Speech by Steve Tilley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steve Tilley
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Somebody more philosophical than me once said that being asked to be a best man is like being asked to snog the Queen mother – It's a great honour but no one really wants to do it.
When Lester asked me to be best man; my first thought was best man, what an honour. My second though was a suspicious why? What had I done wrong? However duty bound, I proceeded to investigate what this role entails in a book entitled "The best man's checklist" however this only led to me being mystified by some of the things I was expected to do:
1. First of all I was to help the groom to dress- thanks but no, if he hasn't learned how to it by now…
2. Ensure the groom:
A. Uses the toilet – nah!
B. His shoes are tied – check.
C. His face and hair are in order (God didn't put them in order the first time round so what hope did I have?)
D. Nothing is between his teeth (or should that be his ears?)
E. That his trouser flies are done up (perhaps his mum should have been best man)
Unfortunately, or fortunately depends on what way you look at it, I didn't know Lester at school so I've had to rely on his own version of events regarding his education.
During his school years Lester was an ideal pupil who excelled in most subjects. Oh, sorry I've just misread that bit, it should say; He was an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects!
Apparently Lester tells me, he was the perfect child: exceptionally gifted, good as gold had no trouble at school, he even did his homework and the teachers liked him. By the sounds of it, he was one of those weird kids who took an apple into teacher and pressed wild flowers.
This seems to be slightly contradicted by the stories I've heard from Keith J**** and Gary G****** who did happen to go to school with Lester. They tell me Lester was a rather annoying little child who constantly picked on other children, and regularly beat them up. I suspect the truth is somewhere between the two.
I first met Lester some twenty years ago. A strong friendship has developed during the intervening years, together with a shared following of Manchester United.
I would like to mention a couple of stories about Lester, which most of you will not know. These, I feel will give you an insight into the type of person he is, as well as giving us all a good laugh at his expense, which, after all is the main reason I am here.
A few years ago, Lester and I had been out in the evening, having a couple of drinks. After chucking out time we decided that a take away would be a great way to finish of the night. Myself, I preferred an Indian, but Lester wanted a Chinese. So I parked up and headed to the local tandori house, while Lester made his way to the Chinese. I ordered my meal and waited, whiling away the time by watching the television on the end of the counter. It was then that I felt eyes burning into the back of my head. I turned round to see Lester, his face pressed up to the glass, staring intently at me. On seeing me turn round, his face lit up and he beckoned me to go outside to him. Once outside he started to tell me that he had had a small accident? It transpired that as he was going towards the Chinese he had slipped and done the splits, resulting in his trousers being split from back to front, with the wind whistling around.… Well you get the idea. The best part thou, was that as he was seen by people in the shop, he pretended that someone was calling him from down the street, so he waved at these invisible friends and walked slowly back towards the car. Needless to say, I had to then go and get Lester's Chinese and return and pick up my order. Which just proves that no matter what might befall Lester, he makes sure he doesn't miss a meal.
Lester and I have travelled around Europe following the reds. We have had some great times. One not so great time was in Athens. We had watched the Greek changing of the guard and we were about to have some lunch when a Greek gentleman engaged us in conversation. He stated that a relative of his had a café nearby, and he would take us there. To my great surprise, Lester agreed to go with him, so we went of in tow. In a short time we were led into a bar, just off a main road. Once inside it became clear we were in “a house of ill repute”. We quickly had a beer, which cost a small fortune, and beat a hasty retreat. Showing that no matter where Lester ends up, he always has time for a drink!
I believe marriage is a wonderful thing… marriage will teach Lester loyalty, self restraint, control, it will develop in him a sense of fair play and many other qualities he wouldn't need if he had stayed single…
I can tell you that when he told me that he and Amika were getting married no one was happier than me, besides them that is. Lester, your an excellent friend and in Amika you have found a lovely caring person who deserves a good husband. Thank God you've married her before she found one.

It has been said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership I hope you realise that anyone who believes that knows very little about women or fractions.
Just remember, now that you are married, you can ALWAYS have the last say, its " YES DEAR “.
I guess I have always been a forward thinker.
I knew the Cold War had to end, I knew that Nelson Mandela would one day be free and I knew that the Berlin wall would come eventually come down,
But I have to say I NEVER thought that Lester would get married!
I remember a few years ago he said, "that he would never marry", but if he did, " he would like to marry a woman with small feet".
"Why small feet?" I asked.
" So she can get closer to the sink,” he answered.
Seriously, through, he did say if he ever got married he wanted to do it in Key Largo, Florida. As you all know, he made that dream come true, in spite of some terrible events elsewhere in that country
On behalf of the Bride and Groom …I would like to thank everyone here for sharing their day,
.… Particularly, to those of you who have had to travel long distances.
I started planning this speech some months ago, …and you must feel like I have been delivering it equally as long, …but now it gives me immense pleasure, ….not to mention relief, ….to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Lester and Amika, Mr and Mrs K***** no less.
We wish them well for the future …and hope they enjoy a long …and happy marriage.