Speech by Steve Morgan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steve Morgan
Speech Date: oct 2003
Good afternoon everyone.
Ladies and Gentlemen, hosts and Hostesses :
First of all I would like to take this opportunity to thank Mark for his kind words on behalf of the bridesmaids Lauren, Kayleigh and Caroline – who I am sure you would agree look gorgeous today – although I have to say that as one of them is my wife !! Also, I hope you will all agree with me that Kieran looks very dapper in his outfit.
It is said that the Best Man's Speech should last about the same time as it takes the groom to make love – so thanks very much and goodnight !!
When Mark asked me to be his best man I was initially thrilled at
the prospect. But it didn't take long for this feeling of well being to
dissolve into utter apprehension as I remembered the last time I had to
stand up in front of a room full of people. I was found guilty and fined
£200…
Although I have to say it is gratifying to see that I am not the only apprehensive person here today – to be fair to Karen I would look the same way had I just married Mark !!!
They say the Best Man's speech is the worst couple of minutes of the grooms day – The brides worst couple of minutes won't come until later on tonight !!!
When Mark and Karen got engaged, Karen presented Mark with this pair of underpants. Now as you can see there is a padlock on the front. Karen has been making Mark wear these since the engagement to keep his crown jewels under lock and key. Now Karen thought that she had the only key for these – BUT – I have heard a rumour that copies of the key have been made by no other than the groom himself and that he has been giving these out unbeknown to Karen. Now I know that this is not really the time and place but as Best Man I feel duty bound to ask , if anyone here has one of these keys can we please have them back as Mark is definitely out of bounds to all but Karen from today onward – (at this point 4 women give me keys back)
Thank you Ladies – are there any more – (Then 1 heavily pregnant friend gives a key back)
Are we done ? (then a middle aged man gives me a key back)
Now I have known Mark for 20 years – and I was going to stand up and do normal stuff about Mark – you know, things like the fact that when Mark was born he was such an ugly baby that the midwife actually slapped Mark's mum,
or when he was a baby his Mum used to tie bones around his neck so the dog would play with him

Or the time when he had us both thrown out of The Brunel Rooms night club at the tender age of 16 after filling a sink up with the rather large amounts of Pernod and Black he had earlier drunk.
Or the time at 16 when we escaped a rather large chasing Police Car when we were both on his motorbike, coming home from the pub at lunchtime in our school uniforms !!
Or the time when following Mark along the M5 at 80 miles an hour, his wheel decided it no longer wanted to be part of his car – you could have seen the sparks for miles !!!
Or even the time very recently during the stag weekend when Mark was seen wandering around the hotel in Prague in nothing more than a rather sexy pair of underwear !!!(Bring out “lovely” thong that we dressed him in !!)
however I'm not going to do all that stuff because it would just be degrading and having fun at Mark's expense — and let's be honest we have all been doing that for years………..…
Jokes aside, there are a few things you should know about Mark :
He is handsome
Witty
Intelligent
Charming
???????
Sorry Mark, what does this one say, I can't read your writing ?!?!?
Seriously though – I do sometimes wonder what life would have been like if I hadn't met a friend like Mark – often the smile lasts 2-3 days !!!
So, Mr and Mrs Holmes – today you were married in Christchurch for better or worse – which is funny really because Mark couldn't have done anything better and Karen couldn't have done anything worse !!!
On the way to the church today a nervous Mark was muttering to me about how there are three important things in the church – Number 1 The Aisle. Number 2 The Alter, and number 3 the Hymns – I found it interesting that when Karen was walking up the Aisle I could also hear her muttering the same – Aisle Alter Hymn, Aisle Alter Him !!
During the service I couldn't help thinking how funny it is how history repeats itself – I mean, 33 years ago Karen's family were sending her to bed with a dummy – and it's happening again today !!!
Now Karen and Mark – if you can both stand up please and Karen, please put your hand on the table – Mark, please place yours on top of Karens – now I want everyone to witness that this is the first and only time during their married life that Mark will have the upper hand !!!
Now I hope that Karen will forgive me for divulging the fact that she rather enjoys spending money – Retail therapy is definitely her thing. Recently though her credit card was stolen – Mark recommended that she didn't report it as the thief was actually spending less than her!!

It is apparently the Best Man's duty to provide a few words of advise for the new married couple so here goes :
It is often said that a marriage is a 50/50 partnership – Anyone who believes that knows very little about either Women or fractions.
There are 5 rings involved in marriage: Engagement ring, wedding ring,
suffering, torturing and enduring.
Always tell your wife those 3 important little word's . "you're right
dear".
It's also very important to get on with your mother-in-law. One of my
friends didn't speak to his mother in law for two years. Its wasn't because
he didn't like her. It's just that he thought it was rude to interrupt.
Finally, these are some words you imparted on me during your speech to me when you were good enough to be my best man – 5 years ago yesterday – A clever man will always have the last word in an argument – an even cleverer man wont use it !!!

Mark, I would like to thank you for being my best friend in the world – all joking aside to me you are the brother I never had – thank you for the opportunity to get up here today and let you know – and to Karen, you look stunning today.
I would just like to finish with a few of the telegrams and cards sent today :
4 OK ones, then
Karen – why did you do it, we could have been great together – love Brad Pitt
Mark – Our chance has now gone but I'll never forget you – from Elton John
Ladies and Gentlemen, hosts and hostesses, I would like to propose a toast :
Mr & Mrs Holmes, Mark and Karen