Speech by Steven Kramer

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steven Kramer
Speech Date: mar 2003
August 2003

Best Man – Steven

Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen……….and I use the terms loosely as I know there is a high proportion of Bolton Wanders fans here today![WAIT],

I'd like to respond on behalf of the bridesmaids, and to thank … for his kind words, I have to say they've all done an excellent job and look absolutely stunning, I'm sure you would agree with me that they all deserve a round of applause [clap] [WAIT], it's good to hear an early warm response I'm sure your only warming up.

Before I start fully I would like to thank … for being on time today, this I must say in all the years I have know him is a first and in all honesty I'm sure it will be the last. As many of you will know … lateness is part of his greatness and for him to be on time is clearly a tribute to his family and friends. I remember a time when … made us late for a flight home from Spain we were that late they had to have the check in desk re-opened, fortunately we still made the flight!

…, I would like to say that you have married a charming, beautiful, talented and exceptional woman. Mrs. … you have married, well…[PAUSE]..… I will admit to being a little nervous about making my speech today. When I was preparing it I felt a bit like a Sheik walking into his Harem for the first time, I knew what to do; I just didn't know where to start. [PAUSE]

I'd like to thank … for choosing me as his best man but I would especially like to thank .… as I know she's quite nervous about the content but don't worry, [pause] well not too much. I would also like to take this opportunity to apologise to anyone who has already heard all the old jokes before, but they do say the old ones are the best, so please bear with me.

Having been told the official news that I was to be .… best man I went ahead and purchased a book, in fact I actually got about three after panic buying in Waterstone's, the one I decided would be my bible for the event was call ”the duties of the best man, <show book>. Unfortunately, I got through just a few pages and wasn't too sure it was the right one after reading the following and I quote “At the reception the best man should help keep things running smoothly, offer drinks and introduce people”. So according to this, I should be buying you all drinks and acting as some form of pimp, so you can see why I gave up reading it. Regrettably I never did pick it up again until last night and even then I only started flicking through a couple more pages. It has a list of does and don'ts for the speech, which kind of narrowed down my options.

Don't mention ex-girlfriends <throw away card>
Don't swear <throw away card>
Don't tell risqué jokes <throw away card>
Don't tell lies <throw away 5 cards>

Though it didn't say anything about trips abroad but I'll get back to that. When .… asked me to be his Best Man, I was obviously honored and delighted. After the initial feeling of flattery I soon realised that 1) I would have to stand up in front of so many people and give a speech and 2) I would have to say some nice things about ….l and to be honest I've had very little experience of either and neither filled me with enthusiasm .… I must admit though it's gratifying to know I'm not the only apprehensive one here today .. after all .… has just married .…

Where do I start with …..; for starters he's;
Handsome
Witty
Intelligent
Charming
He's Per… Per… Sorry .… I'm having trouble reading your writing on this you gave me, you can tell me the rest later.

I remember when .… and … first meet at Ritzy, Ikon nowadays and for those with long memories, the Pally! .… was working at a bakery; his chat up line in those days was how many buns he could place on one baking tray, though he'd never admit to that now! I never thought that such a boring conversation could have resulted in this! After .… and I came back from Spain it was another meeting in a Bolton nightspot, Atlantis that brought them back together. I think Kathryn must have forgotten the original chat up line!

As some of you will know and those who don't I've known …l for a good many years and I must say he is one of the best lads you'll ever come across, so telling tales of drunken exploits may prove to be difficult, as it's impossible to select one from so many, but don't worry .. I'll give it my best shot. We became particularly good friends during our time at Rivington Sixth form; an intensive time of study and hard work, though I must admit most of it was either spent in the Bridge or Sams Bar, we were more familiar with those interiors than that of our own common room! One memorable day was when the sixth form was taken to Manchester, for a careers open day to go and choose your career or pick your University, we arrived, ran around as many stalls as we could picking up any leaflets just to prove to the teachers we had actually been inside, we left the event and went to the pub hiding all the material outside, well actually in a wheelie bin! When we went back to the coach, everyone else had actually sat and spoken to Universities and to companies about jobs and career paths, while we spent the whole time in the pub.… this was pretty much our direction through sixth form!

After the strain of two years at Sixth Form we felt we deserved a well earned break, so a number of us went on our 1st lad's holiday; off to Malia. This was the time that … showed the way he can look after me on a night out. We arrived at the second bar of the night which was offering drinks two for the price of one, like the intelligent lads we were we kept ordering two drinks and getting four we couldn't quite work out the complex ordering system! Before we knew it we were sat outside the bar, feeling a little worse for wear! … told me to have a rest and not to worry as he would look out for me! The next thing I knew I was being woken up by some unknown holiday maker pouring beer on my head, up I got up looking for .., who was now resting head first on the road. I woke him up and as we walked home .. vomited pure vodka all the way back with pieces of tarmac stuck to his forehead, we were only a couple of nights in so you could image how the remaining ones went!

..can be quite a persistent person, as many in here will vouch! So when he came up with the idea of going to work in Benidorm it seemed like a good idea; to be honest I was only given one option. I know how excited .… is to hear about Spain again so don't worry I'll be brief! We were out there for two years on and off, the time today is too short to mention everything and I'm sure … wouldn't be too happy if I did! One of the most memorable occasions, and one of the few stories I can tell about Benidorm on a wedding day was when … had his 21st birthday party. A surprise party was arranged by his Mum & Dad, his sister and …, my Dad and numerous members of … family all came over. A fantastic night was had by all but I'm not so sure … could remember all the night, and judging by some of the photographs from later on in the evening I'm not so sure he would want to! … has always been lucky at having fantastic birthdays and another memorable occasion is when ..… and I went to Las Vegas on the night of … birthday we ended up having to walk home across a desert to get back to our hotel at 9 in the morning! Climbing over fences as we couldn't afford a taxi, we only had one dollar left between us even though we started the night the with quite a bit more, though how we got in that position is a story for a different occasion! Though I could be persuaded later!

I've been told by a number of solicitors that I can't say too much about the stag do so I'll keep it brief. As you would have expected there was the usual explanation to one of the lads; on this occasion … that when leaving the UK you do actually need a passport even when traveling on a boat! Luckily he has a very understanding wife who drove all the way back from Oldham to meet us outside his house. I thought that's it the second miss-hap; for those of you who don't know a couple of days before his stag do … damaged the ligaments in his right ankle and struggled to walk, I then began to think I hope the old adage of things coming in three's doesn't come true, trust me it does! For anyone who's ever seen the Only Fools and Horses episode – Jolly Boys Outing keep the images in your head! Driving down the M62 our mini-bus begins to fill with smoke obviously we had to pull over on to the hard shoulder, before we got off there was a slight bang from the engine and oil came flooding out, we questioned the competence of the driver when he got back in to a smoke filled bus and asked us all to get in, this wasn't going to happen. As luck would have it I managed to get another mini-bus to drive up from Bolton and pick us up, all stranded on the motorway with a ferry leaving quite soon, the wait seemed to be endless… as the lads said I'll be the only man to pace the M62!

Luckily we made the boat on time and the beer began to flow! There was a fine singer onboard a guy called Mario or so …named him, his repertoire of 5 songs was impeccable! He seemed to take everything in goods spirits, until the last night when we commandeered his equipment and .. got up on stage to play his guitar, the microphone got passed around the lads to sing to the stunned passengers, it wasn't until we got on the mini-bus home that some of the lads actually found out that his name wasn't Mario and was in fact Andrew Boyle, but Mario definitely sounded better, especially when we were singing it to him on stage, he never corrected any of us over three days! The same driver and his wife again; came to pick us up from the dock and his competence was questioned further. As most of you will know when going through a toll you throw your change into a bucket, our driver actually missed the bucket and had to get out of the mini-bus! .. asked the man in the booth if this had ever happened before, he said that in all the years he had been here this was the 1st time, we were all slightly nervous for the journey home and that's not even mentioning the incident with a boat and a rubber buoy on the way back down the motorway! Luckily we all managed to get home safe and pretty much in one piece if not a little bit hungover and swaying everywhere we went! Pretty much barring that the stag do was completely uneventful..… lads mine is a lager later! Seriously though I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the lads who are here and the ones who aren't for making the weekend one of the most enjoyable ever, thanks a lot, even the ones who got a bit sea sick and especially … who managed to carry on after sustaining a heavy fall early on!

I would like to give ..l some last pieces of advice;

1) Never go to bed angry…always stay up and argue.

2) The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it just once.

3) You must be prepared for the oldest trick in the book…"So do you notice anything different"?

And one last piece and probably the most important one; “Remember those three little words….”You're right dear” – [pass card] – You might want to keep hold of that one.

I would now like to take this opportunity to read out some of the many cards.

As a man who would like to drink to absolutely anything, I'd be grateful if you would all give me an excuse to raise my glass and yours by joining in toasting the happy couple… ………The Bride and Groom.

While you're all still standing, I'd like to say one last thing, I can see the relief on people's faces, but it really has been an honour and a pleasure being the best man, but today I am the best man in name only. It's … and … day and I'd like to wish them every happiness and long lasting joy in this new chapter in their lives.

Please join me in a final toast…To … and .… …The Bride and Groom.