Speech by Steve Watt

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steve Watt
Speech Date: oct 2002
Well I guess it is my turn now so I'd like to say first of all…
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen:

For those of you that don't know me – I'm Steve.… and in case you haven't already worked it out… I'm the best man…..…

Well this is my first time as a best man
…and I suspect that after word of today's performance gets out …
……..it will also be my last…

My first duty is to say some thank yous
So I'd like to start by thanking Jason on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words.
And add to them by saying.…
…….that they look absolutely wonderful and have done a great job today.

I'd also like to thank
Suzie's brothers Nick and Dan for doing a superb job as drivers and ushers. And last but not least.…
……..Mr. Jamie ***** for being an excellent BEST BOY.

(Suzie has also asked me to thank:
-Her female pals for rallying round over the last few weeks
-Her sister
-And also her future sisters in law for all there help
Suzie tells me that she is being slightly presumptuous there……
…..but she has her fingers cross for you Mel )

I'd also like to pause for a moment and say that ..
….Suzie – you look absolutely stunning.
…….And Jason,…… you look absolutely – well – stunned.

>>>In fairness to Jason though.…
…… today must be confusing for him…
……….after all it must be strange for him to be wearing a suit …
…………..and not to be standing in front of a judge.

My next duty as the best man is to tell you about the groom.…
…and also to try to embarrass him a little
….although Jason is more than capable of doing that all by himself.. ………as anyone who has seen him on a dance floor will know.…

Now, I could talk about Jason for hours …
…..which is something that Jason has often been accused of.…
……but as I'm sure you would all like to get on with the partying..…
……..… I'll keep this brief.

I first met Jason about 15 years ago when we worked together as apprentice engineers.
The first thing that struck me about Jason – apart from his huge sideburns and poor taste in shirts – was his energy.…
……..particularly when it came to talking……
However I eventually managed to interrupt him for long enough to introduce myself….…
………and we soon became good friends.

We also studied together at the illustrious Cambridge College of Art and Technology and …
… although Jason spent most of his time drinking down the Spade and Beckett…
………..… by some miracle …
…………..… he did manage to pass his exams …
…..and has since gone on to fool a number of employers into giving him positions of responsibility.

This in turn has allowed him to travel to Europe, Australia, Malaysia, the United States and even Columbia. ….…

But you don't need me to tell you that Jason is a well travelled man, ……
you only have to look at him to see that he's been around a bit!

However, you wouldn't know it to look at Jason………
….but he also has a sporting side
…………he used to play rugby for St. Neots.

Unfortunately it seems his ball control wasn't up to much ………
And his old team manager once said to me..…
…..“ Jason is useless in every position”.…

Well lets hope that Suzie has more luck with him then.

Being a dare devil at heart Jason also tried his hand at skiing .…
….I believe the knee operation was a complete success wasn't it Jason?

Fortunately, Jason has acknowledged his accident prone nature … and has taken up a more sedate pass time .… Motorbikes!

When he is not falling off his bike……
… a trait I understand he inherited from his father John .…
…….… Jason is usually breaking every speed limit he can manage.
In fact, I have often heard Jason remark that – his weekend is not complete without a bit of speed.

It is also widely rumoured that Jason's interest in motorbikes …
…is just an excuse to dress up in black leather …
……..but the less said about that the better.

Jason will turn his hand to anything and once used to work as a mobile DJ.
He said the pay wasn't great but the perks were excellent.…
…….It seemed he used to make a lot of… female “friends.”

Video?

(Jason's career in music didn't end there though..… I don't know if it was the flashing lights or thumping bass that addled his brain into believing he had some talent.
.… But Jason went on to join a boy band…..…

The band formed in the summer of 1991.
And as with so many boy bands these days its output was mostly covers.

Unfortunately nothing remains of their back catalogue…
….apart from this video recording of a performance at Jason's local.

So if you'd like to cast your eyes on the TV screen and cover your ears I'll show you a brief sample of the act…

<<queue tape>>

…..try not to be distracted by the handsome one on the left of the screen and keep your eye on the young Elvis look alike in the middle…

<<Role tape of us singing Living Doll at karaoke night 11 years ago>>

Impressive stuff I am sure you'll agree…

Well despite their obvious talent the band had a brief career ……
………and shortly after this performance they had a rock and roll style bust up…
…our man of the moment went off to pursue an unsuccessful solo guitar project in his bedroom before disappearing into obscurity.)

These days Jason is working at ****** as the European Sales Manager – pretty impressive I think you'll agree….…
…….and not bad for a guy who used to sit up the end of the lab
–connecting things to mains electricity to see if they would catch fire.

******* is also where Jason met Suzie.
Now I don't work with Jason anymore …
…..so I can only imagine the sheer romance and class of the moment when Jason swaggered over to Suzie's desk,
…..perched himself on the edge of it,
………….looked her in the eyes and said
…………………..“Hey babe, how you doin”

Well despite Jason's limited chat up skills – romance soon blossomed – and the rest – as they say – is history.

well, traditionally the best man should end his character assassination of the groom with a few sincere and kind words….…
…And with Jason – that is easy.…
……because he has written down what he wants me to say!

Seriously though…….don't tell anyone I said this but he's actually a pretty decent bloke.

He's honest, generous and gregarious by nature.
He's a good laugh,
…a good friend to me
…a good father to his children
…a good son to his father John
And I have no doubt he will make Suzie a good husband (although he might try and do that with power tools in his garage).

Now just to balance things out I'd like to say a couple of words about the bride:

When Jason first introduced me to Suzie ..
…..I could tell straight away that they were the perfect match…
Suzie's charm and wit more than compensated for Jason's obvious short comings in those areas.

Jason you are in fact a very lucky man……
Suzie is caring, generous, loving, intelligent and funny……
………….… and clearly a woman who deserves a great husband………
Well done Jason …
……….and thank god you married her before she found one.

Another task I have is to offer some advise to help the happy couple in their marriage.

Now as a single man I'm not exactly a great authority on the institute of marriage…
…..… and I don't have much experience of love either….…
. so I have stolen a few wise words from some others more experienced than myself.…

So to begin with – some advice for you both:

Apparently the key to a good marriage is listening:
– In the first year of marriage, the man talks and the woman listens.
– By the second year, the woman talks and the man listens.
– Then by the third year, they both talk and the neighbours listen.

And now some individual advice:

Firstly to Suzie:

If you love something, set it free,
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
(However..)
If it just sits in your house,
Messes up your stuff,
Eats your food,
Uses your telephone,
Takes your money,
And generally behaves as if you never set it free in the first place,
…..you either married it or gave birth to it.

And so on to Jason:

…I've kept this simple for you……
…….There are just two things for you to remember……

Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss…and then do everything she says.

And secondly, make sure that you always have the last word in any discussion by never forgetting to use this phrase..… “Yes dear”.

Well I don't know about all that cynical rubbish…but…
The only advise of my own that I can offer you both
…is to say that,…
….you cannot make someone love you,……
……all you can do is be someone who can be loved…….…
………..the rest is up to you now.

And finally to my last duty; the toast,

…now, I was originally going to do a toast comparing the wedding night to a kitchen table;
…something about four legs and no drawers
………..but I've been told that was unsuitable!

So…… if you would like to charge you glasses one last time and be upstanding:

I'd like to toast the happy couple – with this wish:

May your love be modern enough to survive the times,

……….and old fashioned enough to last forever.

To the Bride and Grooms future happiness..

Well as I am the last person to speak today…… you can all stop pretending to listen now and get back to your drinking.

>>One final announcement though, Dave, the owner here has asked me to say that
“due to health and safety regulations
…can you all refrain from climbing onto chairs and tables
…..during my standing ovation >>

Thanks to you all for coming and I hope you enjoy the evening do as much as I am intending to.…