Speech by Steve Morley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steve Morley
Speech Date: Jul 2001
INTRO

Good afternoon ladies & gentlemen, boys & girls.

I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

I'm the best man,…..just in title and I'm supposed to deliver the best MANS speech.

THANK GROOM

First of all I'd like to thank Miles on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words and I think everyone would agree that they both look gorgeous and that they've done a splendid job in making today a very emotional event (look even the cake is in tears!).

Miles proposed to Tracy some 18 months ago and I think he asked me to be his best man immediately, and ever since that day I've been bricking it. So please bear with me as I'm really nervous. (Not as nervous a Miley, as look what Glenn found in the loo this morning!)

Being so nervous I thought I might forget my lines so I was just going to do the usual stuff…..like saying about all the bananas Jon used to be given when he took Miley out for a walk but I'm not going to do all that as it's just degrading and having fun at Miles's expense, and that wouldn't be a change.

So what I'm going to do is simply take you through some of my memories from our friendship.

As I'm doing this, please bear in mind one question….Why would Tracy agree to Marry Miles?

So let the character assassination begin and lets dish some dirt!!!!

It is fair to say Miles has always had only Three(focuses) loves in his life!!

1. GIRLS (last 8 years TRACY),

2. ALCOHOL and

3. ENTERTAINING PEOPLE in some way.

Everything he has ever done is linked to these and I'm not going to mention his usual party trick!!!

SCHOOL Years

Very early on in Miles's school life he decided to tread the boards and begin to entertain the masses. The junior school was putting on a major production of “Snow White & the seven dwarfs”. Miles was cast as one of the dwarfs and very soon he made the role his own. His performance around the tiny school hall was astounding, it was as unreal to parents as children alike. They could see a fictional character come to life in front of their very eyes.

It's amazing really, and I wonder whether the teacher who cast him in the role or Miles himself were to realise what an impact playing such a successful role as DOPEY would have on Miles's own young developing character.

With this new found confidence his next experience on the stage was a wee bit different. He opted to test his wide vocal range and chose to sing “There once was a Girl Called Maria” from the musical West Side Story. A simple solo would be no problem!!

The full dress rehearsal was in front of the school. Miles came on full of enthusiasm. He started by not hitting the high notes and not hitting the low notes (but he didn't realise this). Within a minute or so there were giggles form the audience and within another 30 seconds the whole school was laughing wildly. A teacher had to intervene. She gave us it full blast ……… “he was doing his best,…at least he was trying” etc. etc. We of course all felt duly ashamed. Her being tough, (or maybe not liking Miles) and Miles not being a quitter, ordered him back onto the stage to start again. Well you can imagine. A 9 year old boy just humiliated in front of his peers to the point of tears, he was definitely now not in a fit state to give it his best,….… but he tried!!!! Within another minute the audience was again dying with laughter. There was raucous laughter, the teacher was shouting and Miles was singing for his life. He should have learnt an important lesson that day(that of not singing in public again).

As we moved on through our Norton School careers we discovered alcohol (by way of woodpecker cider)we realised girls could be fun and we became much closer friends. So much so in fact that I began accompany Miles on his annual family holiday to Lowestoft.

LOWESTOFT

It was in Lowestoft that we finally made our clubbing debuts. Bedazzled by bright lights, loud music and more girls than any late teens schoolboy can comprehend we hit the dance floor. This was where I was to witness the raw, and still undiscovered talent of Miles's rhythm. Regularly he would empty the dance floor with his dance moves, which would leave most of the ladies speechless, so speechless on fact that very few ever spoke to him. There was however the ODD one (odd being the correct word) that did.

I remember Miles hoping for a first sexual experience from these clubbing and drinking excursions. One girl did actually talk to him and took him outside at the end of the night for a chat. Carl and I were worried and began looking for him. Carl found him by moonlight down a side street. In Carl's words

“ with Miles's enthusiasm for the young lady, it looked like at one point she was almost going to drop her kebab!”

We had been worried but apparently ,they had only been arm wrestling!!!!

UNIVERSITY

After “A” levels we both went off and out into the big wide world by way of university. Miles to Northampton and me up to Norwich.

Our experiences at uni were not dissimilar. We both drank lots, played sport and had like friends.

We would both visit each other every now and then.

Miles‘s college was amazing. Lewie, Carl and I would often go to Nene for a drink or two. After the first visit we realised that everyone there was as daft or more daft than Miles was himself.

How could all these “like” or “mad” people end up in one institution? From then on the college was affectionately known as “Nene Stupid College.”

Of course Miles also used to visit me. Again he always wanted to impress my friends.

We had all finished our finals, so there had been lots of heavy celebrating for some weeks.

Two instances spring to mind.

It was a beautiful sunny summers day and about 20 of us were out sailing on the broads. Miles was obviously hungry and out to impress his new found friends. Noticing a very large scab on Paula's arm he mentioned it looked healed and the scab should really be removed. Being under the influence she duly obliged, whereby he instantly popped it into his mouth and swallowed it, much to Paula's, a vegetarian, disgust (& to everyone else's astonishment).

Later the same week Miles admitted he thought his friends drank a lot & frankly he was struggling.

So we went for an evening out in town….… & Miles really was struggling.

I was asked to come quickly …”as Miles was trying to be sick by sticking his fingers down his throat”. This was not working. I arrived in the crowded, rather grubby pub toilets to see Miles lapping up the toilet water from the bowl. This proved to be an all round master stroke,.… as not only did he go down as a legend with all my mates, but it done it's job as within a matter of seconds he was feeling fine & back drinking!

HOUSE

In the early 1990’s Miles & I bought a house which was a real eye opener.

He was most often a pain whenever I cleaned my teeth as he went out of his way to always take a piss next to me.

To say Miles will one day turn into Doreen is an understatement.

I would arrive in from work and my dinner would be ready (& like his mum he can cook). When I sat down to watch TV, I would be bombarded with constant questioning, eventually I relented and from then on I would have a cheese and onion sandwich or a beer in my hand whenever I was home. I have to say though, that's when my figure began to develop into one for power as opposed to a figure for speed!!

This is also the period in Miles’ life when he first met and fell in love with Tracy. It was obvious he'd fallen for her big time.

Oh I remember those happy evenings. I would retire off to bed somewhat earlier than the two lovers. But even then I couldn't escape from his constant talking.

I would never hear Tracy in the living room below but I knew she was there. She must have a higher tolerance level than me, as I had soon learnt to tell him to shut up when he continually talked at me. I would be lulled off to a deep sleep listening to good old Miley enlightening (or entertaining) Tracy about the finer intricacies of the benefits of opting for a four man lineout or the complexities of the offside rule on match of the day.

Occasionally Tracy would forget to go home (sorry Nobby & Geraldine) and would sneak out first thing in the morning. This again also had its benefits. What people do in their own room is their own concern and no business of mine.

The main benefit was that her staying over stopped his other annoying night-time hobby………….… that hobby of picking his nose and saving the bogies on his head board (it shouldn't be annoying but always shouted out or come in to show me if he found a big one!)

After a while Tracy began staying more often, and she and I soon formed an allegiance in combating the incessant noise that is Miles. There would be constant talking, shouting, singing & dancing around the house any time of the day.

This was also the time when Kareoke was the fashion down the pub. Miles hadn't learnt the earlier lesson & stilll fancied himself as a bit of a singer and dancer. He would always opt for crappy Rick Astley numbers.

I'll never forget the day when I returned home (and until now I've been sworn to secrecy) to find “I'm Never Going To Give You Up” blaring out on my stereo, Miles in his underpants in the living room singing at the top of his voice and giving it his best Rick Astley shuffle. And I wonder why he was such a hit down the Ebbo (not)!!!!!

On a similar note you could also ask him later about the rocking Lenny Kravitz number “Are You Gonna Go My Way.”

GROWN UP/ CAREER

Now Miles is a grown up, he's even married.

He's always only ever had two career aspirations, both in the field of entertainment.

At a very young age Miles always wanted to be a magician…… and he succeeded. We'll often be walking down the road and suddenly he's turned into a PUB!

His second career aspiration was to become a teacher. Which was always worrying!

He now teaches both games and science.

Miles you maybe able to help me here.

NOW if my memory of my “A” level physics serves me right you usually see something before you hear it…………light travelling faster than sound and all that………

but not with Miles, You definitely hear him before you see him.

Mate,…….… How does the noise that is YOU work in the world of physics????

Miles is dedicated and driven, a consummate professional. Recently Miles school has had a worrying drug problem with the students. Determined as he is, Miles discovered a stash of 150 viagra in a biology lab. He, as we all know is an intelligent and astute man. In his report on the matter to the head he stated

“that in his opinion the drug ring was being run by hardened criminals.”

But joking apart for a minute, Miles is a successful man & can put his mind to most things. As well as carving a good career and performing well in the world of academia Miles has contributed a great deal of his own time to a voluntary organisation which tries to give mentally handicapped people some kind of a social outlet. Most of you know the place well, and know Miles tries to spend as much time down the EBBO as possible.

SO WHY ARE WE FRIENDS?

We've been friends for some 26 years. The reason is probably because we share the same sick sense of humour, we both love playing sport, particularly rugby and we both share the same great dancing skills where rhythm and style are of no importance….(you'll see some examples of this later!)

We've spent a lot of years drinking, throwing up, being blown out by women, more drinking, occasionally pulling the old dog (well Miles did), the odd bar fight and lots more drinking.

I remember…….…

Miles was there when I got thrown out of the scouts at 14 years of age.

Miles was there when I had 5 stitches in my right cheek at 18.

Miles was there when I got attacked by a huge gorilla like man in Lowestoft, again at 18.

Miles was there when I got thrown down the stairs and out of a club in Norwich.

Miles was there when I ruptured my knee ligaments.

Miles was there when I was refused entry to the clubs on his stag week in Cork.

In fact mate, thinking about it you're a bloody jinx!!!

But Miles has always been there whenever I needed help, a pick me up or just needed a laugh.

His priorities are family, friends and then himself. A more loyal friend and confidante you could not wish for.

I now think of him & love him as I would a brother.

I asked you all earlier to consider why Tracy might wish to marry Miles.

She sees all of these same characteristics in him as I do and probably many more.

He'll make her a great husband.

Mate it's been only an honour to do this job for you today!!

TRACY

Of course Tracy has been getting off lightly here.

I've now known Tracy some 8 years and we too have become very close friends. But I couldn't do to Tracy the same as I've just done to Miles. There are no (no, no, no, very few) mega embarrassing stories to tell about her.

But why would Miles wish to marry Tracy? I think that's stating the obvious!

Mate you've played a blinder in marrying Tracy. You've found someone who is beautiful, well mannered, charming, funny, loving, caring and a great friend to many.

CARDS/MESSAGES.

“We've found Miles to be useless in every position. Hope you have more luck.”

THE BOYS FROM THE RUGBY CLUB

“Congratulations on your marriage. Sorry we couldn't be there with you today. Please send a picture of the bride and groom mounted.”

“I hope your marriage is blessed with luck

and trust that Tracy is a very good ………….cook.”

“Marriage is all about honour. Get on her and stay on her!”

SERIOUS BIT

Before the final toast I would like to take this opportunity to share with you my picture of Miles & Tracy tomorrow morning after the wedding night. They have both been brought up by parents with very high moral values and so as yet have not actually done it together. Miles will call down to room service and order breakfast fro them both. For himself he'll order a full English with all the extras, and for Tracy he'll order a lettuce leaf, a carrot and nothing else. Room service will arrive, but the waitress will be confused by his order and will probably ask him whether Mrs Lewis might want something more substantial than a lettuce leaf and a carrot. To which Miles will reply

“Its OK I'm conducting an experiment, to see if she eats like a rabbit as well.”

Ladies and gentlemen, it would give me great pleasure if you could all raise your glasses and join me in a toast to MR & Mrs Miles Lewis. May they have a long and happy life together!!

TO MILES & TRACY!!!!!!!!