Speech by Steven J Woodhead

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steven J Woodhead
Speech Date: oct 2003
Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Jason for his kind
words.

I'd also like to say that Ann looks fantastic. One in a million(pause) and
Jason(pause) you look like you always do, won in a raffle.

For those of you that don't know me, I'm Steve and I've known Jason very
well since the age of about 5 until about the age of 18 when we went our
separate ways of life.
So, to allow for the more recent parts of Jasons life, rather than ignoring them, I've chosen to use my judgement and embellish the missing pieces.

So, where do I start?

A wise old man once told me that my speech should not last longer than it
takes for the groom to make love.
Thank you very much for coming today
(sit down)

What can I say about our Mr Cooper?
Well, he's:
Witty (pause), Intelligent (pause), Charming (pause), Han, Han, .… Sorry
mate, I'm having trouble reading your writing..…

Jason had the best possible start to life, going to a quality school with an even better quality of friends (obviously).
As with all good things, from this high, things can only go downhill.

He was in the Cub Scouts (we were all little angels at that age). And put
his name down for the local "Gang Show". Now, whilst some of us were cast
as Soldiers (for their obvious physique) [muscle pose] or Cheshire Cats
(grin, grin, Matthew), J was picked out to be the Leading Lady, ‘Alice’, due to … (pause, take a drink) whilst writing this speech I thought about this one for a while, and finally decided that it must have been the casting couch that swung it for him….the director was a very, very nice man (blow a kiss to the audience), if you know what I mean.
For those who are interested, I have some photos.

As all good cubs, we each aimed to get as many badges as we could. Jason
got his fisherman's badge with ease, and Reg helped the rest of us to
achieve the same "Cheers Reg" (raise glass towards Reg).

Fishing taught Jason an important lesson in life. That size does matter.
When asked what he'd got; his 3 inch tiddler became a foot long beast with
each retelling of his story. He still uses this lie line to date.

And let us not forget Lyn in all of this reminiscence for bringing out
waitress service of full Sunday roast down to the canal bank so we'd not go hungry (raise glass towards Lyn).

(whisper)As the astute (or less drunken) of you may have gathered, Jason did not inherit his method of cooking from his mother.

Secondary school came and went for Jason. I think that his best achievement was his dedication to smoking. Whereas I lasted about two weeks, Jason managed about 15 years and is still going strong.

That's the smoking, what about any other vices I hear you cry.
You may well have heard about the Stag Night last week, and Jasons drinking problem.
Pint glasses don't hold enough for our Jason. His latest tipple is a 2ft
vase containing a cocktail of stagnant water, phostrogen and Baby Bio. Add a kebab, mix well, and .… The resulting eruption left the kebab owner with an extra special Topping on his door-step, and Guardian Angel Trisha (who carted him off) potentially had the rest of the Topping in the back of her car.
Jason left the party at 11:07, and now holds the new Stag Endurance Record, beating a previous time of 9:30 held by cousin Matthew for a number of years.

Changing the subject, Jason was the first to own cars. I say cars rather
than car as he got through cars almost as quickly as he goes through jobs.
But he never lost money on it, as by claiming back his unused road tax, he
recovered each cars value.

Whilst most of our group of friends stayed on for the 6th Form, Jason chose the local college to further his education. He obviously enjoyed it, as he stuck at it several years repeating the same exams.

Once Jason had finished formal education (or was it formal education had
finished with him?), Jason decided a career in catering was his vocation.
He got around, not working in any hotel for an extended period. Having
suffered a Jason cremation (sorry, creation), I can understand why he moved so often.

His best option was to start up his own business, "J's Greasy Spoon" – a
mobile burger bar that would only trade after midnight outside night-clubs
(when the cliental are not so choosy), or perhaps a chef in a prison where
there's a captive audience?

There followed a career change to bar work (where it is said that he single handily contributed to most of the pubs takings), followed by a pyramid selling scheme, then timeshare….to name but a few of the variations.

Jason finally moved up in the world when he lived in his 13th floor flat –
now he's come back down.

So, how did they meet…a good question.
"When is this idiot going to shut up?" … an equally good question, which
I'm going to ignore and soldier on.

Anns sister Lisa tried to introduce the happy couple back in the Christmas
of 2000. But, as I understand, Jason has a flat mobile phone battery so the rendezvous failed. They finally met up the following April. True to form, it had taken Jason four months to realise you need to plug the phone in for it to charge, and receive calls!
No, seriously, Lisa tried to play cupid and get them together by inviting J around.
Jason spent most of his time playing with Rosie at Junior Monopoly, so
excited at having found some equal competition.… He lost…repeatedly…
but started seeing Ann for some practice with Rosie.

Now, Jason had told Ann of his culinary expertise and wanted to prove to her what he had to offer. So, one night, J decided to cook Ann something up she'd not forget for a while. He turned the temperature up, got out his infamous "meat and two veg", and put a bun in Anns oven. Nine months on, and the happiest day of his life. WC was born.

Now at this point, I could start on the toilet humour, but then my speech
goes further down the pan, so I'll just flush away any such ideas, and move on (for all of those with weak bladders, we're nearly done).

I'd now like to read out the cards and emails the happy couple have received (pause).
A shorter part to the speech.

Finally (someone nudge Sue, she's starting to snore and that'll wake up
Bill)…

If you've enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I've enjoyed making
it, then I can only apologise.

(raise glass and toast) To the bride and groom, may you never put me through this again.

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[If the audience are a bit cold – and several were – below ‘cards’ are to be held up to get a response]

SIDE SPLITTING
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE