Speech by Steven McCallum

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steven McCallum
Speech Date: 26/03/2013 13:46:12

Thanks …… and hello everyone!

Let me start by saying the bridesmaids Joanna and Lyndsey really do look stunning today …

… And have done a fantastic job looking after the blushing bride.

Now, it's my job to make sure that by the end of this speech the groom is also blushing (!) …

… So let's see what I can do.

Well, first of all let me by compliment Tommy on how nicely he's scrubbed up today …

… and I'm sure you'll all agree that all those hours at the gym since he's been engaged have absolutely paid off …

… And he really is looking quite buff!

And as Jenny's Uncle Jim mentioned, he does look great in the kilt …

… And I can just see him developing a taste for the feel of a breeze between his legs (!)

In fact, he's been so keen to look just perfect for his big day …

… The clothes, the hair, the shoes…

… That anyone would think he's the bride!

Luckily, he is of course totally outshone by Jenny herself!

What most of you probably don't know is that Tommy is not just lucky to have such a beautiful bride …

… He's lucky to be standing here at all.

You see, I think part of what makes the two of us such good friends is that fact that we shared a near-death experience at the age of 12 or 13.

As you do at that age, we got into a derelict cement mixing plant for a look around …

… And after pressing all sorts of buttons in the control room, we went outside and noticed a strange crackling noise …

… Coming from the end of a thick black cable that was sticking out of the ground and producing lovely blue sparks.

Being a typically inquisitive young boy, Tommy's perfectly natural instinct was of course to pee on it (!) …

… So we both unzipped and took aim.

Cue an almighty bang and a blue flash …

… And the next thing we knew, we were in a daze on the ground several feet from the cable.

Who could have guessed that peeing on a live wire could be so dangerous?!

Well, if curiosity nearly killed the cat on that occasion, at least there were no major casualties a few years later …

… When we treated Tommy's dog to a carry out.

In fact, the family retriever seemed to enjoy it …

… Though he did end up doing to the living room carpet what we'd done to the live wire!

Talk about steaming!

I'm not sure if Christine knew that story …

… Though she must have noticed the smell (!) …

… But don't worry, Tommy. I'm sure she'll forgive you!

After all, Tommy's standards of hygiene have vastly improved since then …

… And in many ways, he's now a completely different person.

And of course, the bride has to take a great deal of the credit for domesticating her groom.

As his Mum puts it, Jenny has Tommy “well tobered”!

He really enjoys putting on his pinny and doing the housework, even ironing …

… But his speciality is cleaning the bathroom!

When they go on holiday, he's got separate bags for everything …

… Clean underwear in one, dirty underwear in another …

… Shoes, more shoes, toiletries …

… All in their own wee bags!

But I think we need to ask ourselves, is this really all just Jenny's influence?

Or is Tommy simply discovering a hidden side to himself …

… One that's been there all along?

Was Tommy in fact “born this way”?

I mean, it wasn't Jenny who made him trail his Mum all the way up to the top of Debenhams for a sneak peek of their wedding gifts …

… So maybe he just has a natural enthusiasm for chopping boards and other fancy kitchenware?

Funnily enough, he'd told me he wasn't that interested in wedding gifts; as long as he got the fancy coffee machine he had his eye on …

… So on behalf of tommy a special thanks to whoever stumped up for that (!)

But it just goes to show, you think you know someone …

… And then you realise there's a whole other side to him …

… A domestic goddess (!)

In fact, the more I think about it, the more this puts Tommy's fondness for working out at the gym in a different light.

Was it really just about getting in shape for his wedding day?

Or is there something about the place that just makes him feel nice inside …

… Something about the smell of fresh man sweats …

… And being surrounded by other strapping young lads?

I have no idea …

… I'm just thinking out loud (!)

Anyway, I'm glad to say that, whatever inner confusion Tommy may have experienced since adolescence …

… He now has the love of a good woman…

… And one with professional experience of getting young men on the straight and narrow!

Though hopefully she won't have to resort to an electronic tag.

When Tommy first started seeing Jenny, he confessed to me that he reckoned she was out of his league …

… And looking at them both now, I'm sure you'll all agree that he had a point (!) …

… But since then, they've both found that they are in fact perfect for each other …

… So in all seriousness, I couldn't be happier that they have tied the knot today.

I'd like to end by wishing the happy couple a long and happy life, full of love, laughter …

… And immaculately organised underwear drawers!

So please raise your glasses and join me in a toast …

… To Tommy and Jenny!