Speech by Steven McCormack

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Steven McCormack
Speech Date: 04/12/2010 21:20:28

Hi, Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentleman.

For those of you who don't know me my name is Steven and I'm Graham's best man.  Well, I'm the best “he could get”…..

Or

“who would agree to do it.”

On behalf of Hilda the Bridesmaid and myself, I'd like to take the opportunity to thank Graham and Patsy for asking us to be involved in their unique and special day.  I know they've both put a tremendous amount of effort in to the planning of this wedding, especially Patsy, and I can only hope that, apart from this speech, everything else will have exceeded their expectations.

I'd also just like to take this opportunity to say how beautiful Hilda looks today and is congratulate her on such a fine job she has done getting Patsy ready for today – who herself looks fantastic.

I'd also like to say well done to Dermot and Tiffer for doing such a great job today…………… showing people where to sit???  Also today has made such a change from a couple of weeks ago when Tiffer was being ushered into a taxi at the end of the night.

I really thought that following a speech by Graham would be quite difficult, and I was right, I couldn't follow a bloody word of it.  So on behalf of the Hilda, Dermot, Tiffer and myself I'd just like to say thanks for whatever you just said.

When I agreed to be Graham's best man I thought I better find out exactly what was going to be required of me and after asking a few people found out the other than the speech the duties of the best man was:-

   1. To make sure Graham arrived on time………….tick!!!!

   2. To make sure Graham turned up sober……mmmmmm……….tick!!!!!

   3. (or God made a mess first time round so I did my best!!!)

I also had to take some advice as to how long the speech should be and general consensus was about the same amount of time it takes for the groom to make love – so on that note thanks very much you've been a great audience………

(Take a seat)

And so to the speech…….

When I sat down last night to write a few words, I thought I might start with outlining some of the things that I wasn't going to talk about….  So Graham you'll be pleased to know that I won't be speaking about any of the following:-

FIRSTLY – I won't be telling of any of the stories from the stag do and how you really got those bruises.

SECONDLY – I won't be speaking about any of our drunken nights out we used to have in the Garage; namely the night with Casey you and I when you managed to achieve all of the following:

–                     quite a bad cut to your head

–                     thrown out the club

–                     sick everywhere

–                     a smashed phone

–                     2 taxis home

–                     to be carried into your Mums house by me and placed on the sofa

Only for you Mum to question me in the morning asking if I had left the porch door open having found you sleeping in the downstairs toilet.

Coincidentally at 1 point during the 1st night in Newcastle I had visions of that night heading in the same direction – but to your credit you made a full recovery and the night then headed on to……………

Oh wait sorry I forgot the 1st rule there – no stag night stories!!!!!

And FINALLY – you'll be glad to know that I will be making no reference whatsoever to any of Batman's arch enemies – and I'm not talking about Catwoman eh My Jeffrey????

Before I continue I'd just like to say a few words about Patsy……

That said she soon ruined it when she agreed to marry Graham.

Last night I first met one of Patsy brothers Justin and was asking him what Patsy was like as a child and he told me that she was never happier as she was when she had her dummy – and just look at her today.

Now a few words about Graham or Shakey as we call him at the badminton – due to his inability to make decisions – probably just as well that he popped the question to Patsy and not the other way around.

Graham the youngest of 3 children to Betty and Chris was born on the 15th September 1979 – or as the nurses on duty that day call it – ‘Ugly Saturday’.

And in fact he was very nearly named ‘Saturday’ after the first time when Betty held him in her arms – she turned to Chris and said – “Lets just call it a day!?”

It's not unfair to be said of Shakey that he does like his food – hard to believe I know given his athletic physique.  And given that when it comes to making decisions between food and anything else – there is only one winner.  But not on the night when Graham met Patsy – somehow Patsy made such an impression on Graham that he chose to pursue her rather than make a visit to his normal weekend lover – Pizza Crolla.

And Graham just so you don't miss out later I've arranged for them to make a special delivery later on (hand him the Pizza Crolla menu) albeit I've already pre-ordered you a 24” spicy pepperoni pizza.

Graham it has to be said that you are one of the luckiest men I know (I'm sure everyone who has ever played golf with him would definitely agree) and Pasty you are a wonderful woman who deserves a great husband.  Graham – thank god you married her before she found one.

Well I think that's just about enough from me and I know Graham is dying to by everyone a round at the bar so just before I leave you all to get on with your night I've been asked to read out a few cards from some friends and family:

Read out some normal cards:-

“Dear Patsy – we have found Graham to be useless in every position.  We hope you have more luck.  From all the lads at the football.”

“Dear Graham – I'm going to miss all those special weekends by the pool. You'll be missed.  Love Michael Barrymore.”

Now if I can be serious for just a moment I'd just like to say to Graham and Patsy that I wish you every happiness now and for every year going forward and hope that you'll love each just as much today as you will the next.

Can everyone be upstanding and join me by raising their glasses to the new –

Mr & Mrs Trainor

Graham and Patsy