Speech by Steven Barker

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steven Barker
Speech Date: 11/01/2013 11:41:20

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to once again welcome you all to this fabulous occasion to celebrate Nick and Laura's wedding day.

I'm sure you will all be pleased to know that I'm only going to be talking for a few minutes today because of my throat…because if I go on too long, Laura has threatened to cut it.

Now, for those of you who don't know me, I am Stevie, Nick's younger brother and partner in crime…and despite the nerves involved in having to write and perform a speech, I have really been looking forward to today, as after all these years I have known Nick, he has finally admitted that I am in fact the “Best Man”.

I have never been asked to be a best man before, and I am not renowned for my speech writing ability, but I will give it my best shot – because Nick has told me that if I do a good job today, I can be Best Man at his next wedding, too.

Before I start I would also just like to add a few more compliments to the people involved today. First of all I would like to echo what has already been said and compliment our beautiful bride Laura on how wonderful she looks today, and also to Nick, who's done the best with what he has got. I'd also like to say a big thank you to the Bridesmaids for helping Laura on her big day, and I'm sure you will all agree, that they all look lovely and have done a brilliant job. I'd also like to thank the ushers for their help today, to Dewy, Duds and to Savage for helping with probably what should have been all of my duties, and to Tino, thanks for taking the day off school mate. But seriously thanks for the help boys with the stag do, what a great do. I would also like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has travelled the long distances to be here today. I'm always amazed how far some people will travel for a free meal and a few free drinks! (Cheers Gaz).

So Nick and Laura, you've finally done it, you've finally got married, for better or for worse as they say, which is quite appropriate really, as Nick you couldn't have done any better for yourself, and Laura you couldn't have done much worse.

A couple of months ago when Nick asked me to be his best man I was so proud, what an honour I thought…But then he asked me what nice things would I be saying about him, would I be telling you all how nice and kind he is?…this from a person that when we were younger, he would try and pin me down and fart on me, never let me bat when we were playing cricket, steal and hide all my stuff, egg me whilst doing the milk round, always make me go in goal when we were playing headers and volleys, pick his nose and wipe it on me, cheat at cards, purposely lock me out of the house for hours on end, and keep winding me up until I had no other option than to go back in the house sulking!!   Actually, scrap the when we were younger bit as well; most of these things have happened last week. So back to nice things I'd be saying about Nick & after these last few weeks trying to think of nice things to say…Sorry Nick I have absolutely nothing good to say about you.

In preparation for this, I heard that it is traditional for the best man to embarrass the groom in his speech, but then I thought where's the challenge in that? Nick is perfectly able to embarrass himself all on his own, but anyway, here goes.

Nicholas John Barker was born on Tuesday the 6th of November 1984 at Birch Hill Hospital. Not much else was happening in the world at that time, Ronald Regan was elected as president of the USA, and Chaka Khan had a no1 hit with ‘I Feel for You’. She probably wrote that with my Mum and Dad in mind, because I must admit that I would have felt for my mum and dad at that time too.

I first met Nick around 24 years ago, when I can only assume that my mum and dad were that disappointed with their first attempt at a baby boy that they decided to try again!

By all reports Nick was a fairly well behaved baby and little boy. He went to Walsden Infant School and then on to Walsden Junior School where he caused little trouble. For the many of you that know Nick, I'm sure you can imagine that Nick wasn't the sharpest of knives in the drawer. In fact he was probably about as sharp as a marble. One day after school whilst Nick was painting a picture he decided that his brushes needed a wash; Nick wasn't happy with the cup of water set out for him to clean his brushes and decided he needed something else. What would he use, the sink, no, the toilet, no, Nick decided the best place to wash his brushes would be the fish tank, and as the water turned green and the little goldfish died and floated to the top, Nick, none the wiser turned around and went back happily to finish his painting off.

This incident wasn't a one off either. Nick must have been in a curious mood one day and this curiosity ended with Nick seeing how far he could put a vitamin pill up his nose, and the result, he had stuck it too far up his nose to come back out and needed a trip to the doctors to get it back out again. Nick's curiosity and investigation skills are maybe one of the reasons he's ended up joining the police force today, or perhaps he is just an idiot.

Nick's young brain also let him down on other occasions too, another classic being when he decided the video player was hungry and stuffed a full tea cake into it resulting in a new video player being needed.

Nick was a fairly stubborn young boy and had an unusual way of trying to get his own way. Instead of crying, sulking or screaming like most normal children would do, if Nick didn't get his way he would walk over to the nearest wall and start banging his head continuously against it until he got what he wanted. Nick didn't often get his own way and this probably explains a lot of Nick's personality today.

Nick was at times a strange child and was the only one in his class that didn't like going to parties or to McDonalds. This was because Nick didn't like Coke, chips, tomato sauce, ice cream, you name it Nick didn't like it. Nick did have a few hobbies however, all he cared about was football, cricket, and cheese sandwiches, and not much has changed today, as all he cares about now is football, cricket and whatever Laura tells him he has to care about.

I also remember a time when we were younger when we were all out at a pizza place and the waiter brought the pizzas out and asked Nick if he'd like his pizza cut into quarters, Nicks reply was, NO, CAN I GET IT CUT INTO 4 INSTEAD.  Unbelievable!!

I'm sure a lot of you won't know this but Nick's first love was in fact not actually Laura. Don't worry Laura it wasn't another girl, or a boy, or even Sooty, but in fact his yellow cot blanket that he had since pretty much the day he was born. This cot blanket stayed with Nick for many years and he would often be seen either sniffing it or rubbing it against his nose, this blanket didn't stay a cot blanket for long and ended up being a snotty little rag. As Nick moved from junior school to high school it was made clear to him that he and the snotty little rag would have to be separated. It was Dewy that finally persuaded him around Nick's 15th birthday that his snotty rag would have to go onto the bonfire at one of Billy and Gary's bonfire parties. As Nick threw it onto the bonfire and the whole family celebrated this was Nick's one and only taste of heartbreak up to now, but don't worry Nick, I'm sure it'll be your one and only taste of heartbreak.

From here Nick moved onto Todmorden High School where he met one of his best mates, Duds. It was also around this time that people started to see what a fine sportsman Nick was. He developed his own unique styles in football and cricket. His footballing ability was limited but Nick made up for this with hard work and his ability to perform probably the most horrific tackle known to man. Nick's motto seemed to be that if he didn't have the ball then whoever did have the ball deserved to be horizontally kung fu kicked right in the middle of the back. Nick's cricket ability was much better and he represented Lancashire at a few junior levels, and it was his aggressive, attacking cricketing style that has earned him his nickname today, “Blocker”. 

It was also in his time at Tod High that his teachers and new friends learnt about Nick what everyone that knew him had already knew: Nick was thick. He was predicted all D's and E's in his GCSE's, but Nick knuckled down and worked hard and managed to get a C or above in every subject apart from one. The one subject Nick failed was woodwork. I'm not surprised that Nick failed woodwork though – WOODWORK – what did Nick decide to make for his WOODWORK final project, a METAL golf chipping net.

Nick went on to Burnley College and then on to Staffordshire Uni where he somehow managed to get a 2:1 degree, with maybe a little help from my dad.

But it was back at Burnley College where Nick's life changed for the best. A shy young Nick sent a brief text message to a girl called Laura Graham at Tod High School. The message read, “Hi, I'm Nick, I'm 17, and I have a car”- Real smooth Nick. But somehow this text worked and as they say, the rest is history.

Nick and Laura have like any couple have had their ups and downs, but these only seem to make their love towards each other stronger. But after 10 years of being boyfriend and girlfriend on the 23rd December 2011 while Laura was jumping around doing some aerobics in the front room, as she opened the door to a bunch of flowers she turned to see Nick down on one knee and made all her dreams came true as Nick asked her to marry him, and here we are today.

Now Nick and Laura make a great couple and a great team and they do seem to have a caring/sharing relationship. They complement each other well in life's daily chores…

Laura cooks/Nick eats Nick drinks/Laura drives Nick makes a mess/Laura clears it up….what a great team!!

Personally, I think that as a result of these vows taken today between Nick and Laura that, Nick, you are very lucky and you will be leaving here with a warm, loving and caring wife.

Laura,  how lucky you are as well…you will leave with a gorgeous dress and a lovely bunch of flowers.

Joking aside, I've now got to the serious stuff that I want to say. For this part I certainly don't need prompts and won't get the opportunity to say again. Standing here on my brother's wedding day, in the company of so many friends and family, I feel overwhelmed by an unusual sense of affection towards Nick, I've realised today that my annoying older brother who upon first seeing me tried to pick me up by my ears and whom I grew up with mainly arguing and fighting with is actually pretty alright.

It is impossible to summarise the last 24 years I have known Nick, but I would like to say that over those years, he has been the best anyone could hope for in a brother. Admittedly as he's my only brother, it is not the greatest survey ever done. But in my limited experience of brothers, I'd have to say he's pretty much as good as they come. But Nick's not only my brother, but he is also my best friend – and I've always been able to go to him for whatever I've needed. As my brother and my best friend there's nothing I wouldn't do for Nick, likewise I know there's nothing Nick wouldn't do for me, in fact, we spend most of our time doing nothing for each other. Seriously, I do love him though.

I know that Nick will maintain his high standards as a loving husband to Laura. I'm sure everybody will agree that you make a great couple, and it's just been fantastic to be a part of this celebration of your obvious love towards each other.

Finally we all hope you have a wonderful time on your honeymoon in North Wales, or at least that's where I think Nick said they were going; he just said he was going to Bangor for a week.

So that leaves me with my final duty as best man, and this is to thank you all [once more], on behalf of the entire wedding party for coming to share in this fantastic occasion. It gives me great pleasure…and relief…to ask you all to be upstanding to share in one last toast:

TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM, NICK & LAURA CHEERS EVERYONE