice one son! . . . . . I'm sure he's apologised to all the golfers here.

I wanted to tell you all about Robert's stag weekend last Saturday when 13 of us went down to Bournemouth to play golf and then hit the town for some fun. However, I received a letter from my solicitor this Thursday suggesting that it would probably be best if I didn't speak about the weekend until after the court case and the goat had been found and repatriated with the farmer.

Not being able to mention the stag weekend, I thought what can I speak about. So for those of you who do not know how Robert and Rachael met, I will enlighten you.

Rachael was working at Waterlooville Golf Club behind the bar, where Robert would regularly hang out with his mates, either after playing golf or before going out to a disco!!. He would usually end up acting the clown, becoming the centre of attention in an effort to woo her. Rachael though did start to show signs of interest in Robert but her friends tried to discourage her as they wanted to protect her from such a complete joker!!

Well she could hold off no longer when one day she overheard Robert talking to his mates in the bar about an incident he'd been involved in. It revealed to her a sensitive side to Robert that she had not previously seen.

It was when he was driving home one night that he saw a dog wandering aimlessly and confused in the middle of a busy road. He stopped his van in the road to rescue the dog but nearly got into a fight with some irate motorists who couldn't drive around his vehicle. Not knowing what to do with the poor dog, he decided to bring it round to my house but after realising that it was deaf and blind we both agreed that we needed to get rid of the dog, sooner rather than later as it would cut across our plans to have a curry and watch the live match on TV. Well, after over 2 hours of walking the dog around the streets, in the hope that it might lead us to its home or that someone might recognise it, a car came racing up the road and screeched to a halt next to us. Out stepped a very larger lady with a moustache that Lord Lucan would have been proud of, screaming with happiness that her dog had been found!! As she raced towards us I had a feeling that she would want to show her appreciation and as she shouted out ‘ Who found him, who found him’ I quickly declared that it was Robert as I could sense that a big wet hairy kiss would be planted on the lips of the saviour of the dog! Before Robert could speak she was hugging and kissing him!!  Hearing of this act of kindness obviously pulled on Rachael's heartstrings and she succumbed to Roberts advances and they started seeing each other.

I have also recently learned that whilst working at The Golf Club, Rachael would often make frequent trips to the patio area, which faced the golf course, in order to clear empty glasses from the tables. She did this whenever she thought Robert might be coming down the 9^th or 18^th fairways, so as to catch a glimpse of him. Apparently the tables outside the clubhouse have never been so regularly cleared in its 100 year history!!.  . . . . . She always thought he looked handsome from afar . . . .  she now thinks he looks far from handsome!!

Eventually, after they had been seeing each other for a while, Robert wanted to bring Rachael home in order to introduce her to us but being a little wary of how I might behave, Robert gave me strict instructions not to act the fool when we met. So after being introduced, I simply said, that it was lovely to meet her and that before she went any further with her relationship with Robert, that she should take a look at me as I was the finished article and I was what he would turn out to be!!. I am flattered that she stuck with him and that she was obviously impressed enough marry him!!

As I previously mentioned, Ann and I have always placed great emphasis on instilling good manners, discipline and respect in our children and Robert demonstrated this one particular day at primary school.

One morning he was sitting at the front of the class when he started to scratch his groin area. His favourite teacher, Mrs Nottingham noticed what he was doing and asked him to stop, which he did. About 10 minutes later Mrs Nottingham noticed that he was doing it again and asked him not to do it as it wasn't nice and that it was disturbing the girls. Robert stopped again but after a further 10minutes had passed Mrs Nottingham had to raise her voice and enquire what Roberts's problem was. He explained that he'd had a little operation on his winky and that it was itching him. She was a bit embarrassed and asked why he hadn't said this earlier. She told him to go to the secretary's office in order to telephone his Mum so that she could come and collect him to take him home. About 5 minutes later, Robert walked through the classroom door with his winky on full show through his fly hole. Mrs Nottingham couldn't believe what she was seeing!! ‘What on earth are you doing Robert’, she exclaimed.  Robert innocently said that he'd spoken to his mum, who said that she couldn't come straight away to collect him but if he could stick it out til Lunchtime she'd come and get him then! So, you see he DOES do as he's told and DOES respect his elders!!

When Robert moved on to senior School he made many friends but I knew that he wasn't really applying himself to his school work, preferring to hone his skills as the class clown instead!. I was however surprised when I read his Year 10 School report. It read  –  Robert is an IDEAL pupil, he's EXCELLED at school and we'll be SAD to see him leave. 

Well, I couldn't believe it so I read it again and found that it actually read – Robert is an IDLE pupil, He's EXPELLED from school and we'll be GLAD to see him leave!!

Seriously, Ann and I are very proud of Robert and even more so now that he has a beautiful wife in Rachael. We are so pleased to welcome her into our family. She is a lovely girl and Ann, Clare and I love her very much. She's been great for Robert and together they make a perfect match. He needed a steadying influence and Rachael has definitely been that for him. They have also produced the best 2 grandchildren in the world, Sammy and Henry (at this present moment Clare!!).

I'm not going to give you any advice about marriage. Everyone is different and different things work for different people but as long as you have the love and support of each other and your family and friends, then it will survive the many ups and downs that you will inevitably encounter.

However, I would like to mention mothers in law . Remember, if ever you hear the words ‘ Can I make a suggestion’ or, I don't want to interfere but . . ‘, you should just bite your tongue and listen intently, you don't have to take any notice but just look like you appreciate the advice!!.  One other thing to remember is  . . . an anagram of Mother in Law is Woman Hitler!!!. I'll leave it at that!!

Before I forget, I have just one card to read out that I've received, it says –

‘Dear Robert, thanks for all the lovely weekends lazing by the pool, I do hope you've made the right choice, Love, Michael Barrymore!

So, with nothing further to add, can I ask those of you who are still awake to join me in toasting the happy couple, Robert and Rachael and wish them a long and loving marriage together.