Speech by Steve

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steve
Speech Date: Mar 2001
Your wedding day is one of the most wonderful days of your life and today we were blessed with excellent conditions and we have also been blessed with a warm atmosphere this evening.

It is with much delight seeing Sam looking so wonderful…………..oh, and, um, seeing Chris.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen boys and girls, when Chris told me I was to be his best man I was extremely pleased but looking around the room I see that I am the only friend he has here, perhaps his other mate had to watch TV tonight or something. Be that as it may, I'm sure you will agree that my duty of getting him to church on time, sober, properly dressed and eventually married has been a great success.

Normally the best man's speech ends up being a character assassination of the groom but as all of you who know Chris will attest, he does a pretty fair job of self assassination whenever he is around, so I am breaking tradition and I will give an “assessment” of Chris's life to date.

Before I begin with my “assessment” of Christofer Anthony Joseph Zammit, I would like to thank the bridesmaids for completing their roles today so well and continuing to look so good throughout the afternoon and evening.

Consideration of the Key Result Areas or KRA's for this “assessment” was not an easy task in itself but I condensed them into four categories,

1. Relevance to History
Chris was born on Wednesday August 2 1961 the day after the traditional horse's birthday. Not that I am suggesting any link. Interestingly Chris shares his birthday with the renowned actors Bethany Richards and Dingdong Dantes. Memorable highlights of 1961 were The Entrance beating Ourimbah in the Central coast grand final, Hibernians winning the Maltese Soccer championship and the release of “All the Way Home” by the New Originals.

So you can see that had Chris not been born that year the history books may well have deleted 1961.

Rating 3.

2. Ability and Willingness to Succeed
By all accounts Chris was an academically gifted student who was willing to undertake any task given him by his teachers.
I am willing to retract that statement.
Unfortunately after commencing work at the Commonwealth Development Bank in 1990, where I met him, that keenness to succeed had waned considerably. On his first day it was clear to me that he was unable to accept directions by his supervisor, a gift that he proudly carries with him still.
For me to say that he worked hard and diligently may incur the wrath of our maker. He spent endless hours preparing pop quizzes, making fun of client's surnames and generally watching the clock.

However he did succeed in obtaining his pilots license after spending many thousands of dollars in lessons and flying hours. I increased my life insurance a few years ago and flew with him to Wagga Wagga but because there was a big black cloud ahead of us he turned back to Sydney, a mere 10 minutes from our destination.

Rating 3

3. Financial
All employers must now give their employees a percentage of their gross salary in super. Chris would receive annual statements from many different super funds such is his penchant for not remaining with the same employer.
I recall that Chris would never ever have any money for lunch at the Bank's subsided cafeteria and he would forever be asking for a lend of two dollars for lunch. Ultimately, I commenced my own Line of Credit facility for him which upon checking my records when constructing this speech I found had still not been repaid. You owe me $3-95 Chris.
But he did always have money for the latest gadget be it his electronic organizer, the latest 386 PC or the mobile phone that was never switched on. I recall him carrying on about how one of his mates would send messages to his voicemail and that it cost him money to retrieve them. Should keep your phone switched on Chris.

Rating 2

4. Personal Relationships
I have been mates with Chris for 10 long years and I have seen friendships come and go for him. I remember the famous Ourimbah RSL incident of 1993, the “Look after my House in Woolaware” incident of 1995 and the “Look after my house and watch cable for 24 hours incident” of 1997.
I can still recall walking through the City streets with him when he was afflicted with a strange habit of saying “Yep” almost non stop. It was most embarrassing when he would go into a shop, look around and “Yep” everyone. I never understood why but I am lead to believe that this still occurs today.
Rating 4

Overall score, 11.

When he started in the Bank, many of his colleagues thought that he batted for the wrong team,……not that there's anything wrong with that.
I found him to be a curious creature. I felt like David Attenborough watching his every move waiting for him to wreak havoc somewhere. This was not to be but I did find a very funny, very generous and very gifted guy who I am glad is my friend.

Sam you will have a lot of fun with Chris but a few words of advice….let spontaneity happen and don't be scared of it.

And to you Chris, from someone who has been happily married for a number of years always say the three magic words “You're right dear”.

Finally, a few definitions of love lust and marriage

Lust when you steal everything you own
Love when you share everything you own
Marriage when the bank owns everything

Love when you phone each other to say hi
Lust when you phone each other to pick a hotel room
Marriage when you phone each other to bitch about workmates

Love when you write poems to each other
Lust when you write your phone number
Marriage when you write cheques

Love when your heart flutters every time you see them
Lust when your groin twitches every time you see them
Marriage when your wallet empties every time you see them

Love when all the songs on the radio describe how you feel
Lust when the song on the radio describes how you are going to do it
Marriage when you listen to talkback

Anyway it gives me great pleasure but even more relief to know that my part is now over, would you all please stand and toast Mr & Mrs Zammit on the first day of their fun journey together.