Speech by Steve Q

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steve Q
Speech Date: May2007
Ladies &amp Gentlemen, Lords, Ladies, assorted hangers on and gate crashers, welcome to the event of the year .… ‘The long-awaited and much heralded wedding of Sarah and Jim’. First of all I want to say a massive thank you to everyone who's been involved in organising such a fantastic and unusual event. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Steve, Jim's younger brother. It's great to be stood up here today because, after all these years, Jim has finally admitted that I am indeed the best man. And tonight, I'd like to take this opportunity to pay tribute to a man who personifies intelligence, ambition, tact, generosity, and integrity. But it is Jims’ wedding and so I feel it's only fair that I talk about him as well.

I'd also like to compliment the bride, Sarah, you look absolutely beautiful and I know that you have made my big brother the happiest man alive today. As for Jim, well what can I say, we tried our best. What can I say about Jim's choice of clothing? I was amazed a few years ago to discover that Jim is not, in fact, colour blind. To quote Jim's boss, ‘He wears extremely colourful clothing for a man still living as a heterosexual’. In fact a couple of years ago Jim discovered a new use for old clothes. He wears them!

Now as part of my role as best man for the big day it was my job to organise the stag weekend, so having been in ICI middle management for ten years I immediately delegated this job to my subordinate a Mr ‘Sean Barker’. Please stand up Sean, who did a tremendous job of getting us all a fine compliment of bruises and a good old fashioned dose of salmonella courtesy of a traditional dodgy curry house on Jim's paintballing Stag Weekend. The groom to be surprised us all at being even worse at drinking than we had imagined 3 pints and ill for two days, a truly pathetic achievement.

Having seen the groom in his best suit it will be no shock for you all to learn that my brother was a weird looking baby. In fact, a week after he was born, my Mum got on a bus with him to go shopping in Darlington. As she got on the bus, the driver took one look at baby Jim and said ‘That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen Ugh!’. Mum tried to ignore him, and went to sit at the back of the bus, absolutely fuming. She sat down next to another lady, and said to her ‘The driver has just insulted me’. The woman replied ‘You go right back up there and tell him off – go on, I'll hold your Monkey for you!

Having an older brother in life is always considered to be an advantage, someone to look after you, advise you, help you through those difficult patches in adolescence. I can say truthfully and genuinely that Jim has been all these things and more, I can reel off endless times when my ‘Big Bro’ has been immeasurably helpful. I remember Jims first air-rifle and the agony of getting shot in the foot, his brilliant game of darts in the dark, which left me with blood streaming down my face and best &amp perhaps most useful of all the ‘I'll show you how to take Mum &amp Dads furniture apart after 8 pints of lager’ What a guy!… Thankfully I didn't listen to Big Bros advice about fashion, music or how to dance .…

Now as anyone who knows him will understand, Jim is not at all competitive, in fact as someone who knows more about Jim than even his future wife I can assure you with all honesty that competition is the furthest thing from Jims mind at all times. Jim has always been far too worried about being first in everything that he does to even think about competing. From a younger brothers point of view things look even worse, first to be born, first to walk, first to school, second to be toilet trained though the doctor has assured us that he will manage soon and now first to be married. No competition there of course, I simply mentioned one day that I was getting engaged and next the second Jim announced his marriage plans, incredible .… . Thankfully my telephone problem has now been sorted.

Now on to the subject of hypnosis, I'm sure you've all heard the nasty rumours that have been circulating throughout the day, I'd like to quash all that nonsense immediately. The truth is, the fact that Jim is a qualified hypnotist, an expert in the art of persuasion and a master practitioner of something worryingly called ‘Neuro Linguistic Programming’ has had absolutely no bearing on Sarah's decision to agree to the wedding, nothing at all robot voice’. I would like to add however that anyone with the misfortune to become involved in a conversation with Marvo would be well advised not to look into or indeed around his eyes or you may find yourself married as well.

For anyone that doesn't already know this, Mum &amp Dad included, Jim was born in 1963, co-incidentally the same year as a certain George Michael and with this in mind I've brought along a small souvenir of the occasion as a gift for the bride and groom. This is a special poster of Jim in more his usual daywear, I think George would approve. I've also brought along a couple of big pens that's pens so as the evening progresses I'd ask everyone to leave a greeting on the Jims backside. This will, I'm sure you'll all agree, make a perfect and meaningful memento of the big day to be treasured for years to come.

WORDS OF WISDOM

Now, coming towards the end of my speech, it is customary for me to offer the happy couple some words of wisdom. So…
To Sarah…

Remember Sarah that men are like a fine wine…
They start out like grapes…
And it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they turn into something you would like to have dinner with.
To Jim…

By coincidence, women too are like a fine wine…
They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind…
And then they turn full bodied with age, and eventually give you a splitting headache!

On a more serious note, Jim has been a huge influence on my life he's been my big brother, my mentor and closest confidante and most all my best friend. And in Sarah he's found a perfect match, in fact Sarah &amp Jim are just ‘one of those couples’, they just seem to fit.

I look forward to being a part of their lives and having them both as a part of my life for many, many years to come. On behalf of the entire wedding party I would like to thank you all for coming to share in this wonderful occasion. Also very special thanks to all the parents, without you this could never have happened. Finally a toast to the bride and groom, will everyone please everyone raise their glasses:

Let us toast the health of the bride Let us toast the health of the groom, Let us toast the person that tied Let us toast every guest in the room.

Ladies &amp gentlemen I give you Sarah &amp Jim