Speech by Steve

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steve
Speech Date: 24/04/2013 11:23:35

I was extremely nervous about doing this speech today so I prepared a few lines….and having hoovered them up in the toilets a moment ago I now feel absolutely fine.  There's that 20 quid you lent me Col.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are here to celebrate the marriage of Lee and Andrea, and I must say that Lee has bagged himself a diamond. He's got someone who's beautiful, charming, smart, funny, loving and caring.… to be his best man.

For those who don't know me my name's Steve.  I hope you are all having a good time? Now don't worry, I read somewhere that a best man speech shouldn't take any longer than it takes the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen – I give you Mr and Mrs Bushell.

Only joking….

I was initially surprised when I was asked to be Lee's best man.  Having a twin brother I thought Adam would have got the nod, but after his disastrous foul mouthed best man's speech at Baz's wedding last year I think Lee thought better of it. When I asked Lee why he chose me, his reply was “Well I've got to ruin someone's day so it might as well be yours” Cheers mate!

I actually came here today with what I thought was a quite an entertaining speech, but before I formally began Lee's character assassination I thought I better get some clearance from Andrea. Unfortunately I didn't think about doing this till about 10 minutes ago when she advised me of my do‘s and don'ts.  She said:

Don't mention ex-girlfriends, don't swear, don't tell risqué jokes, don't tell lies, and don't show any embarrassing photos.  Do tell mostly positive stories about the groom.

Now that could either completely ruin my speech or I could just ignore her…..I think I'll ignore her.

I first met Lee about 12 years ago when I started playing for the same football team as him.  I remember him having his David Beckham style curtains with his geeky glasses. He looked something like this…..

He was so loud, cocky and irritating.  Not a lot has changed really.  God knows how I became to be best mates with him.

They say that once you are married your social life is over, but for some reason Lee's been getting the practice in for the past 8 years.

I'm actually surprised that he's the one wearing the trousers today! I recently asked Lee when he first realised that he was in love with Andrea. He told me he knew from the very first moment she told him he was.

He never comes out except maybe once or twice a year and even then he has a 10 o'clock curfew, not allowed to play football unless he gets a pass signed 6 weeks before the game, and the poor lad's not even allowed to have Sky TV.

Now Andrea I don't want to get him into trouble but on his stag do in Magaluf he actually stayed out past 12 o'clock every night!  We were all shocked that he didn't turn into a pumpkin.

I remember a Stag do we went to in London a few years back.  We were playing pub golf so as you can imagine it soon got pretty messy.   A highlight of the day was Lee and I dancing to a busker in Covent Garden with our tops off….at 4 o'clock in the afternoon!  Anyway we went back to the hotel to get changed and freshen up and arranged to meet up again for about 7.30.  We were all there on time except Lee.  So I text him to see where he was and this was his reply.  I eel like shiv, I can't 7 tanke up, which I think translated to (excuse my French) I feel like s*** I can't even stand up.  So we had a good laugh at him and just thought he'd go to bed and sleep it off.  Anyway an hour later I rang him to make sure he was ok and he told me he was on the train home!  I still don't think he has ever got over the abuse he took for this.  And to make matters worse we found out that he asked Andrea to pick him up from the train station and staggered out to her with a huge bunch of flowers to apologise for being in such a state!

For those who know Lee know that he's quite an emotional guy.  And he wasn't short of a few tears on the first night of his Stag do.  We'd all had quite a bit to drink when Lee got all emotional on me and started bawling his eyes out.  So being his best man of course I was there for him.  I punched him in the face and told him to man up.  Luckily he was dressed as a woman at the time or passers-by would have thought he was a right drip!

Then to top it off Fletch started crying too, but I think he had his iPod on at the time listening to Adele! For those who don't know Fletch he's the bald usher over there.  If you want to see a grown man cry later ask the DJ to play ‘Someone Like You’ by Adele.

Then I think even Tim had a little cry.  But I think that's because he was missing his mummy…

From the stag do I have in my possession a rather embarrassing photo of Lee.  He has literally begged me for the past 2 months not to show it during my speech, which I reluctantly agreed to, but only ‘cause he nearly started crying on me again!  So because he wouldn't let me show you that one I'm going to show this instead…. 

I do happen to have a small copy of the photo he wouldn't let me show you on me now (and I mean small in more ways than 1), so if anyone wants a peek, buy me a beer and I'll be happy to show you.

On a serious note it's an honour to be here to share your special day and I wish you both all the happiness in the world.  I'm sure you'll all agree that Andrea looks absolutely stunning today as do all the bridesmaids, unfortunately I can't say the same about the ushers……or the groom for that matter.… but the best man looks pretty decent!

Seeing as I've ripped Lee for the past few minutes I thought I'd better say a few nice words about him, mainly so he'll still want to be my mate at the end of this.  But not before I've shown you one last picture……

I bet no-one messed with you as a kid!

 No seriously I don't think Andrea could have found a more loyal and committed man to marry.

And it's a loyalty that he's had tested beyond belief through the last 25 years of broken dreams and betrayed trust … as an Aston Villa fan.

 So Andrea, you can rest assured that however you behave over the next 25 years, Lee will stand by you.  

Despite everything I've said Lee is a strong and dedicated man, who will make a loyal and loving husband and sometime in the future a caring and devoted father. He's also the best mate a guy could wish for.

Before I finish I would just like to say that I hope you both have a wonderful honeymoon.  Although there appears to be some confusion over where you are going.  I thought that you were off to Australia but I'm not so sure now.  From speaking to Lee earlier today I think they are going to North Wales….or at least that's what I think he meant when he said on their honeymoon he was going to Bangor for 2 weeks.

Now that's the worst 5 minutes of my life over, I'm sure you're all glad that it's over too; I think it's time for the toast. Ladies and gentlemen. Please be upstanding. It is my pleasure and privilege to propose the toast to the newlyweds. To Lee and Andrea.